Beware of the Curse

Pen is mightier than sword,
Can it really be true?
Many have fallen for this
As, I am sure, have you.


The written word is robust,
Just a stanza, or be it a verse.
Is something more potent?
Yes, it is a well directed curse.


Many are those who lived
Big, powerful and strong.
But once the foe sent a curse,
They didn't survive for long.


They conquered with weapon
And they won with wealth.
But it was all in vain against
A weapon of silence & stealth.


The written word is mighty,
But a spoken one much more.
And if its a godman in spite,
It has just shut the last door.


Even you wouldn't wish to
Ever earn such a dislike,
If she turns out to be a monk
Who had once lent her bike.

All that's wrong with the new Surf Excel ad

It is not India-Pak LOC, but Twitter that is the hottest war zone right now. And after Balakot, the josh is so high that my twitter timeline is filled with the proponents & opponents waging their solo battle for or against anything & everything. Including a harmless commercial for a detergent powder. While I have nothing against Hindustan Unilever (HUL) & have been an admirer of its marketing skills, a critical viewing of the new Surf Excel TVC (https://youtu.be/Zq7mN8oi8ds) made me see all that is wrong in the ad. So, here I go...

Firstly, the tagline - Daag achhe hain. My kid loved this tagline when it was introduced & would merrily tell this to her mom. But no longer, after discovering that it had a short shelf life as an antidote to the scolding she receives after dirtying her clothes. Yes, this tagline sounded good the first few times. But now it sounds like a lame excuse for a sub standard product. Come on HUL, after all these years couldn't you come up with a product that would remove all stains? The kids would love it & you would have a loyal customer base in the next generation too.

Moreover, these topical ads no longer have any novelty value as there are many other advertisers who come out with TVCs focused on a particular event or theme. Tata Tea still manages to recycle its ads during election season & it works every time (for our netas, or their politics, is never going to change). But detergent is not such a product. A Holi-themed commercial would have worked well had HUL launched a detergent that specifically removes the holi colours. But it is selling the same old detergent. This is not even a case of old wine in new bottle. In this age when all the information in the world is freely available on Google, you cannot fool anyone for the shortest period of time.

I also do not like the empty street shown in the ad. Holi is one festival where everyone is outside the house. At least the kids are, for no self respecting mom likes her home dirty with holi colours. It is a festival celebrated outdoors & one comes inside only after every one has run out of colours & water. Here we find the young kids safely barricaded on the first floor & an empty street below. During my younger days, we would have thrown a water balloon back at the boys above. Even at the risk of not being seen around this house for the next week till aunty had forgotten all. It appears the creative director has never played holi the way it should be.

What I disliked the most about this ad was the girl on the bicycle wearing no safety gear. Kids should mandatorily be made to wear not just the helmet, but elbow caps & knee caps too while riding. Yes, this doesn't happen in India, but shouldn't a socially responsible advertiser show a properly geared rider? Watch any ad for a car & you will find front seat occupants wearing the seat belts. Now watch the cars on the road & you will find very few doing so. But the car manufacturer/marketer has done its job & it is for the society and law enforcing agencies to do their bit. If you have watched the Edelweiss Tokio Life advert, the girl learning the bicycle is also properly decked up. If Edleweiss can, why can't HUL? I find the ad, while aiming to be socially meaningful, simply promoting a chalta hai attitude towards road safety. Which is a major cause of accidents on our roads. HUL, you are not responsible enough.

But these should not give rise to the kind of protests that HUL is facing. And I wondered why. For the answer I turned to a dear friend who is actively involved with a political party of a particular hue. What he disclosed really stumped me. In the ad, the little girl eggs on the boys by saying "fenk ke dikha na". And this is what pissed off the devotees, for there is only one person with the divine right to fenkofy. Hence the battle cry #BoycottSurfExcel.

Pics source: 

Surf Excel ad.: https://trak.in/tags/business/2019/03/11/after-kumbh-ad-hindustan-unilever-faces-backlash-over-holi-ad-for-surf-excel-boycottsurfexcel/ 

Edelweiss Tokio Life ad: https://www.zeebiz.com/companies/news-edelweiss-tokio-life-insurance-launches-its-tv-commercials-directed-by-noted-bollywood-director-shoojit-sircar-86596

Avenging Pulwama

So BCCI is still not sure whether it wants to play Pakistan in the world cup. Whatever, at least they have started thinking on the right track. 

I believe it does not behove a country of India's stature to get into a skirmish with a country like Pakistan. But it is #TerrorStatePak that we are dealing with & we shouldn't endure the bleeding through a thousand cuts. And #Pulwama has to be avenged. However, I advocate going about it in a manner that they don't even realise what hit them.

This is why we should call for expulsion of Pakistan from ICC. That will really hurt them, and their new PM too, he himself being a cricketer of repute once. We all know how Pakistan has been pleading for Paki players be allowed to play in IPL. When they are not able to play any international game whatsoever, they will come to their senses. Today, the Pak army has crippled democracy. But seeing the state of affairs of cricket, I am sure retired cricketers like Miyadad & Waqar, with many an old axe to grind against Imran, would float their own political fronts. The Pak army top brass will the be too busy with this new internal politics to even glance across the border. And let us live in peace.

