Avenging Pulwama

So BCCI is still not sure whether it wants to play Pakistan in the world cup. Whatever, at least they have started thinking on the right track. 

I believe it does not behove a country of India's stature to get into a skirmish with a country like Pakistan. But it is #TerrorStatePak that we are dealing with & we shouldn't endure the bleeding through a thousand cuts. And #Pulwama has to be avenged. However, I advocate going about it in a manner that they don't even realise what hit them.

This is why we should call for expulsion of Pakistan from ICC. That will really hurt them, and their new PM too, he himself being a cricketer of repute once. We all know how Pakistan has been pleading for Paki players be allowed to play in IPL. When they are not able to play any international game whatsoever, they will come to their senses. Today, the Pak army has crippled democracy. But seeing the state of affairs of cricket, I am sure retired cricketers like Miyadad & Waqar, with many an old axe to grind against Imran, would float their own political fronts. The Pak army top brass will the be too busy with this new internal politics to even glance across the border. And let us live in peace.

But till this happens, TV channels in India & the Indian websites should stop covering any match involving Pakistan. Cricbuzz is already on the job on this & the Pakistani fans have started clamouring for the good old days. And not just Cricket, the same should be done for Hockey too. These are the only two sports Pakistan is good at, and India provides the maximum eyeballs to both. The international federations of both the sports are too accommodating of Indian interests. I am sure if our federations apply enough pressure, the Pakis would be left with playing only Gulli-Danda in the streets.

The Bollywood has also jumped into the ban Pak artist bandwagon. But they should draw a line - artists of Pak origin but brought up elsewhere (UK, Canada, etc.) should be welcome to make India their home. The Indian film buffs can always do with another overseas actress like Katrina Kaif or Sunny Leone & should not be denied the simple pleasures. In fact, we should make Sunny Leone the beacon of Bollywood. Her films should be bombarded on the satellite networks & her videos on the mobile networks. Her films would lure the Pak actresses to ditch their homeland & cross the border. Her videos would ensure that the idle men who now carry guns would be too busy with their phones. 

And all those young men who take up the gun will realise that there are more "hoors" on earth than "jannat". And that these hoors are migrating from their country to the neighbouring one. They will drop the guns & get busy protecting their riches. And you know what, Sunny Leone also promotes Mankind Pharma products. It will get a new market on the platter. And this is one product where a customer will never trust one made in China. Even if sold at Chinese costs!!

The Indian government should also pardon Vijay Mallya on the condition that he settles down in Dubai & starts new businesses in Pakistan. I am sure he will be too eager to push his two most successful products into a new market - Kingfisher beer & Kingfisher calendar. If this happens, it will be the knockout punch. Both of these are haraam in Islam & the mulla brigade out there will not take kindly to this. But will the illeterate, unemployed, idle Pak youth shun what the King of Good Times offers simply becuase a priest sitting inside a mosque says so? I very much doubt this. In fact, with a bottle or two of the Kingfisher beer down their throats & emboldened by the Kingfisher calendar in their possession, these youth could revolt against the clergy. Forget Kashmir, they won't even be able to defend their own mosques.

But these are all short term measures & we need a permanent solution. With Pakistan, one never knows when they get bored with killing each other or the afghans & get back to meddling in India. We should resort to cultural warfare to show these people their proper position. Starting with Biryani... We should claim GI tag for Biryani. Pakistan is sure to counter this. But the kinds & varieties of Biryani's available in India, and that Biryani's popularity began when the subcontinent was a single nation, should suffice. Why this is important? Once GI tag is received, every time a Pakistani eats Biryani he will be reminded of the big brother India & be thankful that we gave this wonderful dish to the world. Or, shun this pleasure altogether. Let the Pakis enjoy their Biryani-less feasts, if they can! And what will they offer to the Saudi prince when he comes calling? Hakka Noodles & Chicken Fried Rice? They will not get even $ 20 million then.

At the same time, the government should declare Urdu as our second national language. Which is legitimate as Urdu was developed in India & is our native language. And we should go around the world promoting Urdu as our language. For, our cultural & literary heritage in Urdu (and otherwise too) is much richer than Pakistan's. You want a separate country? Get a separate language too. With Arabic & Persian also having their own homelands, the paki boys will have to develop their own language from scratch. Once they get free from scratching their butts. It will be fun watching them do so (developing the language, stupid), for its no nuclear secret that can be stolen.

India & Pakistan have a lot of shared cultural heritage. We should start appropriating it. Now, the Punjabis are still an influential community despite the Sharif family falling foul of the defence establishment. But with Bhuttos practically exterminated politically, it opens space for us. We should declare Cheti Chand a National Holiday, at par with Diwali, Holi & the Eid's. And also start celebrating other Sindhi festivals publicly. Let the Sindhis in Pakistan know that across the border too their customs are respected. Also, we should award LK Advani with the Bharat Ratna (hope the PM agrees for the sake of the nation). This would show them that while the Pak establishment kills the Sindhi leaders, we respect the ones we have. Hopefully, this would give rise to a segment within Pakistan that is friendly with us & works for a closer integration of the hearts. And maybe, well... let's not speak on this that openly & publicly.

