Avenging Pulwama

So BCCI is still not sure whether it wants to play Pakistan in the world cup. Whatever, at least they have started thinking on the right track. 

I believe it does not behove a country of India's stature to get into a skirmish with a country like Pakistan. But it is #TerrorStatePak that we are dealing with & we shouldn't endure the bleeding through a thousand cuts. And #Pulwama has to be avenged. However, I advocate going about it in a manner that they don't even realise what hit them.

This is why we should call for expulsion of Pakistan from ICC. That will really hurt them, and their new PM too, he himself being a cricketer of repute once. We all know how Pakistan has been pleading for Paki players be allowed to play in IPL. When they are not able to play any international game whatsoever, they will come to their senses. Today, the Pak army has crippled democracy. But seeing the state of affairs of cricket, I am sure retired cricketers like Miyadad & Waqar, with many an old axe to grind against Imran, would float their own political fronts. The Pak army top brass will the be too busy with this new internal politics to even glance across the border. And let us live in peace.

But till this happens, TV channels in India & the Indian websites should stop covering any match involving Pakistan. Cricbuzz is already on the job on this & the Pakistani fans have started clamouring for the good old days. And not just Cricket, the same should be done for Hockey too. These are the only two sports Pakistan is good at, and India provides the maximum eyeballs to both. The international federations of both the sports are too accommodating of Indian interests. I am sure if our federations apply enough pressure, the Pakis would be left with playing only Gulli-Danda in the streets.

The Bollywood has also jumped into the ban Pak artist bandwagon. But they should draw a line - artists of Pak origin but brought up elsewhere (UK, Canada, etc.) should be welcome to make India their home. The Indian film buffs can always do with another overseas actress like Katrina Kaif or Sunny Leone & should not be denied the simple pleasures. In fact, we should make Sunny Leone the beacon of Bollywood. Her films should be bombarded on the satellite networks & her videos on the mobile networks. Her films would lure the Pak actresses to ditch their homeland & cross the border. Her videos would ensure that the idle men who now carry guns would be too busy with their phones. 

And all those young men who take up the gun will realise that there are more "hoors" on earth than "jannat". And that these hoors are migrating from their country to the neighbouring one. They will drop the guns & get busy protecting their riches. And you know what, Sunny Leone also promotes Mankind Pharma products. It will get a new market on the platter. And this is one product where a customer will never trust one made in China. Even if sold at Chinese costs!!

The Indian government should also pardon Vijay Mallya on the condition that he settles down in Dubai & starts new businesses in Pakistan. I am sure he will be too eager to push his two most successful products into a new market - Kingfisher beer & Kingfisher calendar. If this happens, it will be the knockout punch. Both of these are haraam in Islam & the mulla brigade out there will not take kindly to this. But will the illeterate, unemployed, idle Pak youth shun what the King of Good Times offers simply becuase a priest sitting inside a mosque says so? I very much doubt this. In fact, with a bottle or two of the Kingfisher beer down their throats & emboldened by the Kingfisher calendar in their possession, these youth could revolt against the clergy. Forget Kashmir, they won't even be able to defend their own mosques.

But these are all short term measures & we need a permanent solution. With Pakistan, one never knows when they get bored with killing each other or the afghans & get back to meddling in India. We should resort to cultural warfare to show these people their proper position. Starting with Biryani... We should claim GI tag for Biryani. Pakistan is sure to counter this. But the kinds & varieties of Biryani's available in India, and that Biryani's popularity began when the subcontinent was a single nation, should suffice. Why this is important? Once GI tag is received, every time a Pakistani eats Biryani he will be reminded of the big brother India & be thankful that we gave this wonderful dish to the world. Or, shun this pleasure altogether. Let the Pakis enjoy their Biryani-less feasts, if they can! And what will they offer to the Saudi prince when he comes calling? Hakka Noodles & Chicken Fried Rice? They will not get even $ 20 million then.

At the same time, the government should declare Urdu as our second national language. Which is legitimate as Urdu was developed in India & is our native language. And we should go around the world promoting Urdu as our language. For, our cultural & literary heritage in Urdu (and otherwise too) is much richer than Pakistan's. You want a separate country? Get a separate language too. With Arabic & Persian also having their own homelands, the paki boys will have to develop their own language from scratch. Once they get free from scratching their butts. It will be fun watching them do so (developing the language, stupid), for its no nuclear secret that can be stolen.