But till this happens, TV channels in India & the Indian websites should stop covering any match involving Pakistan. Cricbuzz is already on the job on this & the Pakistani fans have started clamouring for the good old days. And not just Cricket, the same should be done for Hockey too. These are the only two sports Pakistan is good at, and India provides the maximum eyeballs to both. The international federations of both the sports are too accommodating of Indian interests. I am sure if our federations apply enough pressure, the Pakis would be left with playing only Gulli-Danda in the streets.

The Bollywood has also jumped into the ban Pak artist bandwagon. But they should draw a line - artists of Pak origin but brought up elsewhere (UK, Canada, etc.) should be welcome to make India their home. The Indian film buffs can always do with another overseas actress like Katrina Kaif or Sunny Leone & should not be denied the simple pleasures. In fact, we should make Sunny Leone the beacon of Bollywood. Her films should be bombarded on the satellite networks & her videos on the mobile networks. Her films would lure the Pak actresses to ditch their homeland & cross the border. Her videos would ensure that the idle men who now carry guns would be too busy with their phones. 

And all those young men who take up the gun will realise that there are more "hoors" on earth than "jannat". And that these hoors are migrating from their country to the neighbouring one. They will drop the guns & get busy protecting their riches. And you know what, Sunny Leone also promotes Mankind Pharma products. It will get a new market on the platter. And this is one product where a customer will never trust one made in China. Even if sold at Chinese costs!!

The Indian government should also pardon Vijay Mallya on the condition that he settles down in Dubai & starts new businesses in Pakistan. I am sure he will be too eager to push his two most successful products into a new market - Kingfisher beer & Kingfisher calendar. If this happens, it will be the knockout punch. Both of these are haraam in Islam & the mulla brigade out there will not take kindly to this. But will the illeterate, unemployed, idle Pak youth shun what the King of Good Times offers simply becuase a priest sitting inside a mosque says so? I very much doubt this. In fact, with a bottle or two of the Kingfisher beer down their throats & emboldened by the Kingfisher calendar in their possession, these youth could revolt against the clergy. Forget Kashmir, they won't even be able to defend their own mosques.

But these are all short term measures & we need a permanent solution. With Pakistan, one never knows when they get bored with killing each other or the afghans & get back to meddling in India. We should resort to cultural warfare to show these people their proper position. Starting with Biryani... We should claim GI tag for Biryani. Pakistan is sure to counter this. But the kinds & varieties of Biryani's available in India, and that Biryani's popularity began when the subcontinent was a single nation, should suffice. Why this is important? Once GI tag is received, every time a Pakistani eats Biryani he will be reminded of the big brother India & be thankful that we gave this wonderful dish to the world. Or, shun this pleasure altogether. Let the Pakis enjoy their Biryani-less feasts, if they can! And what will they offer to the Saudi prince when he comes calling? Hakka Noodles & Chicken Fried Rice? They will not get even $ 20 million then.

At the same time, the government should declare Urdu as our second national language. Which is legitimate as Urdu was developed in India & is our native language. And we should go around the world promoting Urdu as our language. For, our cultural & literary heritage in Urdu (and otherwise too) is much richer than Pakistan's. You want a separate country? Get a separate language too. With Arabic & Persian also having their own homelands, the paki boys will have to develop their own language from scratch. Once they get free from scratching their butts. It will be fun watching them do so (developing the language, stupid), for its no nuclear secret that can be stolen.

India & Pakistan have a lot of shared cultural heritage. We should start appropriating it. Now, the Punjabis are still an influential community despite the Sharif family falling foul of the defence establishment. But with Bhuttos practically exterminated politically, it opens space for us. We should declare Cheti Chand a National Holiday, at par with Diwali, Holi & the Eid's. And also start celebrating other Sindhi festivals publicly. Let the Sindhis in Pakistan know that across the border too their customs are respected. Also, we should award LK Advani with the Bharat Ratna (hope the PM agrees for the sake of the nation). This would show them that while the Pak establishment kills the Sindhi leaders, we respect the ones we have. Hopefully, this would give rise to a segment within Pakistan that is friendly with us & works for a closer integration of the hearts. And maybe, well... let's not speak on this that openly & publicly.

This is all I can think of at this time. Maybe, some other ideas would crop up the next time. 

Hopefully, the government would have implemented some of the above by then & there will be no next time. 

Jai Hind!

A Letter to the School

Dear Madam,

The complain note was a pleasure.
Yes, you read that right!
Whatever may be the insinuation,
It filled me with delight.

Firstly, what she has done
Little kids are expected to do.
And such others that I know
Number much more than a few.

This is how friends and own self,
Our creativity, we expressed.
This being a kid's natural instinct,
Our school/parents never suppressed.

