My New Year Resolutions

When in school, our teachers made us write our new year resolutions. Once done, they forgot about it, and so did we. As a result, I never fell into the trap of making & abiding by new year resolutions. Now that I have realized old age creeping up, I want to make a fresh beginning. Beginning with new year resolutions & here are mine for 2017:

Wake up early: I have always taken great pride in being a slow runner. But when even the mornings run out faster than I do, this becomes a concern. So, this is my #1 goal for the new year. And I will see to it that I do so at least 7 times in 2017. Okay, I will not count the days when I go to sleep as the sun rises; is that fine now?

Visit the ATM regularly: Ready that as twice a week. Because I always end up rushing from one ATM to the other when I am out of cash. It has taken me days to finally get into one with enough cash to last my turn. But not from next year onwards. On the appointed days, at the earmarked hour, I will be at the nearest ATM with a queue in front. Irrespective of the outcome (this turned out a pun!) for, has it not been said, Karmanye vadhikaraste Ma phaleshu kadachana…

In praise of Modi: Okay, he is the PM, the authority, the establishment. And a neta too. And, netas can’t be painted black & black. There should surely be some shade of grey & next year, I will look for one in all the netas (Modi was mentioned simply to catch your attention) in the coming year. Wish me luck, guys, for I am no Bhakt (of whatever kind).

Read, Read, Read: That is, more of printed word & less of forwarded messages on WhatsApp. And this does not also include the nanoliterature, aka tweets, whatever be its literary merit. Nor the wisdom of Encyclopedia Philosophica, popular called Facebook (you all know what stuff facebook saints fwd on WhatsApp). But it can very well be comic strips or menu card, for I need to complete at least one task.

Pick up a hobby: All work & no play makes Jack a dully boy. So, my types, who do very little of work need to pick some activity as the excuse for whiling away our time. Something like exploring the retail environment, or sending online behavioral data to data miners, analysts & e-marketers, or even redistributing unauthenticated bits of spiced up news.

You may call the last one as loitering about in the malls, being wedded to the mobile or gossiping. But isn’t it a beginning? You can always suggest something better when the next year ends. You have the whole year to think about it. But this year, I am going to wake up feeling better & resolute. And not only because bootlegging has gone further underground in Baroda.

Wishing you a great year ahead! Have Fun!! Enjoy!!!

(Pic source: http://innovationexcellence.com/blog/2016/12/08/planning-your-changes-for-2017/) 

When Viru got Basanti

Corporate trainers & consultants are, without an exception, infatuated with the film Ek Ruka Hua Faisla (ERHF). Whether it is about Communication, Negotiation or even plain Managerial Skills, no training programme is ever complete without this film, or its clippings, being shown. While I have nothing against ERHF (in fact, I like it when they show the whole film as it means less of the lecture sessions), I believe they have missed out on an equally inspiring piece of film. I am alluding to the famous scene from Sholay, where Viru makes out a case against Mausi so forcefully that she is compelled to let him marry Basanti.

Here are the lessons that we can draw from this short movie sequence:

• Pick your spot/moment well: He climbed the water tank, where he was visible to everyone & no interruptions too. There was only one voice to be heard – Viru’s.
• Make a pressing case (an interesting one too): From top of the water tank, with a bottle of partly drunk country liquor & at a risk of falling down any time, he announces his intention at the beginning itself (and you found “soocide, soocide, soocide” hilarious?). He creates a tamasha that the village loves to watch.
• Give the whole picture: When he talks about calamities (drought, epidemics, etc.) befalling the village, he is informing about potential (frightening) consequences. He presents them with options so that they make an informed decision.
• Focus on the objective: He marks out his target & the fate that awaits her (you know, “chakki peesing & peesing & peesing”), so that the well-wishing villagers can ask her to fall in line.
• Go all out for the kill: The proposal already rejected once, this is his last & only chance for a reversal. It’s all or nothing & he stakes his life for the desirable response. 

But the beauty of this film scene is that it is not just about the communication/management lessons we can extract. It also has philosophical connotations. Life is full of highs & lows. As PG Wodehouse has often reminded us, “unto each life some rain must fall”. When one is down, one has to fight (or just stick it out) till the things turn around. If not, there will be no getting up. Take Devdas, as an example. He hit the bottle & then just could not get over it. He ended up a sad, dejected, frustrated lover. (If you have watched the 3^rd hindi version starring SRK, you would have found him a totally sad, over-dejected, over-frustrated drunkard.)

But Sholay is different. Yes, Viru too needs the support of the bottle. But he does not give up. In the face of adversity he rises to the occasion. In the literal sense too, as he goes atop the highest point in the village. And gets what he wants.

Likewise for us too. We can either get demoralised upon seeing this big hill of a problem in front of us or go ahead & climb that peak. As my brother, Vikas, is doing. He is attempting to reach the summit of Mount Everest, the highest one can go. Let’s all support him on this mission.

