Dear Mr. Narendra Modi...

Dear Mr. Narendra Modi,

As a marketing professional, I sincerely admire your marketing skills. If Philip Kotler was writing his celebrated book today, I am sure, it would have been based on your exploits. But you are also a bundle of contradictions. Like Salman Khan in his movies or real life.

Let’s begin with this 36 inch chest of yours. You have given ample evidence of being in possession of one, like the surgical strikes conducted by our forces. But you also have been bursting into tears far too often. Come on, you can either be a cry baby or the macho man. Talking of surgical strikes, I have been wondering why didn’t you opt for this option at Doklam? Had you done so, even the pakis would give up attacking Indian Army bases inside Indian territory. At least you didn’t blame these paki attacks on the 60 year misrule of Congress & deserve all respect for this reason (despite not blaming the misrule of Akalis).

When you arrived on the national stage you appeared very conceited, always talking about your CM days. Of late, you have turned very humble & modest. Even at the election rallies, we have never heard you speak on your path-breaking achievement – Demonetization. At one stroke, you cleverly reduced the other political parties to pauperhood while being smart enough to help your own party preserve its riches. You very well know we supported your move by standing in queues just like our jawans do at the border posts. So why be shy of speaking on this? Specifically during these days when Mr. FM is busy arresting the fall of the Rupee & you can take sole credit for Demonetization.

You also once famously said that you are a Fakir & would just pick up your Jhola & leave. What would then happen to your collection of designer Kurtas? A humble request from my side – pls ask your bhakts not to put them up in a museum for future generations to ogle at. This would be so much like the Congress. Just like the suit monogrammed with your name, you could auction these. And raise funds to finance a film on your achievements (directed by Pahlaj Nihalani & starring Anupam Kher, perhaps).

However, you have failed miserably in one aspect – fighting corruption. No, I am not asking for my share of Rs. 15 Lakhs stashed in the Swiss banks. I am pointing to the rehabilitation of the Reddy brothers of Bellary. You thought it was as simple as Yeddy, Reddy & Go in the Karnataka elections but you jumped the gun this time. You should have retained your (and our) faith in Rahul baba. He has been your brahmastra in elections. Recall his absence in the campaign leading to your defeat in UP Lok Sabha by-elections?

All said & done, I concede that you have delivered what you promised on at least one agenda point. i.e. A Congress-mukt Bharat & reducing it to a PPP party (hopefully by next week). But your policies appear very much like those of your predecessors. Of course, they do have catchy names. As I said, you are the poor, under-qualified man’s Kotler.

I know you are a quick learner & are known to never repeat a mistake twice (e.g. 2002 & Asaram). I am sure you will be your old self again when 2019 arrives. And look forward to it (as long as you do not get Arnab Goswamy to interview you).

NOTA-riously yours,

Otherwise

Pic credit: http://www.staplepost.com/2443/

Some more gems by Biplab Kumar Deb

Biplab Kumar Deb (BKD) has been hogging the limelight ever since he settled down in office. Such that the media almost forgot we have a PM too. But the Karnataka elections entering the final stages, Mr. Modi has regained the spotlight. But, what afterwards? Will BKD jump the gun again? To help our PM stay in the headlines, I making some guesses what BKD will next say & steal his thunder. Because, there can be only one celebrity in India!!

India has a long history of social reform. Great men have worked hard to eradicate social practices that were a blot on our society. Right from the days of Dayanand Saraswati to Vinoba Bhave & later Baba Amte. But their efforts had only limited effect. Like Gandhiji, who spoke on & practiced personal hygiene but was unable to transform the society till Modiji took this up. However Akshay Kumar, inspired by Modiji,  made a movie (Toilet) on the subject & encouraged the entire country to support & practice Swachha Bharat. Earlier too, he has acted in films with social messages like Mohra & Sab Se Bada Khiladi. Akshay is a true social reformer. I am sure his next film will be on the ill effects of mobiles & social media on the young generation. 

(Modi: Abbe, aisa karega to Twitter pe mere following ka kya hoga?)

MS Dhoni is a true practitioner of science. Just consider the helicopter shot. Before the bowler lands up on his crease, MSD has delved into his mind & is aware what will be bowled. Something AI is still incapable of. Next, as the bowl is released MSD calculates its speed & trajectory to know where exactly it will land. Can the fastest supercomputer supported by an array of cameras do this as quickly? Then MSD applies the laws of physics to hit the ball over the boundary. His brain works faster than even Chacha Chaudhary’s. MSD should be nominated for the Physics Nobel Prize. 