And before my girl discovers life
And navigates this complex maze,
I want her to have all the fun
In these few childhood days.

While I have not tutored her
On what all fun acts to do,
It was a wonderful realisation,
The same mischief, we did too.

But no such reprimands befell us
Because the town that we stayed
Always had an assimilative culture
And knows how characters get made.

Thus, we may now pin the blame
On free thinking, this town gives.
And suggest the aggrieved parent
Move to a place more conservative.

For, its most likely his own son
Should come under the same influence.
And consider, in the growing up years,
For these views, his dad a dunce.

The aggrieved parent has all right
To question my kid's upbringing.
But let him know, for all he knows,
That he actually knows nothing.

Else, why hasn't he realised
That upbringing is a long process,
And a ten year old child
Is just a work in progress?

Its not as a child, or even a teen,
But growing up to a mature adult,
That the parent can proudly show
Upbringing and its due result.

Let aggrieved parent share his coordinates.
Our performance, we may then compare.
For, its a good fifteen years away,
To know, as parents, how we fare.

I have spoken to the girl
And she admits her part,
But also that she is not
The sole contributor to this art.

So, if you will delve a bit deeper,
I am sure you will find
That in your lovely class
There are other creative minds.

It may very well be the victim child
For all that I do know.
And this is not far fetched,
If, by his own reaction, you go.

While the aggrieved parent
Would still thrust all blame,
Let those little kids know
That harmless fun has no shame.

Lastly, this being the week
Dedicated to St. Valentine,
I wish the aggrieved parent
All that is fine.

(Ashish Dimri, 09/02/2019)


p.s.: The above was in response to a complaint (appended below, names struck off) by a parent that my daughter had drawn on his son's portrait in the school diary. While this would have been brushed off as a case of being too touchy & overprotective, I had to respond because he questioned her upbringing for the same. So, if you come across your or any other kid doing the same, let them be. Its their childhood & we shouldn't interfere with it. Let them enjoy the childhood while it lasts. 

Backbenchers of the World

Yesterday, we finally had traditional powers, Brazil & Belgium, bucking the trend of upsets at FIFA World Cup. While Brazil turned it around in the 2^nd half, Belgium managed to do this with just 15 seconds left of the added time. This time, the heavyweights of the football world will remain in the shadows of memories.

What we recall would be the speedy Mexicans outpacing & outscoring the Germans, or Iceland defence, packed denser than an iceberg, puncturing the halo around Messi. But Argentina has a knack of getting into such spots. Remember 1990, when the defending champions lost to Cameroon in their opening fixture?

But this post is not about Argentina’s World Cup woes. It is about those unheralded teams & players who rose to glory during this once-in-four-years event. Like Cameroon, guided by an ageing sub, Roger Milla, reaching the quarters in 1990. That cup also saw the 2^nd choice Argentine goalkeeper (another sub), Sergio Goycochea, stopping spot kicks like never before (or after) to take his team to the finals.

Not just 1990 (or 2018), but the history of the World Cup is replete with such upsets. Like North Korea defeating Italy in 1966. Or Nigeria reaching the knockout stage at its first appearance in 1994. And USA defeating England (unbelievable but its true) in 1950.

What makes these teams & players punch above their weight, defying al predictions & destroying reputations? The major reason, I believe, is an absence of any expectations. Devoid of pressure to perform, they attempt & deliver their best.

Then we have the lack of fear or risk. A star footballer is always worried about the injuries that he may pick up & plays it safe (a superstar footballer is more proactive, he feigns injuries!). But for these little known ones, playing at this stage compensates several times a few months of injury lay off. Thus, they go all out & give it their all which reflects in the result.

Next, is the joy they derive from the sport. They still are not the mercenaries of the sporting world, they play for pride, passion & fun. A missed chance is as good as a goal scored. Even in defeat, they are not heart broken.

Theirs is not a David vs Goliath tale. They shine briefly before the big boys take over. But in that short period, they leave behind indelible memories. And we love them for this. For want of a better term, let’s call them Backbenchers.

Another two weeks & the cup will be over. Or backbenchers will also disappear from the screens only to reappear in repeat telecasts four years hence as a build-up to the next World Cup.

But, worry not… If you have some understanding of Gujarati, you may as well go & watch the movie being released on 20^th July – Backbenchers (brought to you by Purple Wings Productions). And relive those good old days!!

(And till the movie is released, you have the above vdo)


Pic source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2018_FIFA_World_Cup 

Thank You, ABD

AB De Villiers, the Mr. 360 of cricket, announced his retirement from international cricket yesterday. This had to happen & would have been equally sad whenever it would have, for even legends have to call it a day sometime. ABD says he is retiring because he is “tired”. Now this is something not easily digested. Not only the most entertaining & awe-inspiring, he was also an extremely fit & athletic cricketer. I think the reasons go beyond cricket & I am hazarding a few guesses what those could be…

Is he looking at a post-cricket sports career in another sport. We already have Usain Bolt who is evaluating a stint in pro soccer in Bundesliga. And ABD has been proficient in other sports too. In fact, he played hockey, football, rugby, tennis & badminton for South Africa as a junior. Maybe, he is considering a return to one of these or some other sport where he could utilise the skills he so splendidly displayed while playing cricket. But I think, it will be definitely a contact sport. Playing cricket at the top level for such a long time makes players such as ABD experts in avoiding unwanted contact, with not just other players but also other elements of the game like bookies, journalists, etc. When avoiding a sliding tackle by a defender, ABD will thank his clean record while in international cricket.