(For details of his expedition, or if you would like to go to Everest Base Camp with him, pls visit www.openskiez.com)

Picture courtesy: http://www.news18.com/newstopics/sholay.html

When words lose their meaning

In the world of social media, a Troll is someone who pursues persons (most often, celebrities) with a different opinion (on social media sites) & posts aggressive messages to provoke or harass that person. But it also meant at different times in different places:

• A supernatural creature who often has large ears, a foul smell, and is known to take up residency under municipal bridges in the seedier parts of town (https://www.americanexpress.com/us/small-business/openforum/)
• Antisocial, quarrelsome and slow-witted creatures which make life difficult for travelers (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet_troll)
• Beasts that thrived on the smell and taste of rotted flesh (http://csis.pace.edu/grendel/)
• And many more, if you go to https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/troll.

As you know, (spoken) language is ever evolving. So today if we think of a troll as an online person (often under a pseudonym or false identity), in future Narendra Modi going on about Maa-Bete ki Sarkar & Arvind Kejriwal jumping up every time Modi says/does something could also be considered as trolling. 

Now, all these definitions of troll made me think of words or names that acquire a totally different meaning or change the original meaning itself. There are many of these but I will touch upon only three.

  

Take for example, Colgate. Many years back when scooters had to be booked months in advance, you never asked for a toothpaste. Instead, it was always colgate. But over the years as other brands acquired shelf space & market share, the good old Toothpaste regained its space in the popular vocabulary. This helped Colgate to a great extent when another term with a slightly different pronunciation & a totally different meaning hit the headlines. Had it been a weaker brand, Colgate would have been forced to relaunch itself with a different name, when the previous UPA government gave us #CoalGate. The power of the brand has been proved by the fact that #CoalGate is dead & waiting to be buried, while Colgate thrives & rules the retail world.

Another example of such a power brand is Nirodh, the first widely publicized contraceptive in India. It literally means prevention or detention. Come on, you can admit you didn’t know this. I didn’t either and looked up on http://dict.hinkhoj.com/ & http://www.maxgyan.com/hindi/. One would think the meaning fits the brand to the T, but only if one has not witnessed its use as a balloon by the more mischievous ones at college/university auditoria. With increase in literacy rates, these qualified students soon made a mark in the field of politics. I think it was at behest of these bright ones that the government came out with adverts on TV to educate us of the actual name of the product & how to pronounce it correctly – Con-Dom.

While the above two were examples of brands unintentionally acquiring different meanings, there are some who acquire a name for the meaning of the word but become so powerful as to obliterate that meaning itself. Like Google, which is a play on Googol. Actually, googol means 1 followed by 100 zeroes, or what the mathematically inclined would call 10 raised to power of 100 (https://www.google.co.in/). But today, google has a totally different connotation in popular lexicon. Apart from being the brand name of a tech giant, it is also used to mean “to search”. e.g. It is ironical one has to google the real meaning of Google. During my younger days when I was into quizzing, if one was looking for an answer the easiest way out was approaching fellow quizzers. Someone was sure to know. When none did, we went to the library & searched it. But today we only need to go to google & even as one is typing it, google gets us the answers. Many fear that the likes of Google could soon make human intelligence redundant. Not really, for there are so many answers that are now ingrained in our memory. Like, ask anyone which is the highest peak in the world & the instant response would be Mount Everest.

Speaking of Mount Everest, my brother (Vikas Dimri) is attempting to climb the summit next year (April/May 2017). He has been working towards this for quite some time now. You can read about his passion, preparation & past achievements on the campaign support website (www.openskiez.com). While you are at it, pls loosen your purse strings & contribute towards the effort. 

Pics credit:

Troll (http://www.thewrap.com/study-finds-online-trolls-bad-people-offline/)

Vikas Dimri (http://www.openskiez.com/gallery.html) 

Why I do not feel there will be any riots following #Demonetization

All those predictions of riots taking place all over the country because of people standing in queues at ATMs & bank counters have still not come true. Yes, theoretically riots should have happened, for we riot for the stupidest of reasons like losing a cricket match. So, why has India been so peaceful till now? There are a few reasons for this:

The primary reason, I feel, is that we are so used to standing in queues. At most places, at all times, for all reasons. Like milk booths, railway ticket counters, cinema halls & temples/mosques/dargahs, to name a few. In fact, right from the day we join school we are taught to stand & move in queues. Which shapes us, as adults, into disciplined queueists.

There is also an economic rationale behind this. If the supply is abundant & the people are sure they will get their share, though delayed, they are willing to wait for it. As you know, we Indians never look upon this life in absolute terms. After all, this is just one of the various visits we make to earth in physical form. Thus, we find people standing in queues at temples from morning till evening as they know that god will never run out of his blessings. And this is also the reason behind the stampedes each time the kumbh mela is held. While blessing from god & water in the river are unlimited, the time to take a dip is finite. (But this has a positive spinoff too. had it not been for the chaos during the kumbh mela, so many of our bollywwod classics would never have been made.)

