otherwise...: 2014

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Luis Suarez - A Carnivore on the Prowl

This is not the first time a sportsperson has bitten another. This is also not the first time that Luis Suarez (@luis16suarez) has done so. But this is the first time that Suarez dug his teeth into a rival footballer at the biggest stage - the FIFA World Cup.

Though the referee didn't take any action, this was definitely not a love bite.

Here's what they have been saying about it on Twitter, Facebook & Whatsapp:

Sahil Kothadia - Suarez could not resist the handsome Italian...
(Should the players take the field wearing a face mask to avoid Suarez's attention?)

Sidd Gandhi If you can't beat them, bite them
(but, didn't they beat Italy?)

Perseus Contractor - Mike Tyson sues Luis Suarez...... That act was under copyright....
(Suarez should be moving to China now!)

BP Singh - Good that incident didn't happen in India otherwise Suarez would have been arrested under Article 377 (homosexual misconduct)!

(Now, you know why I didn't mention India, along with China, above)

The food industry marketers, for obvious reasons, loved this moment & were instantly on the job!

‏@hamiltonboxing - If Snickers don't reach out & sign Luis Suarez up for one of those "you're not yourself when you're hungry" ads, they're failing
(Will Snickers rise to the challenge?)

‏@ProTechtEdLife - #Saurez was so hungry before the match but his coach didn't gave him food to eat so finally he did this.

‏@saurabhpai - When footballers retire they hang up their boots. When Suarez retires he will stop sharpening his teeth.

‏@ArifakaHarry - Liverpool Fans n Modi Bhakts r going through da same phase now. Both da Fan groups r hurt but still acting Normal.

(Now, this guy has a severe case of Modiphobia)

‏@nishantafc - Suarez has taken the concept of a "dangerous striker" to a new level,enough is enough vampire needs to ban before he strike again.

(Does he mean FIFA is a vampire?)

‏@buddhainabar - BREAKING: Mike Tyson accepts Suarez's friend request!

(But so natural!!)

‏@FreddieFaizan - #COLOMBIA players to wear garlic necklace in next match to ward off Suarez.

(This should be made the standard wear in EPL too!)

‏@LiarMPs - Liverpool Echo headline: 'Italian defender viciously shoulder butts King Suarez in the teeth'

‏@AliRazarizvi34 - I am convinced we need Brad Pitt to step up and save football from this zombie

(I am not, but our Rajinikanth would be a better bet)

‏@rustyrockets - Suarez! Your teeth are already prominent, stop biting people! It's like @GaryLineker attacking people with his ears.

@AlAgnostic - @FootballFunnys ironically, "Chiellini" in Arabic means "eat me". that means Chiellini was asking for it.

(Footballers should adopt a safe nickname to avoid such risks)

And a couple from @FootballFunnys :
Luis Suarez must like his Italian food.
Luis Suarez has done a Luis Suarez! Another bite!

‏@Squawka

Luis Suarez, with another bad case of toothache. #ITA #URU 

(Were the lady in the TV commercial to ask Suarez, "Kya aapke toothpaste mein namak hai?", the whole of Italy would respond "Noooo!!!")

@Almoj_alazra8 not only observed that this was a hat trick of bites, but also put it on record in a single frame.

(Luis Suarez is a bad boy. And a habitual offender.)

Crime & Punishment: The football fans (apart from those at Anfield) love Suarez for his skills & would like to restrain this trait of his. Some of these (not the ones at Anfield, obviously) fans, probably primary school teachers, came up with excellent ideas to punish (and restrain) Suarez.

‏@BlueCarp - Luis Suarez should have to box Mike Tyson as punishment.

(It may end up being a biting match, rather than a boxing match)

‏@ChotaSamosa - If Suarez was from Arab country, as a punishment they would have remove all his 32 teeth

(The Arab players, going by this, should be the best behaved players!)

There were others too who were looking at possible ways to curb this instinct of an otherwise wonderful player. @FootballFunnys came up with this solution (on the right).

And (‏@SiedVanRiel) knew just the perfect way to prevent a recurrence! (see the pic below)

And finally, an appeal for Suarez. Hope, at least this works...

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

A Rational Approach to Reorganisation of States

So the Parliament has passed the Telangana Bill. As so many people have been (& still are) saying so many things on the subject that I will not add to the din.

But this is also the right time to look into the issue of reorganisation of states. The last time it was done, language was the basis of the sculpting. However, it did not end the demand of many sections & we ended up creating a lot more states. Many of these demands (including mine, though not linguistic) are still not met.

Also, considering the no. of languages, including dialects, in India, language should not have been the defining criterion for creating a state in the first place. But the wise men of those times did not have any better option. For, how does one go about splitting & uniting a diverse country such as ours?

Worry not, for I have the answer. Yes, and it is not divisive but a uniting one, the only thing loved by each Indian - Cricket. Now, why should Cricket be the basis of national restructuring? Here are my reasons:

Unifying - Cricket is the only adhesive bond in the country. Bollywood may come close, but does not match cricket in uniting us Indians. (Just consider the no. of films that are protested (and banned) for hurting the sentiments of the people.)