We also need to acknowledge that cricketers of today play a lot more cricket all year round than their predecessors. This takes a heavy toll on their body. We have already seen MS Dhoni, another very fit cricketer, playing only the limited overs variety for this very reason. Players such as ABD & MSD give it their all when on the field. As the body ages, the physical capacity also reduces. Like MSD, ABD could also have opted to play the shorter versions of the game. But he didn’t. I think this is because he plays for RCB in the IPL, which necessitates staying in Bangalore. It is actually the Bangalore traffic that is tiring not a 40-over game of cricket. Imagine going to (and returning from) the nets or an IPL match on the Bangalore roads. And ABD had to hit all those amazing shots & take unbelievable catches. While ABD is only “tired”, ordinary mortals would be exhausted by the time they took the field. Maybe, he should have moved on to another franchise, say Kings XI. But that’s something ordinary people do.

Cricket is no longer a lazy gentleman’s game (the game being lazy, not the gentlemen). Especially the 20-20 version. It is adrenaline charged, high energy game from start to finish with packed stands cheering (or booing) every ball or shot. And with stakes so high, it is also a mental game. At the end of the day, a player is bound to be drained out physically, mentally & emotionally. It is for this reason, the promoters hold post-match parties for the teams & guests. This helps the players to totally forget the on-field action & wake up the next day mentally fresh & emotionally stronger. But with the King of Good Times, the singular Mr. Vijay Mallya, no longer around, I doubt the RCB’s post-match celebrations any longer help. Perhaps, this is why ABD said he has “run out of gas”.

Have you been also intrigued by the date of announcement? The day he tweeted his plans, a new CM was taking oath of office in Bangalore. After a week of political games that were as beguiling & had as much drama as an IPL match. But this was totally different than the way ABD played his cricket. In the way that a team won on the basis of how it played & consequently, result of the match. Or the manner a player’s performance was appreciated even if he happened to be in the other team. Or, walking off even before the umpire declared him out. But what happened in Bangalore on the days leading to ABD declaring his retirement from international cricket was just not cricket. An absence of honesty, integrity, ethics. How soon before cricket too embraced the ways of the outside world? ABD simply signed off before that happened. Leaving behind unforgettable memories for the fans to savour on a rained-out match day.

Pic source: https://www.foxsports.com.au/cricket/south-africa-destroy-bangladesh-ab-de-villiers-crushes-monster-century/news-story/d4dd9b74c2143774348d232714d387d9

Why BJP (and you) should be watching the IPL

All of you would be in awe of AB De Villiers’ catch in the match against SRH. Most of his catches are such, but this one surpassed even his usual standards of athleticism. Same as the events following the results to Karnataka Assembly elections. The political players involved crossed the depths not seen for quite some time. Yet, they fell short of ABD. Maybe, they could take some lessons from him.

The 1^st memory of the catch is ABD jumping up, beyond the reach of a normal athlete, towards the ball. Something BS Yeddyurappa did after the results were out, when he approached the Governor with his claim to the CMship. But ABD’s leap is something he has been doing all the time. Batsmen around the world know that the ball should cross ABD beyond at least 3 metres (in all directions) to stand any chance of crossing ABD. ABD has made his name in cricket, but he has been playing many other games with equal enthusiasm & skill. Which rubs off on his cricket too. Many other sportspersons follow this, e.g. MSD was a football (soccer) goalkeeper before taking up cricket seriously, while Usain Bolt may be seen playing football (again, soccer) for a top flight German professional club. In sporting lingo, this is called cross training. Sadly (for himself), Yeddy is too old a person to try his hand at other activities. He may be tempted to follow the footsteps of ND Tiwari or Digvijay Singh, but that won’t help!

It was not just the leap that did it. He stretched his arm out, as if pulling his body behind it. He went beyond the limits of his physical reach. Sporting greatness is attained by those who cross the barriers. Whether it is a Rahul Dravid with his mental focus or a Sergei Bubka who always pushed the bar higher (literally & figuratively!). But the largest party (by no. of seats won) failed to do this. Had they patched up with JDS before the Congress did, it would have been spared the embarrassment of a Trust Vote not taken. If the Congress, who had earlier accused JDS of being BJP’s B-team, could do so, why not the BJP?