If you still doubt the above theory, you should go to the railway station & witness the passengers getting into reserved & unreserved compartments. If you yet remain a disbeliever, you should join the Aam Aadmi Party. You would then get to know a wild counter-theory. Hopefully (for you), that theory would also be able to explain the absence of queues while boarding the bus.

Lest you think I am not open to a different opinion & accuse me of intolerance, let me question myself. Why do all those who do not get to see a 1^st day 1^st show of a Rajinikanth release not get violent? The tickets to the show being limited & the aspirants unlimited, going by the above theory of economics, there should be bloodshed at the box office. But I can explain this too. Firstly, it is our spiritual outlook at play here. The lucky ones had better karma which rewarded them, the losers know they have no reason to crib. Secondly, this may be a case of delayed gratification but by the time they come out the 1^st show attendees are still to get over their hangover. Thus, the 2^nd show watchers feel the same high as their immediate predecessors & probably celebrate together too. No, I am not done yet. Lastly, immediately after the show, these people go to a Tasmac (if you are wondering what this is, you may visit https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TASMAC) outlet. So when they finally reach their neighbourhood, everyone knows about their achievement irrespective of the show they went to. They haven’t lost their bragging rights & that is what matters the most.

In this quest to understand our queueing behavour, I next move to psychology. What is the difference between those seeking to get inside a bus & the Rajini fans? It’s the length of the queue, stupid. In the case of a bus, only a few get left behind while most mange to squeeze in or hang on the bus. Thus, no one wants to be in the losing minority & they fight tooth & toenail to get in. (If you joined the AAP, does your counter-theory have a counter to this one?) Opposite is the case with  a film like Kabali. The stranded ones far outnumber the lucky few who manage to get in. So when people at ATM’s realize that they are not alone (or, part of a small group) when the machine runs out of cash, they just take it in their stride & move on to another ATM. A few days in succession & they no longer aim to avoid the disappointment of returning cashless, but achieve the elation of success. Moreover, they also get undisturbed time for Whatsapp & Facebook.

Now, if its India, there will always be a religious angle. Lakshmi is worshipped as the goddess of wealth. Thus, ATM’s are nothing but temples dedicated to her. I accept that religion is the cause of most, if not all, riots. There would definitely have been riots post demonetization, but the government played smartly here. I can imagine customers of one bank ransacking or destroying ATM’s of other banks if they didn’t get any cash. But the government waived off charges for using other banks’ ATM’s & all religious differences vanished. Irrespective of where you banked, each ATM was now a temple (or mosque) for you & you don’t set fire to your own place of worship. Thus, peace reigns at the temples of 21^st century India.

After economical, emotional, spiritual, psychological & religious studies, let us now make a short visit to history before I rest my case. Unlike  the rest of Asia/Africa, it was not a few good men who won the independence for us. Gandhi derived his strength from the whole lot of Indians, of every hue, from every corner. And non violence was his weapon in that war. So is the case today, we are still as peaceful. Yes, demonetization hurts. But we will get over it & life will be back to normal soon.

What next after Demonetization?

Let me first clarify that I am neither for nor against demonetization. Though I am not an economist, I still do not support demonetization as I believe it was not planned properly & also because a lot of common citizens have been put into needless trouble because of this. Also, while I agree that this step will address a miniscule proportion of black economy, I still feel whatever that no. is (2%, 5%, 10%), something is still better than nothing & we will end up in a better state. And for this reason, I think this should only be the 1^st battle in the war against corruption.

But now that the elections in critical states are round the corner the PM is already busy with his electoral duties. So what happens when the banks are tanked up with new currency & the queues at ATM’s & bank counters diminish? To help him hit the ground running when he returns to office, here are my suggestions to our PM for the next anti-corruption measures:

Ask anyone in an ATM queue & he will inform you that the largest hoarders of cash/black money are the builders. Usually, they take around 30% to 40% of payment in cash form which may or may not be reported. I suggest, you exempt 40% of income of builders from income tax. As it is, you are not collecting any tax on this income. Same for sale of house/property too. You would then eliminate black money from the real estate sector in one shot. Which will return to the legitimate monetary system as these guys would be able to spend their hard earned money any way they like. Or they would deposit this money in banks which have more funds to lend (as home loans too!), thus fuelling the economy.

On the same lines, I would like you to exempt government officials from paying income tax. And not just because they are public servants doing public service for public welfare. Because firstly, their salaries would increase proportionately & they would have a lesser need to make ends meet by accepting dole (or, what the common man calls Bribe) from the paying public. Also because what the citizen pays these gentlemen is already taxed & as these payments have no tax liability, it no longer will be considered “black money”. Not only does this measure ensure life goes on as before, it also makes the public servants a happier lot which may make improve the service they provide (would they worry about where to dispose the cash?). Thus, a win-win solution for all.