This is all I can think of at this time. Maybe, some other ideas would crop up the next time. 

Hopefully, the government would have implemented some of the above by then & there will be no next time. 

Jai Hind!

Thank You, ABD

AB De Villiers, the Mr. 360 of cricket, announced his retirement from international cricket yesterday. This had to happen & would have been equally sad whenever it would have, for even legends have to call it a day sometime. ABD says he is retiring because he is “tired”. Now this is something not easily digested. Not only the most entertaining & awe-inspiring, he was also an extremely fit & athletic cricketer. I think the reasons go beyond cricket & I am hazarding a few guesses what those could be…

Is he looking at a post-cricket sports career in another sport. We already have Usain Bolt who is evaluating a stint in pro soccer in Bundesliga. And ABD has been proficient in other sports too. In fact, he played hockey, football, rugby, tennis & badminton for South Africa as a junior. Maybe, he is considering a return to one of these or some other sport where he could utilise the skills he so splendidly displayed while playing cricket. But I think, it will be definitely a contact sport. Playing cricket at the top level for such a long time makes players such as ABD experts in avoiding unwanted contact, with not just other players but also other elements of the game like bookies, journalists, etc. When avoiding a sliding tackle by a defender, ABD will thank his clean record while in international cricket.

We also need to acknowledge that cricketers of today play a lot more cricket all year round than their predecessors. This takes a heavy toll on their body. We have already seen MS Dhoni, another very fit cricketer, playing only the limited overs variety for this very reason. Players such as ABD & MSD give it their all when on the field. As the body ages, the physical capacity also reduces. Like MSD, ABD could also have opted to play the shorter versions of the game. But he didn’t. I think this is because he plays for RCB in the IPL, which necessitates staying in Bangalore. It is actually the Bangalore traffic that is tiring not a 40-over game of cricket. Imagine going to (and returning from) the nets or an IPL match on the Bangalore roads. And ABD had to hit all those amazing shots & take unbelievable catches. While ABD is only “tired”, ordinary mortals would be exhausted by the time they took the field. Maybe, he should have moved on to another franchise, say Kings XI. But that’s something ordinary people do.

Cricket is no longer a lazy gentleman’s game (the game being lazy, not the gentlemen). Especially the 20-20 version. It is adrenaline charged, high energy game from start to finish with packed stands cheering (or booing) every ball or shot. And with stakes so high, it is also a mental game. At the end of the day, a player is bound to be drained out physically, mentally & emotionally. It is for this reason, the promoters hold post-match parties for the teams & guests. This helps the players to totally forget the on-field action & wake up the next day mentally fresh & emotionally stronger. But with the King of Good Times, the singular Mr. Vijay Mallya, no longer around, I doubt the RCB’s post-match celebrations any longer help. Perhaps, this is why ABD said he has “run out of gas”.

Have you been also intrigued by the date of announcement? The day he tweeted his plans, a new CM was taking oath of office in Bangalore. After a week of political games that were as beguiling & had as much drama as an IPL match. But this was totally different than the way ABD played his cricket. In the way that a team won on the basis of how it played & consequently, result of the match. Or the manner a player’s performance was appreciated even if he happened to be in the other team. Or, walking off even before the umpire declared him out. But what happened in Bangalore on the days leading to ABD declaring his retirement from international cricket was just not cricket. An absence of honesty, integrity, ethics. How soon before cricket too embraced the ways of the outside world? ABD simply signed off before that happened. Leaving behind unforgettable memories for the fans to savour on a rained-out match day.

Pic source: https://www.foxsports.com.au/cricket/south-africa-destroy-bangladesh-ab-de-villiers-crushes-monster-century/news-story/d4dd9b74c2143774348d232714d387d9

Why BJP (and you) should be watching the IPL

All of you would be in awe of AB De Villiers’ catch in the match against SRH. Most of his catches are such, but this one surpassed even his usual standards of athleticism. Same as the events following the results to Karnataka Assembly elections. The political players involved crossed the depths not seen for quite some time. Yet, they fell short of ABD. Maybe, they could take some lessons from him.

