Some more gems by Biplab Kumar Deb

Biplab Kumar Deb (BKD) has been hogging the limelight ever since he settled down in office. Such that the media almost forgot we have a PM too. But the Karnataka elections entering the final stages, Mr. Modi has regained the spotlight. But, what afterwards? Will BKD jump the gun again? To help our PM stay in the headlines, I making some guesses what BKD will next say & steal his thunder. Because, there can be only one celebrity in India!!

India has a long history of social reform. Great men have worked hard to eradicate social practices that were a blot on our society. Right from the days of Dayanand Saraswati to Vinoba Bhave & later Baba Amte. But their efforts had only limited effect. Like Gandhiji, who spoke on & practiced personal hygiene but was unable to transform the society till Modiji took this up. However Akshay Kumar, inspired by Modiji,  made a movie (Toilet) on the subject & encouraged the entire country to support & practice Swachha Bharat. Earlier too, he has acted in films with social messages like Mohra & Sab Se Bada Khiladi. Akshay is a true social reformer. I am sure his next film will be on the ill effects of mobiles & social media on the young generation. 

(Modi: Abbe, aisa karega to Twitter pe mere following ka kya hoga?)

MS Dhoni is a true practitioner of science. Just consider the helicopter shot. Before the bowler lands up on his crease, MSD has delved into his mind & is aware what will be bowled. Something AI is still incapable of. Next, as the bowl is released MSD calculates its speed & trajectory to know where exactly it will land. Can the fastest supercomputer supported by an array of cameras do this as quickly? Then MSD applies the laws of physics to hit the ball over the boundary. His brain works faster than even Chacha Chaudhary’s. MSD should be nominated for the Physics Nobel Prize. 

(Modi: Chup kar yaar, mai China ko request kar ke aa raha hu ki mujhe Nobel Peace prize dilwao)

First, Adaniji built all those power plants. Then, Ambaniji reduced 4G data charges. Next, Modiji has delivered electricity to all villages. Do you realise what these great men have together achieved? This will bring about transformational changes in the society. My government will now distribute Jio sim cards through PDS outlets. The young people should now stop running after government jobs because this will solve the problem of unemployment in Tripura. They should now start selling mobile phones & set up mobile service centres in each town & each village. I hope other states also follow the example of Tripura so that our youth is gainfully employed. 

(Modi: O teri… agar sab bachche mobile bechenge to chai/pakode kaun banayega?)

While the western societies have degenerated under the influence of materialism, this has not happened to India. Because people like Asaram Bapu have shown the path of spiritualism to the masses. Spiritualism enables people to not only resist materialistic pressures but also become fearless. Consider rape, for example. Asaramji willingly raped a girl so that people could openly oppose such acts without any fear. Compare the no of rapes being reported by the media or candle light marches before Bapu was caught. While people always considered rape wrong, it is only now that people have started reporting it to the police & media has also started highlighting incidents of rape. Bapu is a saint & a social reformer who has been wrongly judged by the judiciary. 

(Modi: Oye, thoda politics bhi seekh. Asaram jail mein hi achha hai.)

After retirement, our soldiers sit on dharna at Jantar Mantar demanding higher pension. Do we netas ever do so even though many of us lose position after just 5 years? The soldiers should learn from Salman Khan. As Chulbul Pandey, he finished the mafia raj in UP. This was one of the reasons Yogiji could end SP’s goondaraj & establish Ramraj in UP. Then, as Tiger, he helped Indian intelligence services abroad. Without Tiger’s help, RAW would have been a toothless tiger. People criticize Salman for killing a blackbuck. So what, is what I ask of them. He only killed one. And the blackbuck was not immortal, it would have died sooner or later for some reason or the other. But have you considered the increase in environmental awareness created after the incident? Salmanbhai even sacrificed his Bollywood career for the sake of wildlife protection. He is a true Bharat Ratna. 

(Modi: Ye kyon nahi bataya ki Bhai ne mere sath Amdavad mein patang bhi udayi thi.)

I have said this earlier & I will say this again. Modiji is doing what no leader has ever dared to even attempt. Modiji destroyed the entire black money in the country by a simple trick of withdrawing Rs. 1000 notes. Modiji’s opposition to corruption has scared the corrupt & criminals like Vijay Mallya, Neeraj Chokshi & Dawood Ibrahim to flee India. Modiji has delivered justice to innocent people like Maya Kodnani who were victimized by Congress. Modiji has electrified all villages so that the poor can recharge their mobiles whenever they want. Looking beyond India, leaders all over the world are dying to be hugged by Modiji. Under Modiji, India will again be Sone ki Chidiya by 2024. Modiji is the Father of Modern India. 