There is another sphere of economic activity which works under the radar, known to all though no one talks about it openly. Coming from Gujarat, I am sure you would already have guessed it. Yes, I am speaking about bootlegging. These are the good Samaritans who receive no appreciation but only harassment from the official machinery. Even they should be exempt from paying income tax, because their work is almost as important to the nation as those of the farmers. I know this appears to go against the Gandhian principles which are so dear to us, but this is not the case. When these spiritual service providers feel they have nothing to fear about their wealth, they would hit the markets in a very conspicuous manner. This would inspire the unemployed youth to take up this profession, which would make it very competitive & unprofitable. There could be more desertions than addition, probably leading the industry to look at other avenues for business. Which is what Gandhi wanted.

Organised religion dabbles mostly in cash, of all denominations. All temple trusts, waqf boards, churches & the like should be forbidden from holding any bank accounts or owning land. Because if they trust god why do they need banks for safe custody of their wealth? And because god is omnipresent & all-powerful, the land owners are just tenants of god (or his representatives) & the entire land ultimately belongs to him/them. But babas & godmen are not to be considered here, because they perform other important tasks too such as producing movies, meeting parents of slain terrorists & throwing MNC’s out of business.

I would love to add another measure to the list above – No cash donations to political parties. But I know this would not be acceptable to any political party or politician. Also, if this is implemented any ordinary person can aspire to be a politician, become MLA/MP & govern the states/country. This is a scary thought & you know what I mean. You have quite a few of these types in your vicinity who are also a pain in you know what. As individuals & as citizens we cannot even self-govern. Just look at the chaos on the road when there is no traffic police around (to give an example), and you will understand what I mean. We need the politicians to rule (pls read this as: formulate & administer laws) us, whether they mend their ways or not.

You have highly competent people in your team who will come up with even better suggestions. But whatever step you take next, pls see that it has a simple name. Terms such as “demonetization” are too difficult to pronounce to have any meaningful discussion at the tea stalls & we only end up saying “Bharat Mata ki Jai”!

How to Make Enemies & Annoy People

Modi spent the 1^st half of his tenure traveling all over the world & making friends with the global leaders. And he was quite successful too, except in the neighbourhood. But by withdrawing the Rs. 500 & Rs. 1000 currency notes, he has, in one stroke, frittered away the goodwill that he had earned within. Not that he cares, but here’s what the mighty & the influential are feeling today:

Bollywood: One would have thought the film industry would have been happy

to see these long queues. So what if these were at Banks & ATMs & not for some 1^st day 1^st show of a Bollywood blockbuster. But the Bollywood moguls are really worried & it is about the donation to Army Welfare Fund. Yes, the fund can be transferred electronically, but they are actually bothered with the processing fees (you know the type!) that needs to be paid for getting the film released. I think they will now move to the Sooraj Barjatiya formula – a song-studded, shot-in-studio, wedding video. Or maybe turn into theme wedding organisers for the likes of Reddy brothers of Bellary.

Rahul Gandhi: For the last many months he has been traversing the hinterland, on bikes, jeeps & choppers. He ate with the villagers & slept in their huts. This was one opportunity to mix with people he could not miss, without getting out in the heat & dust of the countryside. He stood in the queue with them, but they were busy enquiring about the open ATMs in their area. He addressed them, but the queue kept moving forward as the notes were exchanged. He was even willing to bring in cots for them, but they were in a hurry to move to the next Bank. All he got was Rs. 4000 worth of 100 rupee notes.

Mamata Bannerjee: Street battle by street battle, she fought & won against the red army till she conquered West Bengal. And having consolidated her position, she was looking at a larger role for herself at a national level. And then Modi comes up with this one. How is she going to pay her foot soldiers now? But you don’t mess with Didi without incurring her wrath. This royal Bengal tigress is now marching to Delhi. This will be more interesting than Delhi Safari!

Uddhav Thackeray: With Dawood holed up in Pakistan & friendly governments in Delhi & Maharashtra, he was now the undisputed king of Mumbai. But things are getting from bad to worse. First, the Supreme Court started meddling in the heights of human pyramids during janmashtami. Next, the state government handed over Bollywood to kid brother Raj. And now, Modi has hit where it hurts most. All that a law abiding politician can do now is smuggling & drug peddling. Well, he has now decided to join Mamata’s march to Delhi; Durga Pooja pandals can be big business too.

Raj Thackeray: Good friend Fadnavis had brokered a deal & opened up another foolproof revenue stream. Considering the size of Bollywood & the common man’s appetite for the masala it churns out, Raj Thackeray was just beginning to build up a war chest for the next BMC elections. It is now back to extorting toll booths, but even these are closed for the time being. But it’s not so bad as Uddhav is in the same mess too. Or may be a bigger one; isn’t he marching along with Mamata?

Shivraj Singh Chouhan: First he was upstaged as a high performing CM. Next, his squeaky clean image was tarnished with Vyapam. And now this demonetization. He is annoyed with this step motherly treatment to Madhya Pradesh when even those no hopers of West Bengal were allowed enough time to deposit their cash with the bank. Having already given up his aspirations to be the PM, he is now left hoping he stays along as the CM next time round too.