(Modi: Chup kar yaar, mai China ko request kar ke aa raha hu ki mujhe Nobel Peace prize dilwao)

First, Adaniji built all those power plants. Then, Ambaniji reduced 4G data charges. Next, Modiji has delivered electricity to all villages. Do you realise what these great men have together achieved? This will bring about transformational changes in the society. My government will now distribute Jio sim cards through PDS outlets. The young people should now stop running after government jobs because this will solve the problem of unemployment in Tripura. They should now start selling mobile phones & set up mobile service centres in each town & each village. I hope other states also follow the example of Tripura so that our youth is gainfully employed. 

(Modi: O teri… agar sab bachche mobile bechenge to chai/pakode kaun banayega?)

While the western societies have degenerated under the influence of materialism, this has not happened to India. Because people like Asaram Bapu have shown the path of spiritualism to the masses. Spiritualism enables people to not only resist materialistic pressures but also become fearless. Consider rape, for example. Asaramji willingly raped a girl so that people could openly oppose such acts without any fear. Compare the no of rapes being reported by the media or candle light marches before Bapu was caught. While people always considered rape wrong, it is only now that people have started reporting it to the police & media has also started highlighting incidents of rape. Bapu is a saint & a social reformer who has been wrongly judged by the judiciary. 

(Modi: Oye, thoda politics bhi seekh. Asaram jail mein hi achha hai.)

After retirement, our soldiers sit on dharna at Jantar Mantar demanding higher pension. Do we netas ever do so even though many of us lose position after just 5 years? The soldiers should learn from Salman Khan. As Chulbul Pandey, he finished the mafia raj in UP. This was one of the reasons Yogiji could end SP’s goondaraj & establish Ramraj in UP. Then, as Tiger, he helped Indian intelligence services abroad. Without Tiger’s help, RAW would have been a toothless tiger. People criticize Salman for killing a blackbuck. So what, is what I ask of them. He only killed one. And the blackbuck was not immortal, it would have died sooner or later for some reason or the other. But have you considered the increase in environmental awareness created after the incident? Salmanbhai even sacrificed his Bollywood career for the sake of wildlife protection. He is a true Bharat Ratna. 

(Modi: Ye kyon nahi bataya ki Bhai ne mere sath Amdavad mein patang bhi udayi thi.)

I have said this earlier & I will say this again. Modiji is doing what no leader has ever dared to even attempt. Modiji destroyed the entire black money in the country by a simple trick of withdrawing Rs. 1000 notes. Modiji’s opposition to corruption has scared the corrupt & criminals like Vijay Mallya, Neeraj Chokshi & Dawood Ibrahim to flee India. Modiji has delivered justice to innocent people like Maya Kodnani who were victimized by Congress. Modiji has electrified all villages so that the poor can recharge their mobiles whenever they want. Looking beyond India, leaders all over the world are dying to be hugged by Modiji. Under Modiji, India will again be Sone ki Chidiya by 2024. Modiji is the Father of Modern India. 

(Modi: Tu to ek bete se bhi badh kar hai! #LoveUBips)

Pics courtesy:

MS Dhoni (https://www.firstpost.com/sports/ms-dhoni-remnant-of-golden-era-in-indian-cricket-leaves-behind-unparalleled-legacy-3188880.html)

Mohra (http://www.rediff.com/movies/report/quiz-who-was-the-original-choice-for-raveenas-role-in-mohra/20170621.htm)

Jio (https://www.jio4gplan.com/how-to-activate-reliance-jio-sim-card/)

Asaram (https://www.thehindubusinessline.com/news/asaram-bapu-2-others-convicted-in-rape-case/article23667146.ece)

Salman (https://www.ndtv.com/entertainment/salman-khans-tiger-zinda-hai-trailer-is-viral-celebs-say-film-will-be-blockbuster-1772321)

Biplab Deb (https://www.outlookindia.com/website/story/tripura-cm-biplab-deb-summoned-by-pm-modi-over-controversial-statements/311502)

Presenting the CM of Punjab. Oops Delhi. Sorry Punjab. No, Delhi. Actually Punjab...

Is it true? Is Arvind Kejriwal the AAP CM candidate for Punjab? Nothing could be a better news for the people of Punjab. Finally, the messiah of the mango people was making their state his home. 

But what about the people of Delhi? They would not take it kindly, being abandoned mid-course in such a way. Well, I have a way out. Rather, more than a way out…

Odd-Even: This one has the best odds as it is the easiest to implement, Chandigarh & Delhi being not too far off. This is also one which is close to AK’s heart. In fact, he will also get a chance to meet his voters/non-voters when he commutes either way.

Visiting CM: We all have seen that Delhi is too small a place for both Modi & Kejriwal. As per this option, Kejriwal will visit Delhi when Modi is on one of his foreign trips or on election campaign. Thus, we will have only one of them in town at any time which could reduce the noise levels considerably. Of course, Punjabis would feel cheated because Modi is more often out of Delhi, than in.