(Modi: Tu to ek bete se bhi badh kar hai! #LoveUBips)

Pics courtesy:

MS Dhoni (https://www.firstpost.com/sports/ms-dhoni-remnant-of-golden-era-in-indian-cricket-leaves-behind-unparalleled-legacy-3188880.html)

Mohra (http://www.rediff.com/movies/report/quiz-who-was-the-original-choice-for-raveenas-role-in-mohra/20170621.htm)

Jio (https://www.jio4gplan.com/how-to-activate-reliance-jio-sim-card/)

Asaram (https://www.thehindubusinessline.com/news/asaram-bapu-2-others-convicted-in-rape-case/article23667146.ece)

Salman (https://www.ndtv.com/entertainment/salman-khans-tiger-zinda-hai-trailer-is-viral-celebs-say-film-will-be-blockbuster-1772321)

Biplab Deb (https://www.outlookindia.com/website/story/tripura-cm-biplab-deb-summoned-by-pm-modi-over-controversial-statements/311502)

What's cooking? Khichdi, of course!!

Perhaps, we didn’t read the signs. It has always been a simple & easy-to-cook complete meal, disliked by kids because it was usually fed when ill. Other special occasion being when the lady of the house was too tired (or in no mood) to cook. Then, first an acclaimed movie used it at its title. Next, Ashish Nehra blamed former coach Chappel for converting the Biryani of a cricket team into Khichdi (http://www.ibtimes.co.in/ashish-nehra-blasts-this-former-india-coach-quirky-biryani-analogy-747589). And now, Khichdi has been christened a Super Food by none other than Ms. Harsimrat Kaur, the minister for food processing. A person who should have logically preferred Chicken Tikka or Tandoori Chicken is agreeable to the humble Khichdi being recognized as our National Food.

Which proves that not all politicians look at things from a regional/ethnic/linguistic/religious perspective. Convinced of her non-partisan approach in these matters, I beg her to consider similarly honouring these dishes too:

National Breakfast – It can only be Idli-Dosa & nothing else. These are no longer the monopoly of udipi outlets spread across the country. When one travels along the national highways, this is the only item available in the dhabas for breakfast. Apart from Parle G biscuit packs, of course. Even in Gujarat, a state whose denizens carry their own stock of Thepla’s when they travel outside. This will also help assuage the sentiments of South Indians who have always been distrustful of actions of the central governments. Maybe, we will then also be able to declare Hindi as the national language. Without having Lungi, in return, as the national garment.

National Beverage – As Salman Khan crooned, “Ek garam chai ki pyali ho…” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw77XbeDZD8). Cutting Tea is my nomination too. Not those dished out by these 21^st century Café Coffee Day’s & Barista’s. I mean the cutting chai at those road side tea stalls. I don’t think there is anything better than the over-boiled tea made of recycled tea leaves & served in those small cups. And the pearls of wisdom that one picks up while one is at it, is the free add-on. Right from India’s response to China to the strategy on the cricket field, the fonts of knowledge spring forth from here. So much so that, the earliest memories of our pioneering, path-breaking, record making PM are of selling tea at one of these outlets.

National Snack – What else but the iconic Samosa. It may have been an import, but we have made it our very own. Like Cricket & Hockey. Immortalised in Bollywood songs & Election speeches, it has outlasted all icons. Yes, Akshay Kumar no longer plays the lover boy & Laloo Yadav is back on the fringes in his home state. But the Samosa with Aloo (and other fillings too) still remains a staple at Railway stations, college canteens & street corners.

National Vegetable – It brings tears to the eyes but also the taste buds to life. It is an accompaniment to the main dishes, but the main dish too. You can sprinkle it with salt, with pepper too, or lemon as well, or even dipped whole in vinegar, or as the main dish if the hunger pangs are too severe (or one is too poor). Veg or non-veg, the Onion gels with every dish, every cuisine. Never talked about, it has led to governments tumbling down. Just like us Indians. Even SRK will agree that one should never underestimate the power of a common onion.

National Dessert – Rosogolla for no particular reason but simply to make Didi happy. In the hope that if Didi is happy, she will not be cross with rest of the world. And that she will not send harmless professors to jail. And that she will not behave as an opposition leader despite being the CM. And that she will finally manage to find some time to have her sarees ironed.

P.S.: In the next few days, I am sure the congress will claim they were first to honour this Super Food simply because the UPA behaved as if it was cooking Birbal's Khichdi (https://www.moralstories.org/birbals-khichririce/). If the hon. minister takes action on my suggestions, she can prove that this government can deliver more than Jumlas.