Mayawati: With the uncle squabbling with the nephew, daughters in law engaged in not letting the other get a foothold in state politics & Netaji content playing the Bhishma Pitamah of left-of-centre politics, she was again relishing the opportunity to be CM of the largest state again. She had geared up to complete the unfinished tasks from her previous tenure, what with all those towns still without any of her statues. But trust her to fight the upper caste as it tries to trample the Dalit’s rise in social hierarchy.

Vijay Mallaya: This one’s not annoyed. He got away in time. And with banks mopping away cash from the system, the Kingfisher Villa appears to be safe for now. And yes, he remains the King of good times & bad. Cheers!!

Pics courtesy:

Hum Aapke Hain Kaun: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/hindi/music/news/Salman-Khan-Madhuri-Dixit-starrer-Hum-Aapke-Hain-kaun/articleshow/30984692.cms

Khaat Sabha: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/As-Rahul-Gandhis-Khat-Yatra-ends-supporters-literally-take-their-seats-home/articleshow/54028666.cms

Mamata Bannerjee: http://www.topnews.in/people/mamata-banerjee?page=1

Human Pyramid: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/human-pyramid-makes-britains-talent-6395057

Mayawati ststue: http://www.tradeindia.com/fp2078353/Kumari-Mayawati-Statue.html

Vijay Mallaya: http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-scotland-business-35681740

Its time to move on, Arnab

Till early last week, there were strong rumours of Arnab Goswamy leaving Times Now, possibly to start his own venture. But he is still going strong with News Hour & the cardiologists have rediscovered their smiles again!

I do not know if there was any truth to these rumours, maybe they were spread by his detractors to pull down his TRP. True or not, this is high time Arnab made a move away from his current position. It gets monotonous at the top & a person of his caliber needs new challenges to keep going & growing. I know Arnab has no time to even glance at my suggestions, so I appeal to the PM to consider these as possible positions where he can utilise the talent of Arnab for the benefit of the nation:

Home Minister: 

No one has been more concerned about the internal issues than Arnab, be it Rohit Vemula suicide, Nirbhaya gang rape, Kanhaiya episode or the police encounters. In his new position, Arnab simply has to visit the various prisons with foreign journalists & human rights activists to meet under-trial terrorists. There, Arnab will verbally torture the terrorists that they will commit suicide in the presence of terror sympathisers, & no one will be in a position to blame Arnab. Similarly, all those candle light marchers will flee to the safety of their homes if they see Arnab on the street ready to confront them. With Arnab as HM, peace will finally prevail all over, including the news channels.

(With the impending elections in UP, Rajnath Singh can be easily accommodated as the CM. With a friendly government at the centre, he could actually turn around the fortunes of this Bimaru state.)

Defence Minister:

We have all watched it on News Hour, how Arnab has taken on the Paki establishment, terrorist sympathisers in Kashmir & the anti national voices from within. He is the soldier without the gun who fires without the bullet & kills without blood being shed. While the incumbent has admitted to having "personal opinion" too, Arnab has only one opinion - the "national" opinion. If he can turn the veteran paki generals into jelly from the confines of his news room, imagine what he can do if he goes to Wagah border! The mere sight of him will make the paki jawans desert in droves. Ditto for the north east too. Think Assam (and he happens to be an Assamese too) has a long boder with China & you know why he is just the man for this job.

(Looking at the strides AAP is making in Goa (as reported in the print media), its best to dispatch Manohar Parrikar, a man of clean credentials, back to protect the home turf.)

National Security Advisor:

He knows what the national wants to know, he knows all there is to know, especially about security issues & he knows how to advise, be it errant opposition politicians or the retired paki soldiers. He also carries the aura of authority over himself that brooks no nonsense. When he is around, he is the one in control & he makes sure everyone around knows this. With facts & figures on his fingertips, he is the guy who can bring the holistic approach to security issues.

(This being his post-retirement posting, Ajit Doval can be re-retired, this time for ever.)

Lt. Governor of Delhi:

Not exactly the position that befits Arnab. But has Arnab ever bothered about stature & the like? Else, why would a person of his unmatched talents sit in front of a camera night after night after night asking what the nation wants to know? But he is the one who can fling 100 pages of documentary evidence for each printed page carried by Arvind Kejriwal. Unlike the incumbent, Arnab will not quitely listen to vague accusations that Kejriwal makes every other week. Rather, he will make the Nation want to know what AK has been doing all this while. And he is the person AK will be unable to run away from after challenging for a debate. I think, AK will even forget to cough when confronted by Arnab.

(While Najeeb Jung has been quite up to the task, he can never equal Arnab's skills & can be easily sacrificed.)

