Its time to move on, Arnab

Till early last week, there were strong rumours of Arnab Goswamy leaving Times Now, possibly to start his own venture. But he is still going strong with News Hour & the cardiologists have rediscovered their smiles again!

I do not know if there was any truth to these rumours, maybe they were spread by his detractors to pull down his TRP. True or not, this is high time Arnab made a move away from his current position. It gets monotonous at the top & a person of his caliber needs new challenges to keep going & growing. I know Arnab has no time to even glance at my suggestions, so I appeal to the PM to consider these as possible positions where he can utilise the talent of Arnab for the benefit of the nation:

Home Minister: 

No one has been more concerned about the internal issues than Arnab, be it Rohit Vemula suicide, Nirbhaya gang rape, Kanhaiya episode or the police encounters. In his new position, Arnab simply has to visit the various prisons with foreign journalists & human rights activists to meet under-trial terrorists. There, Arnab will verbally torture the terrorists that they will commit suicide in the presence of terror sympathisers, & no one will be in a position to blame Arnab. Similarly, all those candle light marchers will flee to the safety of their homes if they see Arnab on the street ready to confront them. With Arnab as HM, peace will finally prevail all over, including the news channels.

(With the impending elections in UP, Rajnath Singh can be easily accommodated as the CM. With a friendly government at the centre, he could actually turn around the fortunes of this Bimaru state.)

Defence Minister:

We have all watched it on News Hour, how Arnab has taken on the Paki establishment, terrorist sympathisers in Kashmir & the anti national voices from within. He is the soldier without the gun who fires without the bullet & kills without blood being shed. While the incumbent has admitted to having "personal opinion" too, Arnab has only one opinion - the "national" opinion. If he can turn the veteran paki generals into jelly from the confines of his news room, imagine what he can do if he goes to Wagah border! The mere sight of him will make the paki jawans desert in droves. Ditto for the north east too. Think Assam (and he happens to be an Assamese too) has a long boder with China & you know why he is just the man for this job.

(Looking at the strides AAP is making in Goa (as reported in the print media), its best to dispatch Manohar Parrikar, a man of clean credentials, back to protect the home turf.)

National Security Advisor:

He knows what the national wants to know, he knows all there is to know, especially about security issues & he knows how to advise, be it errant opposition politicians or the retired paki soldiers. He also carries the aura of authority over himself that brooks no nonsense. When he is around, he is the one in control & he makes sure everyone around knows this. With facts & figures on his fingertips, he is the guy who can bring the holistic approach to security issues.

(This being his post-retirement posting, Ajit Doval can be re-retired, this time for ever.)

Lt. Governor of Delhi:

Not exactly the position that befits Arnab. But has Arnab ever bothered about stature & the like? Else, why would a person of his unmatched talents sit in front of a camera night after night after night asking what the nation wants to know? But he is the one who can fling 100 pages of documentary evidence for each printed page carried by Arvind Kejriwal. Unlike the incumbent, Arnab will not quitely listen to vague accusations that Kejriwal makes every other week. Rather, he will make the Nation want to know what AK has been doing all this while. And he is the person AK will be unable to run away from after challenging for a debate. I think, AK will even forget to cough when confronted by Arnab.

(While Najeeb Jung has been quite up to the task, he can never equal Arnab's skills & can be easily sacrificed.)

Finance Minister:

One needn't be an economist to be a successful FM. Remember, we had one as the previous PM? With Arnab at the helm, the black money owners will themselves return the cash to bank & pay due taxes (with penalty) on their own. And the traders who have been hoarding the essentials in their godowns will release them to the market, bringing the inflation down. I am sure, Arnab only has to raise the pen in his hand & the Rupee, on its own, will strengthen itself against the dollars & the euros. And the budget? Not only will there be no pilferage, even funds siphoned off over the years will be returned to achieve a zero deficit budget.

(With DDCA affairs being in such shambles, Arun Jaitley should return to manage its finances.)

This is not a comprehensive list of possibilities open to Arnab. I can add so many more, India's Permanent Representative to UN being one. Or, Ambassador to China. But, then we will not see & hear him so often. I just hope Modi picks Arnab for one of these positions during the next reshuffle. Will He? The nation wants to know.

The (Modi) Surgical Strikes are here to stay!

I was chatting with this “Contact” of mine who is usually in the midst of happenings in the capital. This way, I avoid not only the polluted Delhi air but also the channels that air everything but the news. He was so elated today by what is being labelled on SM as “Modi Surgical Strike” or MSS (you know what the news channels are calling demonetisation), that he let me on the next few ones in the offing. I decided to immediately put these on this blog so that you are not caught unawares next time round.

