Presenting the CM of Punjab. Oops Delhi. Sorry Punjab. No, Delhi. Actually Punjab...

Is it true? Is Arvind Kejriwal the AAP CM candidate for Punjab? Nothing could be a better news for the people of Punjab. Finally, the messiah of the mango people was making their state his home. 

But what about the people of Delhi? They would not take it kindly, being abandoned mid-course in such a way. Well, I have a way out. Rather, more than a way out…

Odd-Even: This one has the best odds as it is the easiest to implement, Chandigarh & Delhi being not too far off. This is also one which is close to AK’s heart. In fact, he will also get a chance to meet his voters/non-voters when he commutes either way.

Visiting CM: We all have seen that Delhi is too small a place for both Modi & Kejriwal. As per this option, Kejriwal will visit Delhi when Modi is on one of his foreign trips or on election campaign. Thus, we will have only one of them in town at any time which could reduce the noise levels considerably. Of course, Punjabis would feel cheated because Modi is more often out of Delhi, than in.

Raj Dharna: When a Dharna is there, can Kejriwal be far behind? Kejriwal moves to the place/state that is holding a Dharna. And stays put till another Dharna is organized. Though there is a risk here – Kejriwal may start acting as the CM when he attends Dharna in another state which would not be to the liking of his friends there (like Didi or Nitish).

Seasonal Visits: I personally prefer this one. We all know how winter affects Kejriwal and also the problems it creates in the city. So, Kejriwal can stay in Punjab during the winters & get the farmers there not to burn their agriwaste, Delhi would get so much less of winter smog. As far as the muffler is concerned, he can get to wear it in Punjab too.

CM by Holography: He can be present in both the places by having his 3D hologram projected (as Modi did during elections) where he is not. Actually, this seems to be the best option as this would enable Kejriwal to be the CM of Goa too!!

Referendum: If all/most of the above seem equally attractive, let there be a referendum in the country (or Delhi & Punjab, to begin with) to decide the best course of action. I am sure that people of both, Delhi & Punjab, will not like to lose their CM. Thus, this democratic tool appears to be the best solution. And AAP has plenty of experience, & much faith, in a referendum.

Why I do not feel there will be any riots following #Demonetization

All those predictions of riots taking place all over the country because of people standing in queues at ATMs & bank counters have still not come true. Yes, theoretically riots should have happened, for we riot for the stupidest of reasons like losing a cricket match. So, why has India been so peaceful till now? There are a few reasons for this:

The primary reason, I feel, is that we are so used to standing in queues. At most places, at all times, for all reasons. Like milk booths, railway ticket counters, cinema halls & temples/mosques/dargahs, to name a few. In fact, right from the day we join school we are taught to stand & move in queues. Which shapes us, as adults, into disciplined queueists.

There is also an economic rationale behind this. If the supply is abundant & the people are sure they will get their share, though delayed, they are willing to wait for it. As you know, we Indians never look upon this life in absolute terms. After all, this is just one of the various visits we make to earth in physical form. Thus, we find people standing in queues at temples from morning till evening as they know that god will never run out of his blessings. And this is also the reason behind the stampedes each time the kumbh mela is held. While blessing from god & water in the river are unlimited, the time to take a dip is finite. (But this has a positive spinoff too. had it not been for the chaos during the kumbh mela, so many of our bollywwod classics would never have been made.)

If you still doubt the above theory, you should go to the railway station & witness the passengers getting into reserved & unreserved compartments. If you yet remain a disbeliever, you should join the Aam Aadmi Party. You would then get to know a wild counter-theory. Hopefully (for you), that theory would also be able to explain the absence of queues while boarding the bus.

Lest you think I am not open to a different opinion & accuse me of intolerance, let me question myself. Why do all those who do not get to see a 1^st day 1^st show of a Rajinikanth release not get violent? The tickets to the show being limited & the aspirants unlimited, going by the above theory of economics, there should be bloodshed at the box office. But I can explain this too. Firstly, it is our spiritual outlook at play here. The lucky ones had better karma which rewarded them, the losers know they have no reason to crib. Secondly, this may be a case of delayed gratification but by the time they come out the 1^st show attendees are still to get over their hangover. Thus, the 2^nd show watchers feel the same high as their immediate predecessors & probably celebrate together too. No, I am not done yet. Lastly, immediately after the show, these people go to a Tasmac (if you are wondering what this is, you may visit https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TASMAC) outlet. So when they finally reach their neighbourhood, everyone knows about their achievement irrespective of the show they went to. They haven’t lost their bragging rights & that is what matters the most.