Finance Minister:

One needn't be an economist to be a successful FM. Remember, we had one as the previous PM? With Arnab at the helm, the black money owners will themselves return the cash to bank & pay due taxes (with penalty) on their own. And the traders who have been hoarding the essentials in their godowns will release them to the market, bringing the inflation down. I am sure, Arnab only has to raise the pen in his hand & the Rupee, on its own, will strengthen itself against the dollars & the euros. And the budget? Not only will there be no pilferage, even funds siphoned off over the years will be returned to achieve a zero deficit budget.

(With DDCA affairs being in such shambles, Arun Jaitley should return to manage its finances.)

This is not a comprehensive list of possibilities open to Arnab. I can add so many more, India's Permanent Representative to UN being one. Or, Ambassador to China. But, then we will not see & hear him so often. I just hope Modi picks Arnab for one of these positions during the next reshuffle. Will He? The nation wants to know.

The (Modi) Surgical Strikes are here to stay!

I was chatting with this “Contact” of mine who is usually in the midst of happenings in the capital. This way, I avoid not only the polluted Delhi air but also the channels that air everything but the news. He was so elated today by what is being labelled on SM as “Modi Surgical Strike” or MSS (you know what the news channels are calling demonetisation), that he let me on the next few ones in the offing. I decided to immediately put these on this blog so that you are not caught unawares next time round.

Sooryavansham: In the next surgical strike, Sooryavansham will be banned permanently from Sony Max (or any other channel). The idiot box will never appear the same without this marquee film not being on air, but the good times haven’t ended for Bollywood junkies. Max (and every other channel) still has the freedom to air other Big-B hits such as Ajooba & Jadugar. And they had the temerity to call us intolerant?

Karan Johar movies: If the economy doesn’t show any signs of turning around, movies shot overseas despite the “Make in India” push (read KJo films) will be next in line. Sanskaari Alok Nath has already started directing the talented Gajendra Chauhan in what is expected to be the next Diwali blockbuster.  

Footpaths: The government has practically decided to remove that urban inconvenience called footpath, the drive to begin with Mumbai soon. The Mumbai roads will now be broader & the potholes deeper. Considering that Salman Khan loves driving in the night, the ever-considerate government has also decided to widen the road medians (dividers) so that the pavement dwellers can sleep there peacefully.

Valentine’s Day: This one gets the boot for not being in sync with our ancient culture. However, to protect the livelihoods of those selling balloons, flowers, chocolates & selfie sticks, the 1^st Sunday of February will be celebrated as Patanjali Day of Young at Heart. On the 2^nd & 3^rd Sundays of February, Shiv Sena & MNS respectively will be allowed to impose a bandh, take out rallies & indulge in minor arson.

TV Panel Discussions: These are innocent victims of India’s commitment to curb global warming. As the nation never really gets to know what it wants to know, these discussions will be replaced with a briefing by the government spokespersons. Followed by two minutes response each by major political parties in the spirit of a healthy democracy.

I will update you when I next meet my “Contact”.

Pics courtesy:

Sooryavansham: http://forums.itsboxoffice.com/510315/realize-premiere-tonight-interested-trending-sooryavansham

News Hour: http://www.financialexpress.com/india-news/when-humble-arnab-goswami-refused-to-take-credit-for-newshour-success-at-times-now/435934/

This Onam, its Mahabali v/s Vamana again

Onam is essentially a harvest festival of Kerala, a feature in all agrarian societies. It also has a cultural/religious/historical perspective, being considered the day when the ancient king Mahabali comes on annual visit to his former kingdom to visit his subjects (or descendants). Now, Mahabali was an Asura king who was much beloved by his subjects. This was not palatable to the Suras (or devas/devatas) & they hatched a clever plan to show him is proper place. Now, I won’t be getting into the story of what all happened (you can read more about it at: http://www.onamfestival.org/king-mahabali-onam.html) & get to the end. Vishnu (in an avatar as Vamana), defeated Mahabali & dispatched him to Patala. Of course, the devatas were gracious enough in victory to grant Mahabali the concession of visiting his land once a year.

People of Kerala celebrate this annual homecoming of Mahabali as Onam. This also gives them a reason to celebrate this harvest festival in good times & bad. Of course, today it doesn’t really matter whether the harvest has been good or bad as Kerala economy now lives on petrodollars. In all their goodness, RSS has now decided to give Kerala another reason to celebrate Onam. They have introduced Vamana Jayanti into the Kerala cultural calendar so that the it has another reason to celebrate.

Now, like the political opponents of Kerala I am tempted to look for the ulterior motives behind this move. Which is not really a difficult task. One, as an organisation that has essentially a divisive way of looking at a society RSS/BJP will not take kindly to a mythical character who treated all his subjects as one. Two, as an organisation that basically follows the north Indian cultural traits, it will not be very pleased with an Asura king being worshipped. Three, as a festival that is celebrated by all irrespective of religion, Onam does not support the kind of politics that necessitates dehomogenising the society. And so on… But, I am least perturbed by what a political group does because the rest do the same too.