Raj Dharna: When a Dharna is there, can Kejriwal be far behind? Kejriwal moves to the place/state that is holding a Dharna. And stays put till another Dharna is organized. Though there is a risk here – Kejriwal may start acting as the CM when he attends Dharna in another state which would not be to the liking of his friends there (like Didi or Nitish).

Seasonal Visits: I personally prefer this one. We all know how winter affects Kejriwal and also the problems it creates in the city. So, Kejriwal can stay in Punjab during the winters & get the farmers there not to burn their agriwaste, Delhi would get so much less of winter smog. As far as the muffler is concerned, he can get to wear it in Punjab too.

CM by Holography: He can be present in both the places by having his 3D hologram projected (as Modi did during elections) where he is not. Actually, this seems to be the best option as this would enable Kejriwal to be the CM of Goa too!!

Referendum: If all/most of the above seem equally attractive, let there be a referendum in the country (or Delhi & Punjab, to begin with) to decide the best course of action. I am sure that people of both, Delhi & Punjab, will not like to lose their CM. Thus, this democratic tool appears to be the best solution. And AAP has plenty of experience, & much faith, in a referendum.

When words lose their meaning

In the world of social media, a Troll is someone who pursues persons (most often, celebrities) with a different opinion (on social media sites) & posts aggressive messages to provoke or harass that person. But it also meant at different times in different places:

• A supernatural creature who often has large ears, a foul smell, and is known to take up residency under municipal bridges in the seedier parts of town (https://www.americanexpress.com/us/small-business/openforum/)
• Antisocial, quarrelsome and slow-witted creatures which make life difficult for travelers (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet_troll)
• Beasts that thrived on the smell and taste of rotted flesh (http://csis.pace.edu/grendel/)
• And many more, if you go to https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/troll.

As you know, (spoken) language is ever evolving. So today if we think of a troll as an online person (often under a pseudonym or false identity), in future Narendra Modi going on about Maa-Bete ki Sarkar & Arvind Kejriwal jumping up every time Modi says/does something could also be considered as trolling. 

Now, all these definitions of troll made me think of words or names that acquire a totally different meaning or change the original meaning itself. There are many of these but I will touch upon only three.

  

Take for example, Colgate. Many years back when scooters had to be booked months in advance, you never asked for a toothpaste. Instead, it was always colgate. But over the years as other brands acquired shelf space & market share, the good old Toothpaste regained its space in the popular vocabulary. This helped Colgate to a great extent when another term with a slightly different pronunciation & a totally different meaning hit the headlines. Had it been a weaker brand, Colgate would have been forced to relaunch itself with a different name, when the previous UPA government gave us #CoalGate. The power of the brand has been proved by the fact that #CoalGate is dead & waiting to be buried, while Colgate thrives & rules the retail world.

Another example of such a power brand is Nirodh, the first widely publicized contraceptive in India. It literally means prevention or detention. Come on, you can admit you didn’t know this. I didn’t either and looked up on http://dict.hinkhoj.com/ & http://www.maxgyan.com/hindi/. One would think the meaning fits the brand to the T, but only if one has not witnessed its use as a balloon by the more mischievous ones at college/university auditoria. With increase in literacy rates, these qualified students soon made a mark in the field of politics. I think it was at behest of these bright ones that the government came out with adverts on TV to educate us of the actual name of the product & how to pronounce it correctly – Con-Dom.

While the above two were examples of brands unintentionally acquiring different meanings, there are some who acquire a name for the meaning of the word but become so powerful as to obliterate that meaning itself. Like Google, which is a play on Googol. Actually, googol means 1 followed by 100 zeroes, or what the mathematically inclined would call 10 raised to power of 100 (https://www.google.co.in/). But today, google has a totally different connotation in popular lexicon. Apart from being the brand name of a tech giant, it is also used to mean “to search”. e.g. It is ironical one has to google the real meaning of Google. During my younger days when I was into quizzing, if one was looking for an answer the easiest way out was approaching fellow quizzers. Someone was sure to know. When none did, we went to the library & searched it. But today we only need to go to google & even as one is typing it, google gets us the answers. Many fear that the likes of Google could soon make human intelligence redundant. Not really, for there are so many answers that are now ingrained in our memory. Like, ask anyone which is the highest peak in the world & the instant response would be Mount Everest.

Speaking of Mount Everest, my brother (Vikas Dimri) is attempting to climb the summit next year (April/May 2017). He has been working towards this for quite some time now. You can read about his passion, preparation & past achievements on the campaign support website (www.openskiez.com). While you are at it, pls loosen your purse strings & contribute towards the effort. 