Pics credit:

Khichdi: https://scroll.in/article/856392/why-india-needs-a-khichdi-fix-urgently

Idli-Dosa: http://www.chitrasfoodbook.com/2009/01/idly-with-tomato-sambhar.html

Tea: http://www.alamy.com/stock-photo-roadside-tea-stall-in-kerala-south-india-11246054.html

Samosa: http://food.ndtv.com/recipe-samosas-492604

Onion: http://www.healthfitnessrevolution.com/top-10-health-benefits-of-onions/

Rosogolla: http://www.freepressjournal.in/india/bengal-odisha-caught-in-a-mishti-fight-over-rosogolla/654495 

The (Modi) Surgical Strikes are here to stay!

I was chatting with this “Contact” of mine who is usually in the midst of happenings in the capital. This way, I avoid not only the polluted Delhi air but also the channels that air everything but the news. He was so elated today by what is being labelled on SM as “Modi Surgical Strike” or MSS (you know what the news channels are calling demonetisation), that he let me on the next few ones in the offing. I decided to immediately put these on this blog so that you are not caught unawares next time round.

Sooryavansham: In the next surgical strike, Sooryavansham will be banned permanently from Sony Max (or any other channel). The idiot box will never appear the same without this marquee film not being on air, but the good times haven’t ended for Bollywood junkies. Max (and every other channel) still has the freedom to air other Big-B hits such as Ajooba & Jadugar. And they had the temerity to call us intolerant?

Karan Johar movies: If the economy doesn’t show any signs of turning around, movies shot overseas despite the “Make in India” push (read KJo films) will be next in line. Sanskaari Alok Nath has already started directing the talented Gajendra Chauhan in what is expected to be the next Diwali blockbuster.  

Footpaths: The government has practically decided to remove that urban inconvenience called footpath, the drive to begin with Mumbai soon. The Mumbai roads will now be broader & the potholes deeper. Considering that Salman Khan loves driving in the night, the ever-considerate government has also decided to widen the road medians (dividers) so that the pavement dwellers can sleep there peacefully.

Valentine’s Day: This one gets the boot for not being in sync with our ancient culture. However, to protect the livelihoods of those selling balloons, flowers, chocolates & selfie sticks, the 1^st Sunday of February will be celebrated as Patanjali Day of Young at Heart. On the 2^nd & 3^rd Sundays of February, Shiv Sena & MNS respectively will be allowed to impose a bandh, take out rallies & indulge in minor arson.

TV Panel Discussions: These are innocent victims of India’s commitment to curb global warming. As the nation never really gets to know what it wants to know, these discussions will be replaced with a briefing by the government spokespersons. Followed by two minutes response each by major political parties in the spirit of a healthy democracy.

I will update you when I next meet my “Contact”.

Pics courtesy:

Sooryavansham: http://forums.itsboxoffice.com/510315/realize-premiere-tonight-interested-trending-sooryavansham

News Hour: http://www.financialexpress.com/india-news/when-humble-arnab-goswami-refused-to-take-credit-for-newshour-success-at-times-now/435934/

Why stop at Salman, when Bollywood has so much to offer?

Appointment of Salman Khan as the goodwill ambassador of our Olympic squad has created fissures within the sporting community. I have already talked about that in my previous post (Where the Ambassador needs some Goodwill himself). But in the current times when even politicians limit themselves to 140 characters, it’s a good idea to have ambassadors for other areas too. And who better than Bollywood to provide us with these knights? Here’s my choice of Bollywood worthies to promote India & Indianness.

Amitabh Bachchan: How can a Bollywood list begin without the Big B? He may have been made the brand ambassador for Incredible India campaign, but I feel he can be an equally good ambassador for the banking industry. Remember Bofors case, where the Big B’s name cropped up along with brother Ajitabh? That proved that Big B wasn’t just loitering around after his shoots for Yashraj films in Switzerland. But Swiss banks becoming home to all & sundry was not to his comfort & he moved to upcoming destinations like Panama & British Virgin Islands, this time along with daughter-in-law. And it was not just “me & my family” for Amitabh. He also made ordinary Indians into millionaires through his TV show (KBC). Who knows he could be the messiah that Indian banks need after being kingfishered.

Sunny Deol: If love for his wife made him go all the way to Pakistan, imagine what would 125 crore Indians inspire him to achieve. I would like Sunny to be made the goodwill ambassador for the agriculture sector. He will then pull out all the hand pumps in Pakistan, Bangladesh & China which would give some respite to our suffering farmers. I am also sure that BCCI would be willing to shell out the expenses for a smooth conduct of IPL-10. And yes, people staying in Arnab Goswamy’s housing complex would be able to celebrate a wet dhuleti next year!!

Sanjay Dutt: There can be no better person than Sanjay Dutt as the ambassador for our Police force. He not only glamourized the gangster in his movies, but has also played many a memorable role as a cop. In real life too, he made a guarded police premises his second home and the policemen his extended family. Sanju baba is the one to champion the lives of policemen. Of course, I am also hoping that this will also keep him away from real life gangsters & real life guns. And that he will also not play Chatur Singh again!