In this quest to understand our queueing behavour, I next move to psychology. What is the difference between those seeking to get inside a bus & the Rajini fans? It’s the length of the queue, stupid. In the case of a bus, only a few get left behind while most mange to squeeze in or hang on the bus. Thus, no one wants to be in the losing minority & they fight tooth & toenail to get in. (If you joined the AAP, does your counter-theory have a counter to this one?) Opposite is the case with  a film like Kabali. The stranded ones far outnumber the lucky few who manage to get in. So when people at ATM’s realize that they are not alone (or, part of a small group) when the machine runs out of cash, they just take it in their stride & move on to another ATM. A few days in succession & they no longer aim to avoid the disappointment of returning cashless, but achieve the elation of success. Moreover, they also get undisturbed time for Whatsapp & Facebook.

Now, if its India, there will always be a religious angle. Lakshmi is worshipped as the goddess of wealth. Thus, ATM’s are nothing but temples dedicated to her. I accept that religion is the cause of most, if not all, riots. There would definitely have been riots post demonetization, but the government played smartly here. I can imagine customers of one bank ransacking or destroying ATM’s of other banks if they didn’t get any cash. But the government waived off charges for using other banks’ ATM’s & all religious differences vanished. Irrespective of where you banked, each ATM was now a temple (or mosque) for you & you don’t set fire to your own place of worship. Thus, peace reigns at the temples of 21^st century India.

After economical, emotional, spiritual, psychological & religious studies, let us now make a short visit to history before I rest my case. Unlike  the rest of Asia/Africa, it was not a few good men who won the independence for us. Gandhi derived his strength from the whole lot of Indians, of every hue, from every corner. And non violence was his weapon in that war. So is the case today, we are still as peaceful. Yes, demonetization hurts. But we will get over it & life will be back to normal soon.

Return of Odd Even (An insider account)

When I heard of it, I wasn’t sure why AAP, a party known for novel antics, should repeat one so soon. I am told it is not for lack of ideas, but absence of sound ideas. A handpicked AAP team met to brainstorm the various ways the Odd-Even could be repeated afresh. Says my source, a usually reliable guy who often has genuine inside dope on such stuff. Here is what he told me of what transpired at the AAP conclave:

Arvind Kejriwal (AK): Comrades, this is not the best of times that we meet in. We have always been in the news, even when we were being lambasted by the likes of Arnab Goswamy or Modi. But because of elections in all these states, no newspaper or TV channel is talking about us. We need to get back the headlines. Today, we have to finalise a plan to recapture our space in the media.

Ashutosh: I know what we should be doing. Let’s do the Odd-Even again. It was a great success the 1^st time, let’s make it an even bigger success this time.

AK: What crap? Do you know how much I have struggled before switching over from my Wagon R to the Innova? And you want me to squeeze into another car with you guys? No way, I will go on a holiday when the next Odd-Even starts.

Ashutosh: Look at it this way… the 1^st time we did it, we were copying what many other cities in the world had done. But none has repeated this within such a short period of time. This will be revolutionary. Ek dum krantikari. Forget Times Now, you would feature in National Geographic.

AK: You have a point there. AAP stands for innovation in politics. Only, this time we will do it differently. But how?

Imran Hussain (IH): Let’s have male & female drivers on alternate days. This will definitely be different & the media will be too busy dissecting the sociology to criticize us.

Satyendra Jain (SJ): I like this idea. If its only women who drive on alternate days, the incidence of rapes would reduce drastically on those days. On other days, they would be driven by male acquaintances & again incidence of rape go down. We should definitely do this.

Gopal Rai (GR): Don’t you know how women drive? Imagine if we only have women drivers on the road for a day. Can you even imagine the no. of accidents that may take place? The cops will get no time to collect challans from violators of Odd-Even, they will be so busy handling accidents.