I am more perplexed by the fact that RSS/BJP are pitching Vamana Jayanti directly against Onam. Now, Onam being the day when Mahabali comes for his annual visit, is the day when Vamana (or Vishnu) would have been back in Swarga. So how can this be considered as Vamana Jayanti? Unless Mahabali returns on the same day that he was defeated & banished from his kingdom. Being not at all knowledgeable in this area, I have absolutely no clue on this.

I think Vamana Jayanti should be celebrated on the day Vamana defeated Mahabali. Also, the fact that Vishnu took on the avatar of Vamana solely to defeat Mahabali, this should also be the birth anniversary of Vamana. But one of the legends has it that the day Vamana defeated Mahabali is the day celebrated as Diwali. Now, the major reason for Diwali being a major festival is that Rama, along with his wife & brother, returned to his kingdom after 14 years. So, celebrating Diwali as Vamana Jayanti would belittle the stature of Rama in the pantheon of gods. So, what if both were avataras of Vishnu? He is the guiding light of an entire political movement.

I think RSS/BJP have decided to celebrate Onam as Vamana Jayanti only to avoid a conflict between these two avataras of Vishnu. If it clashes with celebration of Mahabali’s return, so be it. Vamana defeated Mahabali once & can do so again too. At least, there will be no Vishnu v/s. Vishnu in Prithvi Lok!!

Pic courtesy: http://www.kochiservnet.com/Onam-2011/About_Onam.php  

Why don’t they come in from the cold?

After her retirement posting as Kerala governor was cruelly cut short by the new BJP government, the political career of Ms. Sheila Dixit has been unexpectedly resurrected. The badlands of UP is her new Karmabhoomi where she is the chief ministerial candidate. Whatever the imperatives for this turn of fortunes, there are other lost faces that we would like to be back:

DD Newsreaders – Those who were born after the satellite TV revolution will never believe that there existed a species that read out news every evening, without emphasizing every 2^nd minute what the nation wanted to know and who were more of newsreaders than an agitated school teacher handling an unruly class. Maybe, that was a reason people in those days didn’t suffer from stress-related illnesses.

Govinda/David Dhawan Movies – Considering that movies such as Grand Masti & the Welcome series are today served as “comedies”, the David Dhawan directed Govinda starrers seem “Padosan” class. Wish they team up again & bring back the Achhe Din to Bollywood. And those outlandish clothes and unbelievable dance moves too!

Poet politicians – When they were angry at someone, it never sounded like a Gabbar Singh or Dharam paaji. Not just AB Vajpayee, a bard in his own right, who taught others lessons in a very amiable way. Before he became Maunmohan Singh, the former PM liberally sprinkled his budget speeches with urdu couplets. Did age mellow them down.

Angry Young Man – Krish & Kabaali have also been righting the wrongs. But they no longer represent the angst of youth fighting against the system. Yes, we do have Hardik Patels in real life but they don’t bash the baddies & clean up the society on their own. They can now take out a rally or sit on a dharna or go on a hunger strike.

Letter Box – There was at least one kid who dressed as one in a fancy dress contest at school. But in this age of instant messaging & online communication, who cares for an oversized red box on the street. Don't we have a mailbox on each desk & an inbox in every hand? Hope the kids today don't have that mandatory question on letter writing in the language exams.

Mallika Sherawat – Long before Priyanka Chopra & Deepika Padukone, she was making Hiss-story in Hollywood. And long before Sunny Leone set the big screen alight (and gobbled up gigabytes of mobile memories), Ms. Sherawat was the Mallika of male fantasy. Wonder where is she now a days.

Pix credit:

Sheila Dixit - http://www.deccanchronicle.com/140826/nation-current-affairs/article/kerala-governor-sheila-dikshit-meets-rajnath-singh-president

DD Newsreaders - https://www.reddit.com/r/india/comments/2tplbv/some_doordarshan_nostalgia_on_republic_day/

Govinda - http://top10photos.com/2014/12/top-10-best-govinda-movies-time.html

AB Vajpayee - http://www.theforthright.com/atal-bihari-vajpayees-speech-nuclear-test-rocked-parliament/

Amitabh Bachchan - http://www.metrojournalist.com/oops-iconic-angry-young-man-look-was-a-tailoring-slip-up/

Letter Box - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/India_Posts

Mallika Sherawat - http://celebhealthy.com/mallika-sherawat-health-fitness-height-weight-bust-waist-and-hip-size/

Winning Kashmir Peacefully

Well, it’s a war out there & a bloody one at that. All our efforts to find a lasting resolution have not succeeded till now & I think we should listen to Sun Tzu. Of course, he is Chinese but his doctrine is the only Chinese product of lasting quality. The following two of his dictum definitely make sense in the case of Kashmir:

• There is no instance of a country having benefited from a prolonged warfare. (Ch. II – Waging War)
• The skillful leader subdues the enemy's troops without any fighting; he captures their cities without laying siege to them; he overthrows their kingdom without lengthy operations in the field. (Ch. III – Attack by Stratagem)

I suggest a three phase strategy to win Kashmir once & for all without shedding any blood along with measures to achieve these objectives. The three phases are:

1. Neutralize the leaders & the militants
2. Divert the energy of the youth
3. Consolidate the wins

Neutralisation:

The first step should be sending Arvind Kejriwal to the scene. He is the miracleman who got practically the entire city state, where no two motorists agree with each other, to vote for him. He also has the audacity to take on anyone, he has spared very few politicians or businessmen. Send him to the valley & he will raise enough muck to defile the heroes of terror. He can push those gun wielding kids into a credibility crisis that no amount of social media heroics can see them through. AK is adept at Twitter warfare too, which is a big help. All he needs is loads of cough syrup to endure the Kashmiri winter.