Pics credit:

Troll (http://www.thewrap.com/study-finds-online-trolls-bad-people-offline/)

Vikas Dimri (http://www.openskiez.com/gallery.html) 

What next after Demonetization?

Let me first clarify that I am neither for nor against demonetization. Though I am not an economist, I still do not support demonetization as I believe it was not planned properly & also because a lot of common citizens have been put into needless trouble because of this. Also, while I agree that this step will address a miniscule proportion of black economy, I still feel whatever that no. is (2%, 5%, 10%), something is still better than nothing & we will end up in a better state. And for this reason, I think this should only be the 1^st battle in the war against corruption.

But now that the elections in critical states are round the corner the PM is already busy with his electoral duties. So what happens when the banks are tanked up with new currency & the queues at ATM’s & bank counters diminish? To help him hit the ground running when he returns to office, here are my suggestions to our PM for the next anti-corruption measures:

Ask anyone in an ATM queue & he will inform you that the largest hoarders of cash/black money are the builders. Usually, they take around 30% to 40% of payment in cash form which may or may not be reported. I suggest, you exempt 40% of income of builders from income tax. As it is, you are not collecting any tax on this income. Same for sale of house/property too. You would then eliminate black money from the real estate sector in one shot. Which will return to the legitimate monetary system as these guys would be able to spend their hard earned money any way they like. Or they would deposit this money in banks which have more funds to lend (as home loans too!), thus fuelling the economy.

On the same lines, I would like you to exempt government officials from paying income tax. And not just because they are public servants doing public service for public welfare. Because firstly, their salaries would increase proportionately & they would have a lesser need to make ends meet by accepting dole (or, what the common man calls Bribe) from the paying public. Also because what the citizen pays these gentlemen is already taxed & as these payments have no tax liability, it no longer will be considered “black money”. Not only does this measure ensure life goes on as before, it also makes the public servants a happier lot which may make improve the service they provide (would they worry about where to dispose the cash?). Thus, a win-win solution for all.

There is another sphere of economic activity which works under the radar, known to all though no one talks about it openly. Coming from Gujarat, I am sure you would already have guessed it. Yes, I am speaking about bootlegging. These are the good Samaritans who receive no appreciation but only harassment from the official machinery. Even they should be exempt from paying income tax, because their work is almost as important to the nation as those of the farmers. I know this appears to go against the Gandhian principles which are so dear to us, but this is not the case. When these spiritual service providers feel they have nothing to fear about their wealth, they would hit the markets in a very conspicuous manner. This would inspire the unemployed youth to take up this profession, which would make it very competitive & unprofitable. There could be more desertions than addition, probably leading the industry to look at other avenues for business. Which is what Gandhi wanted.

Organised religion dabbles mostly in cash, of all denominations. All temple trusts, waqf boards, churches & the like should be forbidden from holding any bank accounts or owning land. Because if they trust god why do they need banks for safe custody of their wealth? And because god is omnipresent & all-powerful, the land owners are just tenants of god (or his representatives) & the entire land ultimately belongs to him/them. But babas & godmen are not to be considered here, because they perform other important tasks too such as producing movies, meeting parents of slain terrorists & throwing MNC’s out of business.

I would love to add another measure to the list above – No cash donations to political parties. But I know this would not be acceptable to any political party or politician. Also, if this is implemented any ordinary person can aspire to be a politician, become MLA/MP & govern the states/country. This is a scary thought & you know what I mean. You have quite a few of these types in your vicinity who are also a pain in you know what. As individuals & as citizens we cannot even self-govern. Just look at the chaos on the road when there is no traffic police around (to give an example), and you will understand what I mean. We need the politicians to rule (pls read this as: formulate & administer laws) us, whether they mend their ways or not.

You have highly competent people in your team who will come up with even better suggestions. But whatever step you take next, pls see that it has a simple name. Terms such as “demonetization” are too difficult to pronounce to have any meaningful discussion at the tea stalls & we only end up saying “Bharat Mata ki Jai”!

How to Make Enemies & Annoy People

Modi spent the 1^st half of his tenure traveling all over the world & making friends with the global leaders. And he was quite successful too, except in the neighbourhood. But by withdrawing the Rs. 500 & Rs. 1000 currency notes, he has, in one stroke, frittered away the goodwill that he had earned within. Not that he cares, but here’s what the mighty & the influential are feeling today:

Bollywood: One would have thought the film industry would have been happy

to see these long queues. So what if these were at Banks & ATMs & not for some 1^st day 1^st show of a Bollywood blockbuster. But the Bollywood moguls are really worried & it is about the donation to Army Welfare Fund. Yes, the fund can be transferred electronically, but they are actually bothered with the processing fees (you know the type!) that needs to be paid for getting the film released. I think they will now move to the Sooraj Barjatiya formula – a song-studded, shot-in-studio, wedding video. Or maybe turn into theme wedding organisers for the likes of Reddy brothers of Bellary.