When the ball landed in his palm, he latched on to it. Fingers closing around the ball, not letting it get off. Opportunity seldom knocks twice, they say. This is nowhere truer than sports. Had ADB failed to catch it, the ball would have gone beyond the boundary for a maximum. But champions seldom give up easily, true champs never do. They give it their all, and more. In Karnataka, the famed BJP machinery failed to break through the opponents’ defence & couldn’t entice even a single MLA to switch sides. They were not only the largest party by number, they also had their own person as the arbitrator of political fortunes. Maybe owing to complacence but still unpardonable.

And then landed firmly, within the boundary. Had he stepped out, the effort would have been wasted. But he was alive to the fact & ensured that not only did his feet drop inside the ropes, they stayed within the line. Sports has always been about honesty, integrity & playing by the rules. Those who do not, howsoever successful they may be, have been shamed once they are known to be cheats. From Ben Johnson to Lance Armstrong, sporting rehabilitation is out of the question. BJP failed here on the first count itself. By making the claim without having necessary numbers was crossing the line of political propriety. Not that ethics have been integral to Indian politics for a long time now. But this was too openly corrupt for a party that has been harping on the corruption indulged by its predecessor.

To summarise, the story line in Karnataka would have been different had BJP looked up the ADB's success mantras:

• Multi-skilling has its payoffs.
• Reach out to push the boundaries.
• Never let go of an opportunity.
• Honesty pays, every time.

But this is not all, there are other aspects to ADB’s success story:

• It is years of hard work & practice that has gone behind ABD’s being the best in business.
• ADB has never been lackadaisical in his approach & has always given his 110%.
• He has managed to find motivation to deliver even when chips are down.

And not just our netas, if you can tick all the boxes above you can also be sure of seeing your dream come true. As my brother, Vikas, did who was literally on top of the world when he reached the summit at Mount Everest!

ADB Pic source: http://www.freepressjournal.in/cricket/ipl-2018-rcb-vs-srh-virat-kohli-compares-ab-de-villiers-to-spiderman-because-of-this-flying-catch-watch-video/1278993

The Kill

Many years ago, when cities were few and far between and we had very few zoos to keep and display animals, there was a pristine forest teeming with wildlife. As the day broke, the birds would come out and wake up rest of the animals from their well-deserved slumber. The animals frolicked around throughout the day and went to their resting places during the night. Then, the larger ones would come out and kill a few animals to feed themselves. Thus the animals led a peaceful life together in this closed ecosystem. The forest served them all their needs.

Except during the dry months when the water bodies ran dry and many of the herbivores moved to the outskirts near human habitation where they had access to food and water meant for their domesticated counterparts. This was a cruel time for those that stayed behind, especially the larger ones who were essentially disadvantaged by their meal preferences. Their dietary habits were such that they couldn’t partake of the plenty that the forest had to offer, which was essentially vegetarian. When very desperate, they had no choice but to go after the cattle and also smaller animals whose lives revolved around humans. But this provided only one meal, at the most, for the humans would soon come looking for them and ensure no more lives were lost. So perish they must, of hunger or human vengeance, but this is how the numbers are controlled ensuring each has enough to survive.

It was one such hot day. A grazing cow got separated from the herd and had strayed into the forest. Aware of the perils that lurked there, she preferred turning back before she herself was feasted upon. But the jungle is a different world altogether and its denizens were already aware of her arrival and subsequent movements. One female leopard was already stalking her, waiting for an opportune time & location to go for the kill. She had to feed her hungry cubs too. It was over four days since the family last had a decent meal. But it was a matter of minutes now. The cow will soon be out in the open and ready for the kill. Till then, she just had to keep enough distance between them so as not to alarm the cow. Stealth and speed were her weapons & she was in familiar territory.

But her sharp senses felt another, unwanted presence. She froze and merged in the background. Slowly she turned around to look in the direction of the presence. She felt it moving forward with bold & confident steps unmindful of its environs. Then, she saw it. A young leopard, who had often been seen here earlier and was such a nuisance. He was a loner but had no hesitation in breaking the laws of the jungle. Now it was also going after the stray cow, for no one in the forest can resist an easy meal.

This was going to be a tough day. This young male would not be shy away from fighting for the cow. But this was not what worried her. His carefree, reckless movement could alarm the cow who would then escape unhurt. There was considerable distance between the prey & the hunters to cover quickly. The chase would anyway deplete her energy reserves. And if she failed to get the prey, her family would have to go another day without food. Making it more difficult for her to get another kill. There was no way she could abandon this prey for another predator. This was going to be a desperate hunt, for survival.

The two contenders continued stalking the cow who had now moved into open land. It was just a matter of few minutes and they were prepared to fight it out at the end. Then, all of a sudden, the cow started running. But instead of going forward towards the village it turned right, closer to the young leopard’s path. As the dust cleared behind her they saw a tiger chasing the cow. A leap later and it had her neck in its jaws. The cow gave up the struggle soon. The tiger put it down and lay besides it, gathering its breathe. It was all over for the two leopards.

But, no. The young male leopard did not stop. It kept moving ahead. This was not normal. But the mother leopard made a quick decision. She followed the younger one. If there was to be a confrontation with the tiger, she would go along with the younger leopard. If not the entire kill, she would manage to get something for her cubs and herself too. The next day would bring other opportunities.