India & Pakistan have a lot of shared cultural heritage. We should start appropriating it. Now, the Punjabis are still an influential community despite the Sharif family falling foul of the defence establishment. But with Bhuttos practically exterminated politically, it opens space for us. We should declare Cheti Chand a National Holiday, at par with Diwali, Holi & the Eid's. And also start celebrating other Sindhi festivals publicly. Let the Sindhis in Pakistan know that across the border too their customs are respected. Also, we should award LK Advani with the Bharat Ratna (hope the PM agrees for the sake of the nation). This would show them that while the Pak establishment kills the Sindhi leaders, we respect the ones we have. Hopefully, this would give rise to a segment within Pakistan that is friendly with us & works for a closer integration of the hearts. And maybe, well... let's not speak on this that openly & publicly.

This is all I can think of at this time. Maybe, some other ideas would crop up the next time. 

Hopefully, the government would have implemented some of the above by then & there will be no next time. 

Jai Hind!

Thank You, ABD

AB De Villiers, the Mr. 360 of cricket, announced his retirement from international cricket yesterday. This had to happen & would have been equally sad whenever it would have, for even legends have to call it a day sometime. ABD says he is retiring because he is “tired”. Now this is something not easily digested. Not only the most entertaining & awe-inspiring, he was also an extremely fit & athletic cricketer. I think the reasons go beyond cricket & I am hazarding a few guesses what those could be…

Is he looking at a post-cricket sports career in another sport. We already have Usain Bolt who is evaluating a stint in pro soccer in Bundesliga. And ABD has been proficient in other sports too. In fact, he played hockey, football, rugby, tennis & badminton for South Africa as a junior. Maybe, he is considering a return to one of these or some other sport where he could utilise the skills he so splendidly displayed while playing cricket. But I think, it will be definitely a contact sport. Playing cricket at the top level for such a long time makes players such as ABD experts in avoiding unwanted contact, with not just other players but also other elements of the game like bookies, journalists, etc. When avoiding a sliding tackle by a defender, ABD will thank his clean record while in international cricket.

We also need to acknowledge that cricketers of today play a lot more cricket all year round than their predecessors. This takes a heavy toll on their body. We have already seen MS Dhoni, another very fit cricketer, playing only the limited overs variety for this very reason. Players such as ABD & MSD give it their all when on the field. As the body ages, the physical capacity also reduces. Like MSD, ABD could also have opted to play the shorter versions of the game. But he didn’t. I think this is because he plays for RCB in the IPL, which necessitates staying in Bangalore. It is actually the Bangalore traffic that is tiring not a 40-over game of cricket. Imagine going to (and returning from) the nets or an IPL match on the Bangalore roads. And ABD had to hit all those amazing shots & take unbelievable catches. While ABD is only “tired”, ordinary mortals would be exhausted by the time they took the field. Maybe, he should have moved on to another franchise, say Kings XI. But that’s something ordinary people do.

Cricket is no longer a lazy gentleman’s game (the game being lazy, not the gentlemen). Especially the 20-20 version. It is adrenaline charged, high energy game from start to finish with packed stands cheering (or booing) every ball or shot. And with stakes so high, it is also a mental game. At the end of the day, a player is bound to be drained out physically, mentally & emotionally. It is for this reason, the promoters hold post-match parties for the teams & guests. This helps the players to totally forget the on-field action & wake up the next day mentally fresh & emotionally stronger. But with the King of Good Times, the singular Mr. Vijay Mallya, no longer around, I doubt the RCB’s post-match celebrations any longer help. Perhaps, this is why ABD said he has “run out of gas”.

Have you been also intrigued by the date of announcement? The day he tweeted his plans, a new CM was taking oath of office in Bangalore. After a week of political games that were as beguiling & had as much drama as an IPL match. But this was totally different than the way ABD played his cricket. In the way that a team won on the basis of how it played & consequently, result of the match. Or the manner a player’s performance was appreciated even if he happened to be in the other team. Or, walking off even before the umpire declared him out. But what happened in Bangalore on the days leading to ABD declaring his retirement from international cricket was just not cricket. An absence of honesty, integrity, ethics. How soon before cricket too embraced the ways of the outside world? ABD simply signed off before that happened. Leaving behind unforgettable memories for the fans to savour on a rained-out match day.