Rahul Gandhi: For the last many months he has been traversing the hinterland, on bikes, jeeps & choppers. He ate with the villagers & slept in their huts. This was one opportunity to mix with people he could not miss, without getting out in the heat & dust of the countryside. He stood in the queue with them, but they were busy enquiring about the open ATMs in their area. He addressed them, but the queue kept moving forward as the notes were exchanged. He was even willing to bring in cots for them, but they were in a hurry to move to the next Bank. All he got was Rs. 4000 worth of 100 rupee notes.

Mamata Bannerjee: Street battle by street battle, she fought & won against the red army till she conquered West Bengal. And having consolidated her position, she was looking at a larger role for herself at a national level. And then Modi comes up with this one. How is she going to pay her foot soldiers now? But you don’t mess with Didi without incurring her wrath. This royal Bengal tigress is now marching to Delhi. This will be more interesting than Delhi Safari!

Uddhav Thackeray: With Dawood holed up in Pakistan & friendly governments in Delhi & Maharashtra, he was now the undisputed king of Mumbai. But things are getting from bad to worse. First, the Supreme Court started meddling in the heights of human pyramids during janmashtami. Next, the state government handed over Bollywood to kid brother Raj. And now, Modi has hit where it hurts most. All that a law abiding politician can do now is smuggling & drug peddling. Well, he has now decided to join Mamata’s march to Delhi; Durga Pooja pandals can be big business too.

Raj Thackeray: Good friend Fadnavis had brokered a deal & opened up another foolproof revenue stream. Considering the size of Bollywood & the common man’s appetite for the masala it churns out, Raj Thackeray was just beginning to build up a war chest for the next BMC elections. It is now back to extorting toll booths, but even these are closed for the time being. But it’s not so bad as Uddhav is in the same mess too. Or may be a bigger one; isn’t he marching along with Mamata?

Shivraj Singh Chouhan: First he was upstaged as a high performing CM. Next, his squeaky clean image was tarnished with Vyapam. And now this demonetization. He is annoyed with this step motherly treatment to Madhya Pradesh when even those no hopers of West Bengal were allowed enough time to deposit their cash with the bank. Having already given up his aspirations to be the PM, he is now left hoping he stays along as the CM next time round too.

Mayawati: With the uncle squabbling with the nephew, daughters in law engaged in not letting the other get a foothold in state politics & Netaji content playing the Bhishma Pitamah of left-of-centre politics, she was again relishing the opportunity to be CM of the largest state again. She had geared up to complete the unfinished tasks from her previous tenure, what with all those towns still without any of her statues. But trust her to fight the upper caste as it tries to trample the Dalit’s rise in social hierarchy.

Vijay Mallaya: This one’s not annoyed. He got away in time. And with banks mopping away cash from the system, the Kingfisher Villa appears to be safe for now. And yes, he remains the King of good times & bad. Cheers!!

Pics courtesy:

Hum Aapke Hain Kaun: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/hindi/music/news/Salman-Khan-Madhuri-Dixit-starrer-Hum-Aapke-Hain-kaun/articleshow/30984692.cms

Khaat Sabha: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/As-Rahul-Gandhis-Khat-Yatra-ends-supporters-literally-take-their-seats-home/articleshow/54028666.cms

Mamata Bannerjee: http://www.topnews.in/people/mamata-banerjee?page=1

Human Pyramid: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/human-pyramid-makes-britains-talent-6395057

Mayawati ststue: http://www.tradeindia.com/fp2078353/Kumari-Mayawati-Statue.html

Vijay Mallaya: http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-scotland-business-35681740

Its time to move on, Arnab

Till early last week, there were strong rumours of Arnab Goswamy leaving Times Now, possibly to start his own venture. But he is still going strong with News Hour & the cardiologists have rediscovered their smiles again!

I do not know if there was any truth to these rumours, maybe they were spread by his detractors to pull down his TRP. True or not, this is high time Arnab made a move away from his current position. It gets monotonous at the top & a person of his caliber needs new challenges to keep going & growing. I know Arnab has no time to even glance at my suggestions, so I appeal to the PM to consider these as possible positions where he can utilise the talent of Arnab for the benefit of the nation:

Home Minister: 

No one has been more concerned about the internal issues than Arnab, be it Rohit Vemula suicide, Nirbhaya gang rape, Kanhaiya episode or the police encounters. In his new position, Arnab simply has to visit the various prisons with foreign journalists & human rights activists to meet under-trial terrorists. There, Arnab will verbally torture the terrorists that they will commit suicide in the presence of terror sympathisers, & no one will be in a position to blame Arnab. Similarly, all those candle light marchers will flee to the safety of their homes if they see Arnab on the street ready to confront them. With Arnab as HM, peace will finally prevail all over, including the news channels.