The young leopard, it seemed, had read her thoughts and welcomed her decision. The two moved forward and now were very close to the kill. The tiger, seeing them, had shrugged off the post-hunt lethargy and had taken up position to protect his kill even if it called for fighting off two leopards. Dealing with a single leopard was an easy task. Dealing with two leopards was also not so difficult but these were looking desperate. The very fact that they had not gone away but were just a leap away from the kill proved they had transcended fear. Rarely does one see an animal not afraid of the tiger.

The tiger had moved in front of the kill. The leopards would have to go past him if they intended to reach the kill. And the leopards too stood their ground. Facing the tiger together gave each added courage. This was going to be a fight to the finish. Neither the leopards nor the tiger were in a mood to share the spoils.

What happens next? For that we will have to wait for events to play out in Karnataka!!

Pic source: https://www.behance.net/gallery/57574137/Indian-Wildlife-Ranthambhore-National-Park

Success, Failure & Rahul Gandhi

So, Mr. Rahul Gandhi has lost another election. While the bhakt brigade on social media will have a field day, I hope he doesn’t lose heart & quit politics. Actually, he should have done this a long time back but we are not discussing it on this post. Results of the Karnataka elections made me think of success & failure & Rahul Gandhi’s political journey so far. Okay, that journey has only been a failure, but who knows when the tide would turn...

Charles Darwin admitted “I was considered by all my masters and my father, a very ordinary boy, rather below the common standard of intellect.” A sentiment that Rahul would readily agree with. Except that he still has to attain the heights of success that Darwin did. He still has time on his hands & hopefully he will.

C. S. Lewis said, “Failures, repeated failures, are finger posts on the road to achievement. One fails forward toward success.” It appears to be one long road for our warrior. He has already come a long way & should plod on. Would IK Gujral & Manmohan Singh have, in the wildest of their dreams, ever imagined themselves as Prime Ministers. At least Rahul has the surname that grants him the 1^st right of refusal whenever the Congress gets a chance.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts. This was Winston Churchill, the guy who pulled his country through the despairing years of WW-II. While not comparing our Rahul baba to Churchill, he has given enough evidence of the courage to stick around in the electoral arena despite repeated losses. (Sadly, the bravery awards are not given to the civilians else Rahul would have been a prime candidate.) Maybe, in the not so distant future, Rahul would be able to turn around the fortunes of the Congress that he has almost single-handedly destroyed.

“They told me I couldn’t sing” is what he told his father after returning from the audition. That was Elvis Presley. Rahul has also been in this situation more often than not & should get inspired by the phenomenon that Presley later turned out to be. Or, Fred Astaire who was rejected during a Hollywood screen test because he “Can’t act. Slightly Bald. Dances a little.” If they can, why can’t Rahul?

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. Did Henry Ford have a premonition of someone like Rahul Gandhi coming into existence much after he had passed away? It seems so, for Rahul has lived the 1^st part & proven the 2^nd part!!

We all know what Thomas Edison said – “I have not failed. I have just found 10000 ways that won’t work.” So has Rahul. Though he is still a long way away from reaching the 10000 failure milestone. Hopefully, it would arrive while one is still alive. He should start eating Mentos. It is supposed to light up dimaag ki batti.

“Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.” Not just Churchill, but by Charlie Chaplin’s standards too, Rahul Gandhi is personification of courage. Bravo man, keep plodding! Like Chaplin, you also have the knack of making people laugh at you without even trying hard.

Anyway, whatever be the final outcome of the Karnataka elections (Congress & JDS can, theoretically, still form the government), Rahul should now start planning for the 2019 general elections. And the state assembly elections that would be held in the meantime. If nothing else, he will continue to entertain us.

Pic source: http://www.naveenchoudhary.com/misc/rahul-gandhi-funny-speech/

Dear Mr. Rahul Gandhi...

Dear Mr. Rahul Gandhi,

You have come a long way. From a future PM aspirant, to a prospective PM aspirant, to a reluctant PM aspirant, to a PM aspirant in waiting, to a designated PM aspirant, and now finally a self-declared PM aspirant. It has been a long journey. More so for your party men who have been waiting for a savior from the days you were an under-aged kid. Thus, your recent coming-of-age announcement of your aspiration has been a shot in the arm for these gentlemen & they will now be able to hold their walking sticks firmly.

I am sure this will now rejuvenate the party in the same manner as your address to the Dalits when you urged them to discover their escape velocity. It made such an impression that they escaped not just Congress clutches but also that of the BSP. Little wonder BSP kept you out of the equation during the Lok Sabha by-elections in UP. But you can always blame it on nepotism, the way Bua & Bhatija monopolized the opposition space.

Going back to the days when you were not in the opposition, the principal opposition leader of the time made a series of historical blunders when he appeared to always get his history wrong. But you took the discourse several notches higher – from history to science, a subject where most netas have been on weak ground. I am waiting for the day you finally become the PM, whenever that happens, so that we would be able to make gold out of potatoes. And once again become Sone ki Chidiya.