Pic source: https://www.foxsports.com.au/cricket/south-africa-destroy-bangladesh-ab-de-villiers-crushes-monster-century/news-story/d4dd9b74c2143774348d232714d387d9

How to Make Enemies & Annoy People

Modi spent the 1^st half of his tenure traveling all over the world & making friends with the global leaders. And he was quite successful too, except in the neighbourhood. But by withdrawing the Rs. 500 & Rs. 1000 currency notes, he has, in one stroke, frittered away the goodwill that he had earned within. Not that he cares, but here’s what the mighty & the influential are feeling today:

Bollywood: One would have thought the film industry would have been happy

to see these long queues. So what if these were at Banks & ATMs & not for some 1^st day 1^st show of a Bollywood blockbuster. But the Bollywood moguls are really worried & it is about the donation to Army Welfare Fund. Yes, the fund can be transferred electronically, but they are actually bothered with the processing fees (you know the type!) that needs to be paid for getting the film released. I think they will now move to the Sooraj Barjatiya formula – a song-studded, shot-in-studio, wedding video. Or maybe turn into theme wedding organisers for the likes of Reddy brothers of Bellary.

Rahul Gandhi: For the last many months he has been traversing the hinterland, on bikes, jeeps & choppers. He ate with the villagers & slept in their huts. This was one opportunity to mix with people he could not miss, without getting out in the heat & dust of the countryside. He stood in the queue with them, but they were busy enquiring about the open ATMs in their area. He addressed them, but the queue kept moving forward as the notes were exchanged. He was even willing to bring in cots for them, but they were in a hurry to move to the next Bank. All he got was Rs. 4000 worth of 100 rupee notes.

Mamata Bannerjee: Street battle by street battle, she fought & won against the red army till she conquered West Bengal. And having consolidated her position, she was looking at a larger role for herself at a national level. And then Modi comes up with this one. How is she going to pay her foot soldiers now? But you don’t mess with Didi without incurring her wrath. This royal Bengal tigress is now marching to Delhi. This will be more interesting than Delhi Safari!

Uddhav Thackeray: With Dawood holed up in Pakistan & friendly governments in Delhi & Maharashtra, he was now the undisputed king of Mumbai. But things are getting from bad to worse. First, the Supreme Court started meddling in the heights of human pyramids during janmashtami. Next, the state government handed over Bollywood to kid brother Raj. And now, Modi has hit where it hurts most. All that a law abiding politician can do now is smuggling & drug peddling. Well, he has now decided to join Mamata’s march to Delhi; Durga Pooja pandals can be big business too.

Raj Thackeray: Good friend Fadnavis had brokered a deal & opened up another foolproof revenue stream. Considering the size of Bollywood & the common man’s appetite for the masala it churns out, Raj Thackeray was just beginning to build up a war chest for the next BMC elections. It is now back to extorting toll booths, but even these are closed for the time being. But it’s not so bad as Uddhav is in the same mess too. Or may be a bigger one; isn’t he marching along with Mamata?

Shivraj Singh Chouhan: First he was upstaged as a high performing CM. Next, his squeaky clean image was tarnished with Vyapam. And now this demonetization. He is annoyed with this step motherly treatment to Madhya Pradesh when even those no hopers of West Bengal were allowed enough time to deposit their cash with the bank. Having already given up his aspirations to be the PM, he is now left hoping he stays along as the CM next time round too.

Mayawati: With the uncle squabbling with the nephew, daughters in law engaged in not letting the other get a foothold in state politics & Netaji content playing the Bhishma Pitamah of left-of-centre politics, she was again relishing the opportunity to be CM of the largest state again. She had geared up to complete the unfinished tasks from her previous tenure, what with all those towns still without any of her statues. But trust her to fight the upper caste as it tries to trample the Dalit’s rise in social hierarchy.

Vijay Mallaya: This one’s not annoyed. He got away in time. And with banks mopping away cash from the system, the Kingfisher Villa appears to be safe for now. And yes, he remains the King of good times & bad. Cheers!!

Pics courtesy:

Hum Aapke Hain Kaun: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/hindi/music/news/Salman-Khan-Madhuri-Dixit-starrer-Hum-Aapke-Hain-kaun/articleshow/30984692.cms

Khaat Sabha: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/As-Rahul-Gandhis-Khat-Yatra-ends-supporters-literally-take-their-seats-home/articleshow/54028666.cms

Mamata Bannerjee: http://www.topnews.in/people/mamata-banerjee?page=1

Human Pyramid: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/human-pyramid-makes-britains-talent-6395057

Mayawati ststue: http://www.tradeindia.com/fp2078353/Kumari-Mayawati-Statue.html

Vijay Mallaya: http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-scotland-business-35681740

On Appointments, Disappointments & Misappointments

It started with Mr. Gajendra Chauhan being made to head the FTII (appointment), then news leaked that Dr. Raghuram Rajan will not taking up a second term (disappointment), followed by Mr. Chetan Chauhan put at the helm of NIFT (misappointment). As happens these days, all hell broke loose. Things have turned out to be so grave that the opposition to another International Yoga (on the day of posting) is muted this time round.