(With the impending elections in UP, Rajnath Singh can be easily accommodated as the CM. With a friendly government at the centre, he could actually turn around the fortunes of this Bimaru state.)

Defence Minister:

We have all watched it on News Hour, how Arnab has taken on the Paki establishment, terrorist sympathisers in Kashmir & the anti national voices from within. He is the soldier without the gun who fires without the bullet & kills without blood being shed. While the incumbent has admitted to having "personal opinion" too, Arnab has only one opinion - the "national" opinion. If he can turn the veteran paki generals into jelly from the confines of his news room, imagine what he can do if he goes to Wagah border! The mere sight of him will make the paki jawans desert in droves. Ditto for the north east too. Think Assam (and he happens to be an Assamese too) has a long boder with China & you know why he is just the man for this job.

(Looking at the strides AAP is making in Goa (as reported in the print media), its best to dispatch Manohar Parrikar, a man of clean credentials, back to protect the home turf.)

National Security Advisor:

He knows what the national wants to know, he knows all there is to know, especially about security issues & he knows how to advise, be it errant opposition politicians or the retired paki soldiers. He also carries the aura of authority over himself that brooks no nonsense. When he is around, he is the one in control & he makes sure everyone around knows this. With facts & figures on his fingertips, he is the guy who can bring the holistic approach to security issues.

(This being his post-retirement posting, Ajit Doval can be re-retired, this time for ever.)

Lt. Governor of Delhi:

Not exactly the position that befits Arnab. But has Arnab ever bothered about stature & the like? Else, why would a person of his unmatched talents sit in front of a camera night after night after night asking what the nation wants to know? But he is the one who can fling 100 pages of documentary evidence for each printed page carried by Arvind Kejriwal. Unlike the incumbent, Arnab will not quitely listen to vague accusations that Kejriwal makes every other week. Rather, he will make the Nation want to know what AK has been doing all this while. And he is the person AK will be unable to run away from after challenging for a debate. I think, AK will even forget to cough when confronted by Arnab.

(While Najeeb Jung has been quite up to the task, he can never equal Arnab's skills & can be easily sacrificed.)

Finance Minister:

One needn't be an economist to be a successful FM. Remember, we had one as the previous PM? With Arnab at the helm, the black money owners will themselves return the cash to bank & pay due taxes (with penalty) on their own. And the traders who have been hoarding the essentials in their godowns will release them to the market, bringing the inflation down. I am sure, Arnab only has to raise the pen in his hand & the Rupee, on its own, will strengthen itself against the dollars & the euros. And the budget? Not only will there be no pilferage, even funds siphoned off over the years will be returned to achieve a zero deficit budget.

(With DDCA affairs being in such shambles, Arun Jaitley should return to manage its finances.)

This is not a comprehensive list of possibilities open to Arnab. I can add so many more, India's Permanent Representative to UN being one. Or, Ambassador to China. But, then we will not see & hear him so often. I just hope Modi picks Arnab for one of these positions during the next reshuffle. Will He? The nation wants to know.

The (Modi) Surgical Strikes are here to stay!

I was chatting with this “Contact” of mine who is usually in the midst of happenings in the capital. This way, I avoid not only the polluted Delhi air but also the channels that air everything but the news. He was so elated today by what is being labelled on SM as “Modi Surgical Strike” or MSS (you know what the news channels are calling demonetisation), that he let me on the next few ones in the offing. I decided to immediately put these on this blog so that you are not caught unawares next time round.

Sooryavansham: In the next surgical strike, Sooryavansham will be banned permanently from Sony Max (or any other channel). The idiot box will never appear the same without this marquee film not being on air, but the good times haven’t ended for Bollywood junkies. Max (and every other channel) still has the freedom to air other Big-B hits such as Ajooba & Jadugar. And they had the temerity to call us intolerant?

Karan Johar movies: If the economy doesn’t show any signs of turning around, movies shot overseas despite the “Make in India” push (read KJo films) will be next in line. Sanskaari Alok Nath has already started directing the talented Gajendra Chauhan in what is expected to be the next Diwali blockbuster.  

Footpaths: The government has practically decided to remove that urban inconvenience called footpath, the drive to begin with Mumbai soon. The Mumbai roads will now be broader & the potholes deeper. Considering that Salman Khan loves driving in the night, the ever-considerate government has also decided to widen the road medians (dividers) so that the pavement dwellers can sleep there peacefully.