Even your opponents are now taking you seriously. We now come across pictures of your road shows (without accompanying vehicles) or election rallies (with missing crowds). Earlier, we only got to see some memes or Pappu jokes on social media. Yes, they still call (and may be still consider) you a Pappu, but that’s because old habits die hard. Don’t take it to heart, for they have now stopped calling you Rahul Baba & there are also enough people who call you RaGa.

I specially admire the political maturity that you have acquired. The way you get involved in election campaigns. And the way you have started visiting places of worship like temples & gurudwaras. And the fact that you no longer disappear on frequent holidays, because politics in India is a 24x7x365 occupation. Maybe, you still take those holidays but keep them sufficiently low profile to escape media scrutiny. Either way, it is smart politics. Those who still call you a Pappu, would soon realise their error.

Now that you have made public your intention of being a PM aspirant, let’s hope you get the position one day. While the incumbent seems set for another term or two, there are others who too harbour such ambitions. But they (Akhilesh, Mayawati, Nitish, Mamata & the rest) still are not recognized nationally. While the ones within your party are not expected to cross swords with the family. Just ensure that Congress as a party survives till that time.

NOTA-riously yours,

Otherwise

Pic credit: https://www.patrika.com/meerut-news/congressi-leader-vinay-pradhan-resigns-and-says-rahul-gandhi-prooves-he-is-pappu-1611287/

Dear Mr. Narendra Modi...

Dear Mr. Narendra Modi,

As a marketing professional, I sincerely admire your marketing skills. If Philip Kotler was writing his celebrated book today, I am sure, it would have been based on your exploits. But you are also a bundle of contradictions. Like Salman Khan in his movies or real life.

Let’s begin with this 36 inch chest of yours. You have given ample evidence of being in possession of one, like the surgical strikes conducted by our forces. But you also have been bursting into tears far too often. Come on, you can either be a cry baby or the macho man. Talking of surgical strikes, I have been wondering why didn’t you opt for this option at Doklam? Had you done so, even the pakis would give up attacking Indian Army bases inside Indian territory. At least you didn’t blame these paki attacks on the 60 year misrule of Congress & deserve all respect for this reason (despite not blaming the misrule of Akalis).

When you arrived on the national stage you appeared very conceited, always talking about your CM days. Of late, you have turned very humble & modest. Even at the election rallies, we have never heard you speak on your path-breaking achievement – Demonetization. At one stroke, you cleverly reduced the other political parties to pauperhood while being smart enough to help your own party preserve its riches. You very well know we supported your move by standing in queues just like our jawans do at the border posts. So why be shy of speaking on this? Specifically during these days when Mr. FM is busy arresting the fall of the Rupee & you can take sole credit for Demonetization.

You also once famously said that you are a Fakir & would just pick up your Jhola & leave. What would then happen to your collection of designer Kurtas? A humble request from my side – pls ask your bhakts not to put them up in a museum for future generations to ogle at. This would be so much like the Congress. Just like the suit monogrammed with your name, you could auction these. And raise funds to finance a film on your achievements (directed by Pahlaj Nihalani & starring Anupam Kher, perhaps).

However, you have failed miserably in one aspect – fighting corruption. No, I am not asking for my share of Rs. 15 Lakhs stashed in the Swiss banks. I am pointing to the rehabilitation of the Reddy brothers of Bellary. You thought it was as simple as Yeddy, Reddy & Go in the Karnataka elections but you jumped the gun this time. You should have retained your (and our) faith in Rahul baba. He has been your brahmastra in elections. Recall his absence in the campaign leading to your defeat in UP Lok Sabha by-elections?

All said & done, I concede that you have delivered what you promised on at least one agenda point. i.e. A Congress-mukt Bharat & reducing it to a PPP party (hopefully by next week). But your policies appear very much like those of your predecessors. Of course, they do have catchy names. As I said, you are the poor, under-qualified man’s Kotler.

I know you are a quick learner & are known to never repeat a mistake twice (e.g. 2002 & Asaram). I am sure you will be your old self again when 2019 arrives. And look forward to it (as long as you do not get Arnab Goswamy to interview you).

NOTA-riously yours,

Otherwise

Pic credit: http://www.staplepost.com/2443/

Some more gems by Biplab Kumar Deb

Biplab Kumar Deb (BKD) has been hogging the limelight ever since he settled down in office. Such that the media almost forgot we have a PM too. But the Karnataka elections entering the final stages, Mr. Modi has regained the spotlight. But, what afterwards? Will BKD jump the gun again? To help our PM stay in the headlines, I making some guesses what BKD will next say & steal his thunder. Because, there can be only one celebrity in India!!