This is not a very good situation to be in. To help our government smoothly push appointments to important positions, here is my list of candidates for its consideration:

President  of Sahitya Akademi

If Mr. Gajendra Chauhan can head FTII, Mr. Chetan Bhagat can brag of better credentials in the literary field. Of course, his rivals would not be wrong to claim that Mr. Bhagat's books are not as trashy as Mr. Chauhan's films, but merit has not been a consideration for a long time. And, like Mr. Pahlaj Nihalani, Mr. Bhagat doesn't back down when confronted by the high & mighty. This would be useful if (or when) the award wapasi gang returns. This would also keep him too busy to write another book for a long time.

Commissioner at Large for NRI Affairs

I know there is no such position, but one can always be created for Mr. Anupam Kher. Hasn't he been the most vocal supporter of rights of displaced Kashmiris? Though not NRI's in the strictest sense of the term, the KP's are Indians who are non residents in their own homeland - let's call them domestic NRI's. Mr. Kher can be expected to bring the same empathy, as in the case of domestic NRI's, to improve the plight of our expat NRI's too. This may become critical as Trump appears to be the next POTUS.

RBI Governor

He is a businessman/industrialist, an ex-member of Parliament, and has very good working relations with Banks. In other words, a business-friendly person on good terms with the politicians who also makes the banks do his bidding without holding any office. What more do you want in a Governor of RBI? If all this is not enough, Dr. Vijay Mallya, if given this responsibility, can also be expected to manage the unputdownable Dr. Subramanian Swamy!

Permanent Representative to UN

Any other organisation/position will be too low for a person of his mettle. A learned scholar (wasn't he the 1st Indian to teach at Harvard?), trust him to stand up to the world. The foreign service babus may not support this, but Dr. Subramanian Swamy should be privy to enough of their murky secrets for them to make any noise about this.  And the loose cannon that he is, he can scare the shit out of the seasoned diplomats at UN too. Who knows, just to placate Dr. Swamy, they would make India not only a member of NSG but also a permanent member of Security Council. Yes, we need a strong person like him at the apex body of international affairs. After all, akela Modi kya kya karega?

President of India

Times are bad & getting worse. Only Nirmal Baba, as head of the nation, can guide us to salvation in double quick time. I am amazed why the central government never aproached him when all its game changing legislations were stuck in the Rajya Sabha. Nirmal Baba would have told where exactly the "Kripa" was held up. But it's still not too late & making Nirmal Baba the next president can definitely ensure a second term for Mr. Modi by accelerating the arrival of Achhe Din. What's more, the simplistic, down to earth solutions that Nirmal Baba has for the common & not-so-common problems of the common man would definitely endear him to Mr. Arvind Kejriwal & we may finally see the two governments in Delhi seeing eye to eye on an issue.

Well, these are my choices & you may have your own preferences different than these above. Also, this is not the comprehensive list of offices that need to be replaced. So, why don't you add to this list to make our government's task easier?

Pix credit:

Mr. Chetan Bhagat (http://www.indiatimes.com/entertainment/more-bollywood/chetan-bhagat-on-salman-khan-kick-and-middleclass-heroes-163897.html)

Mr. Anupam Kher (http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/anupam-kher-collaborating-with-ashoke-pandit-for-a-film-on-the-plight-of-kashmiri-pandits/articleshow/51950308.cms)

Dr. Vijay Mallya (http://www.newsmobile.in/articles/2016/04/29/willing-to-reach-reasonable-debt-settlement-vijay-mallya/)

Dr. Subramanian Swamy (http://www.hindustantimes.com/india/tipu-sultan-had-no-qualities-worth-celebrating-subramanian-swamy/story-DpE7IberY2i9lzYiZ9PaCP.html)

Nirmal Baba (http://archive.indianexpress.com/news/court-reserves-on-anticipatory-bail-plea-of-nirmal-baba/966927/)

Why Boycott When We Can Fight Back?

“Please boycott Chinese goods permanently as China has voted against India in United Nations on the question of terrorism & has supported Pakistan openly. I am going to do it in national interest. You may also join in. Your small step will become movement.” 