Sooryavansham: In the next surgical strike, Sooryavansham will be banned permanently from Sony Max (or any other channel). The idiot box will never appear the same without this marquee film not being on air, but the good times haven’t ended for Bollywood junkies. Max (and every other channel) still has the freedom to air other Big-B hits such as Ajooba & Jadugar. And they had the temerity to call us intolerant?

Karan Johar movies: If the economy doesn’t show any signs of turning around, movies shot overseas despite the “Make in India” push (read KJo films) will be next in line. Sanskaari Alok Nath has already started directing the talented Gajendra Chauhan in what is expected to be the next Diwali blockbuster.  

Footpaths: The government has practically decided to remove that urban inconvenience called footpath, the drive to begin with Mumbai soon. The Mumbai roads will now be broader & the potholes deeper. Considering that Salman Khan loves driving in the night, the ever-considerate government has also decided to widen the road medians (dividers) so that the pavement dwellers can sleep there peacefully.

Valentine’s Day: This one gets the boot for not being in sync with our ancient culture. However, to protect the livelihoods of those selling balloons, flowers, chocolates & selfie sticks, the 1^st Sunday of February will be celebrated as Patanjali Day of Young at Heart. On the 2^nd & 3^rd Sundays of February, Shiv Sena & MNS respectively will be allowed to impose a bandh, take out rallies & indulge in minor arson.

TV Panel Discussions: These are innocent victims of India’s commitment to curb global warming. As the nation never really gets to know what it wants to know, these discussions will be replaced with a briefing by the government spokespersons. Followed by two minutes response each by major political parties in the spirit of a healthy democracy.

I will update you when I next meet my “Contact”.

Pics courtesy:

Sooryavansham: http://forums.itsboxoffice.com/510315/realize-premiere-tonight-interested-trending-sooryavansham

News Hour: http://www.financialexpress.com/india-news/when-humble-arnab-goswami-refused-to-take-credit-for-newshour-success-at-times-now/435934/

This Onam, its Mahabali v/s Vamana again

Onam is essentially a harvest festival of Kerala, a feature in all agrarian societies. It also has a cultural/religious/historical perspective, being considered the day when the ancient king Mahabali comes on annual visit to his former kingdom to visit his subjects (or descendants). Now, Mahabali was an Asura king who was much beloved by his subjects. This was not palatable to the Suras (or devas/devatas) & they hatched a clever plan to show him is proper place. Now, I won’t be getting into the story of what all happened (you can read more about it at: http://www.onamfestival.org/king-mahabali-onam.html) & get to the end. Vishnu (in an avatar as Vamana), defeated Mahabali & dispatched him to Patala. Of course, the devatas were gracious enough in victory to grant Mahabali the concession of visiting his land once a year.

People of Kerala celebrate this annual homecoming of Mahabali as Onam. This also gives them a reason to celebrate this harvest festival in good times & bad. Of course, today it doesn’t really matter whether the harvest has been good or bad as Kerala economy now lives on petrodollars. In all their goodness, RSS has now decided to give Kerala another reason to celebrate Onam. They have introduced Vamana Jayanti into the Kerala cultural calendar so that the it has another reason to celebrate.

Now, like the political opponents of Kerala I am tempted to look for the ulterior motives behind this move. Which is not really a difficult task. One, as an organisation that has essentially a divisive way of looking at a society RSS/BJP will not take kindly to a mythical character who treated all his subjects as one. Two, as an organisation that basically follows the north Indian cultural traits, it will not be very pleased with an Asura king being worshipped. Three, as a festival that is celebrated by all irrespective of religion, Onam does not support the kind of politics that necessitates dehomogenising the society. And so on… But, I am least perturbed by what a political group does because the rest do the same too.

I am more perplexed by the fact that RSS/BJP are pitching Vamana Jayanti directly against Onam. Now, Onam being the day when Mahabali comes for his annual visit, is the day when Vamana (or Vishnu) would have been back in Swarga. So how can this be considered as Vamana Jayanti? Unless Mahabali returns on the same day that he was defeated & banished from his kingdom. Being not at all knowledgeable in this area, I have absolutely no clue on this.

I think Vamana Jayanti should be celebrated on the day Vamana defeated Mahabali. Also, the fact that Vishnu took on the avatar of Vamana solely to defeat Mahabali, this should also be the birth anniversary of Vamana. But one of the legends has it that the day Vamana defeated Mahabali is the day celebrated as Diwali. Now, the major reason for Diwali being a major festival is that Rama, along with his wife & brother, returned to his kingdom after 14 years. So, celebrating Diwali as Vamana Jayanti would belittle the stature of Rama in the pantheon of gods. So, what if both were avataras of Vishnu? He is the guiding light of an entire political movement.