Alok Nath: If the efforts of people such as Smriti Irani & Yogi Adityanath are successful, we are in for a socio-cultural revolution. But the left/commie/fiberal/sickular brigade is not playing ball. More damaging is the fact that the image of India & Indians is getting sullied abroad. So, who better than Alok Nath to showcase the values of Indian diaspora in the global arena. With the social media frenzy that our Sanskari Babuji generates, the decadent west may finally accept the traditional Indian way of life. But there is a downside to this… Next time our popstar PM performs at Madison Square, it would turn out to be bhajan sandhya. I am not sure whether Modi will like it.

Sunny Leone: It is not just our traditions & values, but also our culture & heritage that need a goodwill ambassador. Today, the world knows us mainly for Yoga & Taj Mahal. What about the other accomplishments of our ancestors in the field of arts, literature, architecture? To promote & popularize past glory, we need a globally known face & Sunny Leone has much more than that!! I don’t expect hordes of tourists waiting for a glimpse of the treasure inside Khajuraho caves just because Sunny is put on the job. But the world will definitely have more interest & better awareness of what our forefathers talked, wrote & created. Maybe, even the IIM’s would start a course in Sanskrit.

Do you have someone in mind who can be added to this list? If so, pls let us all know about him/her.

Picture credits:

Alok Nath (http://www.rediff.com/movies/report/alok-nath-reveals-his-favourite-sanskar-joke/20140103.htm)

Amitabh Bachchan (http://indianexpress.com/article/entertainment/screen/amitabh-bachchans-character-in-aankhen-2-will-be-neither-negative-or-positive/)

Sanjay Dutt (http://www.bollywoodlife.com/news-gossip/is-sanjay-dutt-getting-better-with-age/#!1/sanjay-dutt-policeuniform-220113/)

Sunny Deol (http://www.in.com/sholay/gallery-100-years-of-cinema-unforgettable-cinematic-moments-303498-50004622.html#21)

Sunny Leone (http://www.financialexpress.com/photos/business-gallery/183217/google-trends-india-2015-cricket-wc-beats-bahubali-to-top-sunny-leone-salman-khan-in-top-searches-too/5/)

Where the Ambassador needs some Goodwill himself

The Indian Olympic Association makes Salman Khan the goodwill ambassador of Indian contingent to Rio & its raining reactions. I love sports & adore all Indian sports persons. Not the administrators, though. I would have simply passed over this new IOA action as another of its pointless acts had it not been for Yogeshwar Dutt tweeting his disagreement, followed by Gautam Gambhir speaking against it. And I found my views mirroring those of the sports administrators this time! Here's why:

We have known Salman as an avid cyclist & his dad has also enlightened us of his swimming skills. But we seem to have forgotten his exploits in one of the oldest sports. I allude to the case where a black buck with suicidal tendencies came up against Salman & his bollywood colleagues. While animal lovers & judiciary may not have looked at it kindly, the incident showed Salman's love of sport. And his modesty too, for he did not leave behind any photos like those Maharajas & our Brit rulers in the good old days. 

Next, we come to the most famous (or infamous, if you prefer that) story about Salman - the hit and run case, as the media calls it. Here we have Salman (or his driver, but this is immaterial) driving his car (or SUV, but this is just a technicality) & he finds a person lying (or sleeping, but we are discussing Salman) on his path. Now, this guy could very well have slept in a park or a railway platform but what does he do? He is lying on a footpath, which is meant for pedestrians (the dalits of indian roads) to walk on. We often come upon such people who are sleeping, sitting or simply selling their wares on the footpath & we take the road on those occasions. But Salman doesn't play hockey for India, like those nice guys who mesmerise us with their skills all over the field but freeze in front of the goal. You may call Salman murderous, but I look at it as killer instinct.

And Salman is a proven winner, a champion in his trade. All his movies are super duper hits. And he does it without resorting to making irresponsible statements on politics or social issues. Which was the last Salman flop that you can recall (well, Prem Ratan Dhan Payo was an obligation)? Yes, Salman spells success.

So, here we have a sportsman with a killer instinct & a champion. Attributes you would use for someone like Virat Kohli. But Kohli's are a rarity in Indian sport. I am convinced that Salman matches the specs required for an ambassador of sports. While I respect Yogeshwar, Gauti & the venerable Milkha Singh, I don't agree with the charge that Salman is doing this to promote his film. Had he been commercial minded, he would have bought a team in a sporting league for himself (like Shahrukh, Abhishek or John Abraham). I feel we should not look for hidden agenda in Salman's actions. Remember, he is the guy who bares it all out in his movies. So let us put our differences aside & support Salman in his efforts to promote our Rio-bound athletes.

Bhai tum aage badho, hum tumhare sath hain!!