India has a long history of social reform. Great men have worked hard to eradicate social practices that were a blot on our society. Right from the days of Dayanand Saraswati to Vinoba Bhave & later Baba Amte. But their efforts had only limited effect. Like Gandhiji, who spoke on & practiced personal hygiene but was unable to transform the society till Modiji took this up. However Akshay Kumar, inspired by Modiji,  made a movie (Toilet) on the subject & encouraged the entire country to support & practice Swachha Bharat. Earlier too, he has acted in films with social messages like Mohra & Sab Se Bada Khiladi. Akshay is a true social reformer. I am sure his next film will be on the ill effects of mobiles & social media on the young generation. 

(Modi: Abbe, aisa karega to Twitter pe mere following ka kya hoga?)

MS Dhoni is a true practitioner of science. Just consider the helicopter shot. Before the bowler lands up on his crease, MSD has delved into his mind & is aware what will be bowled. Something AI is still incapable of. Next, as the bowl is released MSD calculates its speed & trajectory to know where exactly it will land. Can the fastest supercomputer supported by an array of cameras do this as quickly? Then MSD applies the laws of physics to hit the ball over the boundary. His brain works faster than even Chacha Chaudhary’s. MSD should be nominated for the Physics Nobel Prize. 

(Modi: Chup kar yaar, mai China ko request kar ke aa raha hu ki mujhe Nobel Peace prize dilwao)

First, Adaniji built all those power plants. Then, Ambaniji reduced 4G data charges. Next, Modiji has delivered electricity to all villages. Do you realise what these great men have together achieved? This will bring about transformational changes in the society. My government will now distribute Jio sim cards through PDS outlets. The young people should now stop running after government jobs because this will solve the problem of unemployment in Tripura. They should now start selling mobile phones & set up mobile service centres in each town & each village. I hope other states also follow the example of Tripura so that our youth is gainfully employed. 

(Modi: O teri… agar sab bachche mobile bechenge to chai/pakode kaun banayega?)

While the western societies have degenerated under the influence of materialism, this has not happened to India. Because people like Asaram Bapu have shown the path of spiritualism to the masses. Spiritualism enables people to not only resist materialistic pressures but also become fearless. Consider rape, for example. Asaramji willingly raped a girl so that people could openly oppose such acts without any fear. Compare the no of rapes being reported by the media or candle light marches before Bapu was caught. While people always considered rape wrong, it is only now that people have started reporting it to the police & media has also started highlighting incidents of rape. Bapu is a saint & a social reformer who has been wrongly judged by the judiciary. 

(Modi: Oye, thoda politics bhi seekh. Asaram jail mein hi achha hai.)

After retirement, our soldiers sit on dharna at Jantar Mantar demanding higher pension. Do we netas ever do so even though many of us lose position after just 5 years? The soldiers should learn from Salman Khan. As Chulbul Pandey, he finished the mafia raj in UP. This was one of the reasons Yogiji could end SP’s goondaraj & establish Ramraj in UP. Then, as Tiger, he helped Indian intelligence services abroad. Without Tiger’s help, RAW would have been a toothless tiger. People criticize Salman for killing a blackbuck. So what, is what I ask of them. He only killed one. And the blackbuck was not immortal, it would have died sooner or later for some reason or the other. But have you considered the increase in environmental awareness created after the incident? Salmanbhai even sacrificed his Bollywood career for the sake of wildlife protection. He is a true Bharat Ratna. 

(Modi: Ye kyon nahi bataya ki Bhai ne mere sath Amdavad mein patang bhi udayi thi.)

I have said this earlier & I will say this again. Modiji is doing what no leader has ever dared to even attempt. Modiji destroyed the entire black money in the country by a simple trick of withdrawing Rs. 1000 notes. Modiji’s opposition to corruption has scared the corrupt & criminals like Vijay Mallya, Neeraj Chokshi & Dawood Ibrahim to flee India. Modiji has delivered justice to innocent people like Maya Kodnani who were victimized by Congress. Modiji has electrified all villages so that the poor can recharge their mobiles whenever they want. Looking beyond India, leaders all over the world are dying to be hugged by Modiji. Under Modiji, India will again be Sone ki Chidiya by 2024. Modiji is the Father of Modern India. 

(Modi: Tu to ek bete se bhi badh kar hai! #LoveUBips)

Pics courtesy:

MS Dhoni (https://www.firstpost.com/sports/ms-dhoni-remnant-of-golden-era-in-indian-cricket-leaves-behind-unparalleled-legacy-3188880.html)

Mohra (http://www.rediff.com/movies/report/quiz-who-was-the-original-choice-for-raveenas-role-in-mohra/20170621.htm)

Jio (https://www.jio4gplan.com/how-to-activate-reliance-jio-sim-card/)

Asaram (https://www.thehindubusinessline.com/news/asaram-bapu-2-others-convicted-in-rape-case/article23667146.ece)

Salman (https://www.ndtv.com/entertainment/salman-khans-tiger-zinda-hai-trailer-is-viral-celebs-say-film-will-be-blockbuster-1772321)

Biplab Deb (https://www.outlookindia.com/website/story/tripura-cm-biplab-deb-summoned-by-pm-modi-over-controversial-statements/311502)