This message has been doing the rounds of social media. But I am not in favour of such actions, as this will not be very effective (most of the people sent this message from their Chinese made smart phones!) & also alert the Chinese to our intentions. We should play it smart. I believe in a mix of soft & hard measures, some of which are outlined below:

Cultural Warfare

Earliest Chinese exports to the west were the martial arts movies. While they had Kung Fu & Karate, we have our own Yoga & Malkhamb. Yes, Yoga is popular globally, but we have not really promoted it by way of films nor do we have created icons like Bruce Lee. Imagine, yogis doing all sorts of tricks & acrobatics on screen. This would make the west go crazy & get India the respect it truly deserves. In a movie featuring Baba Ramdev v/s. Jackie Chan, who is your pick? Once this happens we should gradually let off other weapons from our arsenal, such as Ayurveda.

Cricket Diplomacy

During 70’s & 80’s, China had perfected the art of Ping Pong diplomacy; we should now get going with our own version Cricket Diplomacy. It helps that most of our neighbours, being wooed by China, play cricket. What do we do currently? Defeat Bangladesh & Sri Lanka, while losing to New Zealand. Can't we lose matches/series to Bangladesh & Sri Lanka too, and give them some feel good moments? They would then long to invite India for cricket matches & win in front of home crowds. This would also stump the bookies & help make cricket cleaner. Of course, we should continue thrashing Pakistan in world cups, no diplomacy here.

IPL

IPL has been the most successful Indian invention after Zero. We should get Chinese play in IPL teams. Recall what Afridi said about being loved more in India than Pakistan? It was his way of being allowed to play in IPL! Make the Chinese cricketers stars of IPL & when they go back, they will be our advocates. They will also promote cricket in China & the Chinese will then end up spending days playing this sport at the cost of other productive activities.

Export Religion

The communist guru said, Religion is the opium of the masses. And we have the largest variety of religions, semi-religions & non religions. We should encourage our gurus & babas to venture out to China. Once the Chinese fall into the trap of religion, there will be a disproportionate fall in their productivity. Not to speak of other ills that religion brings in (superstition, hatred, violence, etc.). This will also deal a deadly blow to communism & communism-induced discipline in China. I suggest releasing MSG (Messenger of God) in China to test the waters there! Asaram Bapu can be unleashed next.

Promote Made in USA products

Years ago before liberalisation came in, a small town outside Mumbai supplied our major demand of American goods. Ulhasnagar still has the skills to export “Made in USA” (Ulhasnagar Sindhi Association) products to China, and “Made in China” products to rest of the world. Only, we need to revive the industry back to shape (isn’t Make in India, the new mantra?). Because once they hit the global market, the world will stop using Chinese products, while the local Chinese imitators would run out of business. Hit where it hurts, is my preferred style.

Achhe Din

No, this does not refer to what our PM promised. This is about the original messiah of Achhe Din, or shall we call him King of Good Times? Yes, we should send Vijay Mallya to China. Let him produce & sell his alcohol there, so that the Chinese are too hungover in the mornings to produce anything of substance. (For the stronger ones, there is also the Kingfisher Calendar!) And make him set up businesses in China with loans from Chinese banks. He will then be able to pay off his debts to Indian banks, leaving the Chinese banks with all those NPA's! Now you know what “killing two birds with one stone” means.

Dump the BRICS Bank

Simply walk out of BRICS Bank. With Russia in a hole & China going nowhere, this Chinese initiative for dominance of global finance will turn out to be a dud. They will then be left selling weapons to Pakistan & Africa, in a head-to-head competition with Americans & Europeans. And lose whatever Western goodwill they have earned in the last few decades.

Expel Dalai Lama

Now, this is very drastic & goes against the Indian ethos of "Atithi Devo Bhava". Hosting Dalai Lama has been one of the irritants to our relations with China. With him gone, the peaceniks in China will get that sliver of a chance to promote healthier relations with India. Not that, this will help. But Dalai Lama, who will most probably be granted asylum by a western nation, will be able to take his peaceful fight to a truly global stage. Dharamshala is too secluded a place for freedom struggle. The Israeli vacationers there are too obsessed with the Arabs to be of any help to Tibetan cause.

While, these are what I could think of immediately, you would also have great ideas yourself. Why don't you share those here?

Pictures courtesy:

Baba Ramdev (http://pyptinternationalyogaday.com/home.php)

Messenger of God (http://www.newsnation.in/article/66452-sequel-msg-the-messenger-god-on-maker.html)

Vijay Mallya (http://daily.bhaskar.com/news/CEL-liquor-babes-moolah-how-the-king-of-good-times-lived-it-up-4976372-PHO.html)