I think RSS/BJP have decided to celebrate Onam as Vamana Jayanti only to avoid a conflict between these two avataras of Vishnu. If it clashes with celebration of Mahabali’s return, so be it. Vamana defeated Mahabali once & can do so again too. At least, there will be no Vishnu v/s. Vishnu in Prithvi Lok!!

Pic courtesy: http://www.kochiservnet.com/Onam-2011/About_Onam.php  

Why don’t they come in from the cold?

After her retirement posting as Kerala governor was cruelly cut short by the new BJP government, the political career of Ms. Sheila Dixit has been unexpectedly resurrected. The badlands of UP is her new Karmabhoomi where she is the chief ministerial candidate. Whatever the imperatives for this turn of fortunes, there are other lost faces that we would like to be back:

DD Newsreaders – Those who were born after the satellite TV revolution will never believe that there existed a species that read out news every evening, without emphasizing every 2^nd minute what the nation wanted to know and who were more of newsreaders than an agitated school teacher handling an unruly class. Maybe, that was a reason people in those days didn’t suffer from stress-related illnesses.

Govinda/David Dhawan Movies – Considering that movies such as Grand Masti & the Welcome series are today served as “comedies”, the David Dhawan directed Govinda starrers seem “Padosan” class. Wish they team up again & bring back the Achhe Din to Bollywood. And those outlandish clothes and unbelievable dance moves too!

Poet politicians – When they were angry at someone, it never sounded like a Gabbar Singh or Dharam paaji. Not just AB Vajpayee, a bard in his own right, who taught others lessons in a very amiable way. Before he became Maunmohan Singh, the former PM liberally sprinkled his budget speeches with urdu couplets. Did age mellow them down.

Angry Young Man – Krish & Kabaali have also been righting the wrongs. But they no longer represent the angst of youth fighting against the system. Yes, we do have Hardik Patels in real life but they don’t bash the baddies & clean up the society on their own. They can now take out a rally or sit on a dharna or go on a hunger strike.

Letter Box – There was at least one kid who dressed as one in a fancy dress contest at school. But in this age of instant messaging & online communication, who cares for an oversized red box on the street. Don't we have a mailbox on each desk & an inbox in every hand? Hope the kids today don't have that mandatory question on letter writing in the language exams.

Mallika Sherawat – Long before Priyanka Chopra & Deepika Padukone, she was making Hiss-story in Hollywood. And long before Sunny Leone set the big screen alight (and gobbled up gigabytes of mobile memories), Ms. Sherawat was the Mallika of male fantasy. Wonder where is she now a days.

Pix credit:

Sheila Dixit - http://www.deccanchronicle.com/140826/nation-current-affairs/article/kerala-governor-sheila-dikshit-meets-rajnath-singh-president

DD Newsreaders - https://www.reddit.com/r/india/comments/2tplbv/some_doordarshan_nostalgia_on_republic_day/

Govinda - http://top10photos.com/2014/12/top-10-best-govinda-movies-time.html

AB Vajpayee - http://www.theforthright.com/atal-bihari-vajpayees-speech-nuclear-test-rocked-parliament/

Amitabh Bachchan - http://www.metrojournalist.com/oops-iconic-angry-young-man-look-was-a-tailoring-slip-up/

Letter Box - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/India_Posts

Mallika Sherawat - http://celebhealthy.com/mallika-sherawat-health-fitness-height-weight-bust-waist-and-hip-size/

Winning Kashmir Peacefully

Well, it’s a war out there & a bloody one at that. All our efforts to find a lasting resolution have not succeeded till now & I think we should listen to Sun Tzu. Of course, he is Chinese but his doctrine is the only Chinese product of lasting quality. The following two of his dictum definitely make sense in the case of Kashmir:

• There is no instance of a country having benefited from a prolonged warfare. (Ch. II – Waging War)
• The skillful leader subdues the enemy's troops without any fighting; he captures their cities without laying siege to them; he overthrows their kingdom without lengthy operations in the field. (Ch. III – Attack by Stratagem)

I suggest a three phase strategy to win Kashmir once & for all without shedding any blood along with measures to achieve these objectives. The three phases are:

1. Neutralize the leaders & the militants
2. Divert the energy of the youth
3. Consolidate the wins

Neutralisation:

The first step should be sending Arvind Kejriwal to the scene. He is the miracleman who got practically the entire city state, where no two motorists agree with each other, to vote for him. He also has the audacity to take on anyone, he has spared very few politicians or businessmen. Send him to the valley & he will raise enough muck to defile the heroes of terror. He can push those gun wielding kids into a credibility crisis that no amount of social media heroics can see them through. AK is adept at Twitter warfare too, which is a big help. All he needs is loads of cough syrup to endure the Kashmiri winter.