Valentine’s Day: This one gets the boot for not being in sync with our ancient culture. However, to protect the livelihoods of those selling balloons, flowers, chocolates & selfie sticks, the 1^st Sunday of February will be celebrated as Patanjali Day of Young at Heart. On the 2^nd & 3^rd Sundays of February, Shiv Sena & MNS respectively will be allowed to impose a bandh, take out rallies & indulge in minor arson.

TV Panel Discussions: These are innocent victims of India’s commitment to curb global warming. As the nation never really gets to know what it wants to know, these discussions will be replaced with a briefing by the government spokespersons. Followed by two minutes response each by major political parties in the spirit of a healthy democracy.

I will update you when I next meet my “Contact”.

Pics courtesy:

Sooryavansham: http://forums.itsboxoffice.com/510315/realize-premiere-tonight-interested-trending-sooryavansham

News Hour: http://www.financialexpress.com/india-news/when-humble-arnab-goswami-refused-to-take-credit-for-newshour-success-at-times-now/435934/

On Appointments, Disappointments & Misappointments

It started with Mr. Gajendra Chauhan being made to head the FTII (appointment), then news leaked that Dr. Raghuram Rajan will not taking up a second term (disappointment), followed by Mr. Chetan Chauhan put at the helm of NIFT (misappointment). As happens these days, all hell broke loose. Things have turned out to be so grave that the opposition to another International Yoga (on the day of posting) is muted this time round.

This is not a very good situation to be in. To help our government smoothly push appointments to important positions, here is my list of candidates for its consideration:

President  of Sahitya Akademi

If Mr. Gajendra Chauhan can head FTII, Mr. Chetan Bhagat can brag of better credentials in the literary field. Of course, his rivals would not be wrong to claim that Mr. Bhagat's books are not as trashy as Mr. Chauhan's films, but merit has not been a consideration for a long time. And, like Mr. Pahlaj Nihalani, Mr. Bhagat doesn't back down when confronted by the high & mighty. This would be useful if (or when) the award wapasi gang returns. This would also keep him too busy to write another book for a long time.

Commissioner at Large for NRI Affairs

I know there is no such position, but one can always be created for Mr. Anupam Kher. Hasn't he been the most vocal supporter of rights of displaced Kashmiris? Though not NRI's in the strictest sense of the term, the KP's are Indians who are non residents in their own homeland - let's call them domestic NRI's. Mr. Kher can be expected to bring the same empathy, as in the case of domestic NRI's, to improve the plight of our expat NRI's too. This may become critical as Trump appears to be the next POTUS.

RBI Governor

He is a businessman/industrialist, an ex-member of Parliament, and has very good working relations with Banks. In other words, a business-friendly person on good terms with the politicians who also makes the banks do his bidding without holding any office. What more do you want in a Governor of RBI? If all this is not enough, Dr. Vijay Mallya, if given this responsibility, can also be expected to manage the unputdownable Dr. Subramanian Swamy!

Permanent Representative to UN

Any other organisation/position will be too low for a person of his mettle. A learned scholar (wasn't he the 1st Indian to teach at Harvard?), trust him to stand up to the world. The foreign service babus may not support this, but Dr. Subramanian Swamy should be privy to enough of their murky secrets for them to make any noise about this.  And the loose cannon that he is, he can scare the shit out of the seasoned diplomats at UN too. Who knows, just to placate Dr. Swamy, they would make India not only a member of NSG but also a permanent member of Security Council. Yes, we need a strong person like him at the apex body of international affairs. After all, akela Modi kya kya karega?

President of India

Times are bad & getting worse. Only Nirmal Baba, as head of the nation, can guide us to salvation in double quick time. I am amazed why the central government never aproached him when all its game changing legislations were stuck in the Rajya Sabha. Nirmal Baba would have told where exactly the "Kripa" was held up. But it's still not too late & making Nirmal Baba the next president can definitely ensure a second term for Mr. Modi by accelerating the arrival of Achhe Din. What's more, the simplistic, down to earth solutions that Nirmal Baba has for the common & not-so-common problems of the common man would definitely endear him to Mr. Arvind Kejriwal & we may finally see the two governments in Delhi seeing eye to eye on an issue.

Well, these are my choices & you may have your own preferences different than these above. Also, this is not the comprehensive list of offices that need to be replaced. So, why don't you add to this list to make our government's task easier?