He has a dossier on everyone plus he knows the law. Put Dr. Subramanian Swamy alongside AK & the two will tango like no one else before. The separatist leaders would be too entangled in the legal maze to be of use to their Paki handlers. Once they are deprived the easy money, this secessionism business will no longer make sense for them. But knowing Dr. Swamy, the established political leaders too run the risk of becoming victims. But we already have AK to fill any political vacuum.

Diversion:

Why did no one think of this before? The valley should be flooded with cheap Gutkha, for the youngsters there need a past time better than picking up a gun. Gutkha has multiple uses. With Gutkha in their mouths, there will be no one shouting slogans in the rallies, thus demoralizing the leaders. Imagine you are firing back at the army or fleeing an army ambush & you get this urge to have a gutkha. You just can’t do both at the same time. The urge for gutkha is strong enough to make them put down their guns, hopefully forever. Even the more peaceful ones who only stone pelt the cops, would stop once they near a gutkha shop. Gutkha is surely the messenger of peace that needs to be sent to the valley. Moreover, the ladies who have been providing them a cover will be too disgusted by the gutkha stains all over the place to sympathise with the rebellious ones. Which would wipe out (or should it be, gutkha smear?)  almost 50% of support base. I agree that Gutkha is injurious to health, but far less than guns & bombs.

As an atheist I don’t believe in god. But if there has to be one, it can be no other than Rajinikanth. Why are we holding him back? The government should make Rajini movies tax free in the valley (all over the country too, if you ask me) & make them compulsory viewing at schools. The only people Kashmiris can look upon as heroes today are those that take the gun. Show them a Rajini starrer, and they will realize that Burhan Vanis of the world are only comic strip class. Rajini posters would replace azaadi banners. Maybe the Kashmiri youth will be inspired enough to take on the baddies of this world, beginning from their neighbourhood. So, why not begin with Kabali? AK is sure to tweet a very favourable review.

Consolidation:

Poonam Pandey always makes a promise to Team India if it wins the World Cup, but the men in blue never do. We should ask Ms. Pandey to make a similar promise to the militants who surrender. Will this work? Well, these young guys are ready to surrender their lives for a promise of 72 virgins, where no further details (of the virgins) are provided. So I think they will definitely put down their arms for a Poonam Pandey show (there’s no pun here, pls). And the selfies of these surrendered militants with Ms. Pandey should inspire the others to do so too. After all, no one has yet seen those 72 virgins.

Once brought back into the fold, we need to reform & prepare the former militants for a normal life. They will need plenty of peace & dollops of spiritualism to undo the hard work put in by our western neighbours. Who better than Ravi Shankar with his Art of Living course? He may be too busy managing his global empire & would not be comfortable in sending his lieutenants to a war zone. But remember, we will have AK on the field who will be all too willing to do all the groundwork for a spiritual show by our godman for all seasons. And I am sure, like all godmen of his stature even Ravi Shankar will have enough influence in the Paki establishment for his shows to be disturbed by fireworks.

On the face of it, the above looks very doable, the only flaw being necessity of having Arvind Kejriwal on the field. He is too busy now governing Delhi & confronting Modi. But with his wife joining AAP, maybe AK will be able to spare some time for Kashmir. Or will have to wait till elections in Punjab & Goa are over.

Pics courtesy:

Arvind Kejriwal: http://www.firstpost.com/politics/arvind-kejriwal-takes-charge-as-delhi-cm-at-historical-swearing-in-ceremony-1311317.html

Dr. Subramanian Swamy: http://www.hindustantimes.com/india/tipu-sultan-had-no-qualities-worth-celebrating-subramanian-swamy/story-DpE7IberY2i9lzYiZ9PaCP.html

Gutkha: http://www.orissadiary.com/CurrentNews.asp?id=35138

Rajinikanth: http://indianexpress.com/article/entertainment/regional/rajinikanths-kabali-audio-launched-2848612/

Poonam Pandey: http://www.indiatvnews.com/entertainment/masala/poonam-pandey-top-10-controversies-1716.html

Ravi Shankar: http://www.firstpost.com/india/sri-sri-ravi-shankar-baits-critics-agrees-world-culture-festival-is-his-private-party-as-entire-world-is-my-family-2670658.html