Acceptance - Its only cricket that is accepted by all Indians. Other sports may have their pockets of influence, but are bested by Cricket in those regions too. Proof being the Kochi & Kolkata teams in IPL!

Inclusive - Cricket is the only activity in India that respects talent & performance, irrespective of religion, caste, ethnicity. This is where a boy from the backyards of Jharkhand can become the captain, while the son of a former world record holder does not find a place in the national team.

Professional - Unlike all other organisations, sporting or others, Cricket is run along professional lines. It is also an extremely profitable venture. This is the result of the way the organisational pyramid is structured & the fact that experts are involved wherever needed.

Representative - Cricket is the only sport where former cricketers (aam admis of the game) are actively involved. Even after their playing days are over, the high & mighty of the game (administrators, IPL franchisees) listen to them & seek their advice.

Global Influence - While we may have given the world Zero or invented the wheel, the automobiles were invented in the West. Its only cricket where India influences the world opinion & guides the future.

Nationalism - We are interested only in matches involving the national team, not the regional teams. I hope, if Cricket is the basis of recasting the states, we Indians would also stop bothering about individual states and focus only on the nation & its progress.

Successful - Is there any other field where India has been so successful? The reasons for this consistent success being all of the above.

For all these reasons, only Cricket qualifies as the model of how India should be run. Step-1 is reorganisation of states.

So how do we restructure the states? Simply create as many states as there are Ranji teams. Except for Services & Railways, the Ranji teams (or the Cricket Associations) are anchored geographically. We just need to demarcate the states on the basis of the catchment area of each Ranji team. While most states have their own associations, some have more than one. These would be carved out into separate states.

I do not foresee any opposition to this proposal because, the demand for new states is raised primarily by disgruntled local/regional politicians who have been denied their share of the cake. Most of our Cricket Associations are infested with politicians. So, if they are satisfied with the geographical spread of their cricket association how can they object to a state created on the same basis?

Thus, we would see the end of demand for a new state. For those who are worried about what would happen to the Parliament, don't worry. Our politicians are ingenious enough & shall find new excuses for using pepper sprays.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Salt & Pepper

Yesterday's incident in the Parliament when a member used pepper spray to effectively achieve his objective has shocked those outside the Parliament, as much as it did the ones inside. Of course, We the People (outside the parliament), do not deserve any soundbites. But why did media not report the reaction of our more prominent leaders? Possibly because the newspaper hacks had rushed out after the pepper attack. Not to worry, I have toiled and compiled what our eminent personalities said...

Arnab Goswami - India wants to know how such a shameful act took place in our most hallowed institution and tonight on Newshour, I want a commitment from our honourable parliamentarians that such an event will never ever ever ever never ever be repeated.

Digvijay Singh - Congress has a rich tradition of responsible parliamentary practices & is the only party that can provide a stable government. The pepper spray incident is a culmination of what has been happening in the current parliament. BJP has not allowed this parliament to function for the last 4 years. Only Rahulji can take this country forward as Indiraji & Rajivji did.

Rajnath Singh - This is what happens when the Parliament functions. Throughout the last 5 years, Congress has been blaming BJP for adjournments & not letting the Parliament function. Had we done so, this incident would have taken place 4 years back. This is evidence of the foresight displayed by BJP in continuously disturbing the Parliamentary proceedings & proves that only BJP is fit to rule India.

Narendra Modi - You need a 56-inch chest to withstand such attacks. Today Gujarat has 24-hours electricity and every village gets Narmada waters. You can see the waters of Narmada even in the Sabarmati river, which has started flowing again. Congress ruled this country for 60 years & Sabarmati had gone dry. People want change and a Congress-mukt Bharat.

Kapil Sibal - Narendra Modi is running away from real issues. His statement is tacit admission of his involvement in the 2002 riots. Congress is the only secular party in the country & the people are going to vote Congress in overwhelming numbers in the next general elections.

Arvind Kejriwal - I am going on a Dharna to protest against such violent & shameful behavior inside the Parliament. I have also ordered an FIR to be filed against the pepper wholesalers & Vijay Mallya. The central government should hand over the control of Delhi Police to the state government so that action can be taken against these capitalist forces.

Kiran Bedi - AAP should focus on governing Delhi. Even Anna doesn't support Kejriwal. Look, he will campaign for Mamata in the Lok Sabha elections. We need a strong PM like Modi to end corruption.

Mayawati - This is an upper caste conspiracy to oppress the Dalits. I demand elephant statues to be put up all over the Parliament to end the centuries-old exploitation of Dalits.

Rahul Gandhi - When this happened, the 1st question that I asked was what I am doing sitting here? We need empowerment of women. We need to change the way the system in this country works. I have initiated US Primaries-style selection of candidates for the Lok Sabha elections. We have brought the RTI Bill & also passed the Jan Lokpal Bill. Mummeee, mera bournvita kahan hai?

Ram Gopal Varma - This incident has really shocked me. I am now going to make a film based on this incident. Instead of black pepper, I will use red chilly powder. It will be the comeback film of Urmila Matondkar & you will see her in a new avatar. Even Brad Pitt is interested for a role in my film.