Pix credit:

Mr. Chetan Bhagat (http://www.indiatimes.com/entertainment/more-bollywood/chetan-bhagat-on-salman-khan-kick-and-middleclass-heroes-163897.html)

Mr. Anupam Kher (http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/anupam-kher-collaborating-with-ashoke-pandit-for-a-film-on-the-plight-of-kashmiri-pandits/articleshow/51950308.cms)

Dr. Vijay Mallya (http://www.newsmobile.in/articles/2016/04/29/willing-to-reach-reasonable-debt-settlement-vijay-mallya/)

Dr. Subramanian Swamy (http://www.hindustantimes.com/india/tipu-sultan-had-no-qualities-worth-celebrating-subramanian-swamy/story-DpE7IberY2i9lzYiZ9PaCP.html)

Nirmal Baba (http://archive.indianexpress.com/news/court-reserves-on-anticipatory-bail-plea-of-nirmal-baba/966927/)

Why stop at Salman, when Bollywood has so much to offer?

Appointment of Salman Khan as the goodwill ambassador of our Olympic squad has created fissures within the sporting community. I have already talked about that in my previous post (Where the Ambassador needs some Goodwill himself). But in the current times when even politicians limit themselves to 140 characters, it’s a good idea to have ambassadors for other areas too. And who better than Bollywood to provide us with these knights? Here’s my choice of Bollywood worthies to promote India & Indianness.

Amitabh Bachchan: How can a Bollywood list begin without the Big B? He may have been made the brand ambassador for Incredible India campaign, but I feel he can be an equally good ambassador for the banking industry. Remember Bofors case, where the Big B’s name cropped up along with brother Ajitabh? That proved that Big B wasn’t just loitering around after his shoots for Yashraj films in Switzerland. But Swiss banks becoming home to all & sundry was not to his comfort & he moved to upcoming destinations like Panama & British Virgin Islands, this time along with daughter-in-law. And it was not just “me & my family” for Amitabh. He also made ordinary Indians into millionaires through his TV show (KBC). Who knows he could be the messiah that Indian banks need after being kingfishered.

Sunny Deol: If love for his wife made him go all the way to Pakistan, imagine what would 125 crore Indians inspire him to achieve. I would like Sunny to be made the goodwill ambassador for the agriculture sector. He will then pull out all the hand pumps in Pakistan, Bangladesh & China which would give some respite to our suffering farmers. I am also sure that BCCI would be willing to shell out the expenses for a smooth conduct of IPL-10. And yes, people staying in Arnab Goswamy’s housing complex would be able to celebrate a wet dhuleti next year!!

Sanjay Dutt: There can be no better person than Sanjay Dutt as the ambassador for our Police force. He not only glamourized the gangster in his movies, but has also played many a memorable role as a cop. In real life too, he made a guarded police premises his second home and the policemen his extended family. Sanju baba is the one to champion the lives of policemen. Of course, I am also hoping that this will also keep him away from real life gangsters & real life guns. And that he will also not play Chatur Singh again!

Alok Nath: If the efforts of people such as Smriti Irani & Yogi Adityanath are successful, we are in for a socio-cultural revolution. But the left/commie/fiberal/sickular brigade is not playing ball. More damaging is the fact that the image of India & Indians is getting sullied abroad. So, who better than Alok Nath to showcase the values of Indian diaspora in the global arena. With the social media frenzy that our Sanskari Babuji generates, the decadent west may finally accept the traditional Indian way of life. But there is a downside to this… Next time our popstar PM performs at Madison Square, it would turn out to be bhajan sandhya. I am not sure whether Modi will like it.

Sunny Leone: It is not just our traditions & values, but also our culture & heritage that need a goodwill ambassador. Today, the world knows us mainly for Yoga & Taj Mahal. What about the other accomplishments of our ancestors in the field of arts, literature, architecture? To promote & popularize past glory, we need a globally known face & Sunny Leone has much more than that!! I don’t expect hordes of tourists waiting for a glimpse of the treasure inside Khajuraho caves just because Sunny is put on the job. But the world will definitely have more interest & better awareness of what our forefathers talked, wrote & created. Maybe, even the IIM’s would start a course in Sanskrit.

Do you have someone in mind who can be added to this list? If so, pls let us all know about him/her.

Picture credits:

Alok Nath (http://www.rediff.com/movies/report/alok-nath-reveals-his-favourite-sanskar-joke/20140103.htm)

Amitabh Bachchan (http://indianexpress.com/article/entertainment/screen/amitabh-bachchans-character-in-aankhen-2-will-be-neither-negative-or-positive/)

Sanjay Dutt (http://www.bollywoodlife.com/news-gossip/is-sanjay-dutt-getting-better-with-age/#!1/sanjay-dutt-policeuniform-220113/)

Sunny Deol (http://www.in.com/sholay/gallery-100-years-of-cinema-unforgettable-cinematic-moments-303498-50004622.html#21)

Sunny Leone (http://www.financialexpress.com/photos/business-gallery/183217/google-trends-india-2015-cricket-wc-beats-bahubali-to-top-sunny-leone-salman-khan-in-top-searches-too/5/)