Alka Lamba (AL): What do you mean? If you study the data, no. of accidents caused by men are much more than those by women. Women are far safer drivers, it’s the men who just can’t look straight if there’s a woman on the road. I prefer this plan as this would change the way men look at women drivers.

AK: I agree with Gopal. Also, the accidents would lead to traffic jams & we would still be facing the same problem with fewer vehicles. I will ditch this proposal.

Kumar Vishwas (KV): Why not disallow different categories on different days. SUV’s, being the most polluting, can be banned for a couple of days. To encourage carpooling, we can have a carpooling day when vehicles with only one person inside will not be allowed on the roads.

Ashutosh: That’s really great. We can also have specific days when luxury cars are kept off the roads. Why should it be only the poor that should suffer. After all, we represent the aam admi. Kumar, this is very krantikari.

Manish Sisodia (MS): Ashutosh, you are not on a TV panel discussion. Speak only when you have something worthwhile to tell. With such a complicated plan, who will remember what vehicle is allowed on a particular day? What if one of our leaders is caught in the wrong vehicle? It would be a big controversy & Arnab will be shouting about it the whole week. Modi will mention it in his rallies for rest of the year.

AL: I can handle Arnab very well, but you send only Raghav or Ashutosh on TV.

Manish Sisodia (MS): We will need to publish a timetable & put it up on hoardings all over the city. Where will we put our pictures then?

AL: If you don’t like this suggestion, I have another one. This does not even involve prohibiting vehicles on the road.

MS: I am not sure about it, but still curious enough to know what you can think of. It has been a depressing period since the state elections were announced. It has been days since I even smiled.

AL: We should organize Dharna’s all over Delhi, at different locations on different days. This will keep the vehicles off the roads, voluntarily. And we will be back in news. There are so many issues that we can rake up.

Mayank Gandhi (MG): Dharna is not something that we do at the drop of a hat. It is a very potent weapon & most effective close to election time.

AK: And I don’t want to sit on a Dharna under the sun during these hot days. I end up with a cough every winter & you want me to suffer heat stroke in summer? But this is a good suggestion & we should definitely use this sometime, in the winter months.

Ashutosh: We should have different working hours for different areas. So, if somewhere the offices begin at 7 AM, they begin at 8 AM, 9 AM and so on, at others. The people in different areas would be going to/returning from work at different times. This would reduce peak traffic by spreading it over a longer duration. We will have a longer but lower peak traffic. This again is so krantikari.

Raghav Chaddha (RC): Krantikari, my foot. This will only end up making people work longer hours, at least in private companies. Do you know of any corporate that likes its employees leaving before 8 PM?

KV: We will make it compulsory for offices to work for only 9 hours. This will take care of any exploitation that Raghav fears.

RC: That’s all on paper, but not practical. Do you think I am fool to quit my career for a life in politics? We will lose the services of all those young volunteers who come to us for respite from their oppressive employers.

AL: Raghav has a valid point. We may also end up losing the votes of these youngsters.

Ashutosh: I have gem of an idea. How about mandating different weekly offs for different areas? With people in different areas having an off from work on separate days, this will automatically reduce the no. of vehicles on the road. We can call Delhi, a city of week-long weekend.

GR: What happens to those whose spouse works in a different areas? They will not be able to discuss household issues for the entire period.

MS: Ashutosh, talk some sense. This is not News Hour on Times Now.

RC: This is unworkable because many companies have multiple offices across Delhi & most have 5 day weeks. No business can have different offices interacting only 3 days a week. They will force the employees to work on weekly off. We need to think about these overworked employees too.

AK: Let us not disturb the weekend from Saturday/Sunday. I am scared to think about the rush on a weekend that happens to be a Friday. How will I manage to get tickets for the 1^st day show of new film releases? Do ou know, my followers on Twitter wait for my review of a film before buying the tickets. Whatever you people think of, lands me into trouble. Let us have Odd-Even II. If it succeeds, we can plan for a bigger & better Odd-Even III. If it fails, we can always blame it on Modi.

This brought down the curtains on the discussion. It was unanimously decided to proceed with the tried & tested Odd-Even formula this time round too. But let’s give it to them. They did think of the options, didn’t they?

(Pic courtesy: http://auto.ndtv.com/news/odd-even-rule-violators-will-not-be-allowed-to-park-in-delhi-1261311)