He has a dossier on everyone plus he knows the law. Put Dr. Subramanian Swamy alongside AK & the two will tango like no one else before. The separatist leaders would be too entangled in the legal maze to be of use to their Paki handlers. Once they are deprived the easy money, this secessionism business will no longer make sense for them. But knowing Dr. Swamy, the established political leaders too run the risk of becoming victims. But we already have AK to fill any political vacuum.

Diversion:

Why did no one think of this before? The valley should be flooded with cheap Gutkha, for the youngsters there need a past time better than picking up a gun. Gutkha has multiple uses. With Gutkha in their mouths, there will be no one shouting slogans in the rallies, thus demoralizing the leaders. Imagine you are firing back at the army or fleeing an army ambush & you get this urge to have a gutkha. You just can’t do both at the same time. The urge for gutkha is strong enough to make them put down their guns, hopefully forever. Even the more peaceful ones who only stone pelt the cops, would stop once they near a gutkha shop. Gutkha is surely the messenger of peace that needs to be sent to the valley. Moreover, the ladies who have been providing them a cover will be too disgusted by the gutkha stains all over the place to sympathise with the rebellious ones. Which would wipe out (or should it be, gutkha smear?)  almost 50% of support base. I agree that Gutkha is injurious to health, but far less than guns & bombs.

As an atheist I don’t believe in god. But if there has to be one, it can be no other than Rajinikanth. Why are we holding him back? The government should make Rajini movies tax free in the valley (all over the country too, if you ask me) & make them compulsory viewing at schools. The only people Kashmiris can look upon as heroes today are those that take the gun. Show them a Rajini starrer, and they will realize that Burhan Vanis of the world are only comic strip class. Rajini posters would replace azaadi banners. Maybe the Kashmiri youth will be inspired enough to take on the baddies of this world, beginning from their neighbourhood. So, why not begin with Kabali? AK is sure to tweet a very favourable review.

Consolidation:

Poonam Pandey always makes a promise to Team India if it wins the World Cup, but the men in blue never do. We should ask Ms. Pandey to make a similar promise to the militants who surrender. Will this work? Well, these young guys are ready to surrender their lives for a promise of 72 virgins, where no further details (of the virgins) are provided. So I think they will definitely put down their arms for a Poonam Pandey show (there’s no pun here, pls). And the selfies of these surrendered militants with Ms. Pandey should inspire the others to do so too. After all, no one has yet seen those 72 virgins.

Once brought back into the fold, we need to reform & prepare the former militants for a normal life. They will need plenty of peace & dollops of spiritualism to undo the hard work put in by our western neighbours. Who better than Ravi Shankar with his Art of Living course? He may be too busy managing his global empire & would not be comfortable in sending his lieutenants to a war zone. But remember, we will have AK on the field who will be all too willing to do all the groundwork for a spiritual show by our godman for all seasons. And I am sure, like all godmen of his stature even Ravi Shankar will have enough influence in the Paki establishment for his shows to be disturbed by fireworks.

On the face of it, the above looks very doable, the only flaw being necessity of having Arvind Kejriwal on the field. He is too busy now governing Delhi & confronting Modi. But with his wife joining AAP, maybe AK will be able to spare some time for Kashmir. Or will have to wait till elections in Punjab & Goa are over.

Pics courtesy:

Arvind Kejriwal: http://www.firstpost.com/politics/arvind-kejriwal-takes-charge-as-delhi-cm-at-historical-swearing-in-ceremony-1311317.html

Dr. Subramanian Swamy: http://www.hindustantimes.com/india/tipu-sultan-had-no-qualities-worth-celebrating-subramanian-swamy/story-DpE7IberY2i9lzYiZ9PaCP.html

Gutkha: http://www.orissadiary.com/CurrentNews.asp?id=35138

Rajinikanth: http://indianexpress.com/article/entertainment/regional/rajinikanths-kabali-audio-launched-2848612/

Poonam Pandey: http://www.indiatvnews.com/entertainment/masala/poonam-pandey-top-10-controversies-1716.html

Ravi Shankar: http://www.firstpost.com/india/sri-sri-ravi-shankar-baits-critics-agrees-world-culture-festival-is-his-private-party-as-entire-world-is-my-family-2670658.html