The 1^st memory of the catch is ABD jumping up, beyond the reach of a normal athlete, towards the ball. Something BS Yeddyurappa did after the results were out, when he approached the Governor with his claim to the CMship. But ABD’s leap is something he has been doing all the time. Batsmen around the world know that the ball should cross ABD beyond at least 3 metres (in all directions) to stand any chance of crossing ABD. ABD has made his name in cricket, but he has been playing many other games with equal enthusiasm & skill. Which rubs off on his cricket too. Many other sportspersons follow this, e.g. MSD was a football (soccer) goalkeeper before taking up cricket seriously, while Usain Bolt may be seen playing football (again, soccer) for a top flight German professional club. In sporting lingo, this is called cross training. Sadly (for himself), Yeddy is too old a person to try his hand at other activities. He may be tempted to follow the footsteps of ND Tiwari or Digvijay Singh, but that won’t help!

It was not just the leap that did it. He stretched his arm out, as if pulling his body behind it. He went beyond the limits of his physical reach. Sporting greatness is attained by those who cross the barriers. Whether it is a Rahul Dravid with his mental focus or a Sergei Bubka who always pushed the bar higher (literally & figuratively!). But the largest party (by no. of seats won) failed to do this. Had they patched up with JDS before the Congress did, it would have been spared the embarrassment of a Trust Vote not taken. If the Congress, who had earlier accused JDS of being BJP’s B-team, could do so, why not the BJP?

When the ball landed in his palm, he latched on to it. Fingers closing around the ball, not letting it get off. Opportunity seldom knocks twice, they say. This is nowhere truer than sports. Had ADB failed to catch it, the ball would have gone beyond the boundary for a maximum. But champions seldom give up easily, true champs never do. They give it their all, and more. In Karnataka, the famed BJP machinery failed to break through the opponents’ defence & couldn’t entice even a single MLA to switch sides. They were not only the largest party by number, they also had their own person as the arbitrator of political fortunes. Maybe owing to complacence but still unpardonable.

And then landed firmly, within the boundary. Had he stepped out, the effort would have been wasted. But he was alive to the fact & ensured that not only did his feet drop inside the ropes, they stayed within the line. Sports has always been about honesty, integrity & playing by the rules. Those who do not, howsoever successful they may be, have been shamed once they are known to be cheats. From Ben Johnson to Lance Armstrong, sporting rehabilitation is out of the question. BJP failed here on the first count itself. By making the claim without having necessary numbers was crossing the line of political propriety. Not that ethics have been integral to Indian politics for a long time now. But this was too openly corrupt for a party that has been harping on the corruption indulged by its predecessor.

To summarise, the story line in Karnataka would have been different had BJP looked up the ADB's success mantras:

• Multi-skilling has its payoffs.
• Reach out to push the boundaries.
• Never let go of an opportunity.
• Honesty pays, every time.

But this is not all, there are other aspects to ADB’s success story:

• It is years of hard work & practice that has gone behind ABD’s being the best in business.
• ADB has never been lackadaisical in his approach & has always given his 110%.
• He has managed to find motivation to deliver even when chips are down.

And not just our netas, if you can tick all the boxes above you can also be sure of seeing your dream come true. As my brother, Vikas, did who was literally on top of the world when he reached the summit at Mount Everest!

ADB Pic source: http://www.freepressjournal.in/cricket/ipl-2018-rcb-vs-srh-virat-kohli-compares-ab-de-villiers-to-spiderman-because-of-this-flying-catch-watch-video/1278993

Snip

It started with lynching of men where lives were cut out of those not following the social practices of the majority. The vocal urbanites lost no time in decrying this new practice but in the absence of candle light marches this fad has only gained in strength. We are fortunate that only beef eaters are the victims & those of us who savour other animal food (or even garlic & onion) can continue to do so.

Next, we had Pahlaj Nihalani, as Censor Board chief, playing Alok Nath in his sanskari avatar. He is the same person whose films, long back, filled up the front rows in movie halls. He may not be acclaimed for his technical skills or cinematic vision. But credit to him for cult songs like “Sarkaye Lo Khatiya…”, to name one. Most of us believed movie going would again be a pleasure it once was, with Mr. Nihalani heading the august body instituted with the task of regulating films being made. However, this was no beginning of Achhe Din for fans of masala movie (or even those who like the good ones). Pahlaj Nihalani ver 2.0 is adept at chopping scenes not in sync with our sanskaar. Yes, we are yet to watch a film with a blank screen & no dialogue, which indicates he has other means of occupying his time. Though very fine, this still is a silver lining.

Now such things usually happen only to a specific class of people, like film makers & meat sellers (Ok, dalits too). Or, do they? A couple of days back, pausing to see my whatsapp notification while surfing channels, I happened to stop at Aaj Tak. And realized that this penchant for hacking down anyone & anything is getting out of hand. As you know (but cannot believe), Aaj Tak has been rated by Brand Trust Report as the most trusted media brand (http://aajtak.intoday.in/story/aajtak-and-india-today-most-trusted-brands-1-922002.html). Thus, one is forced to take Aaj Tak seriously even if anchors of other news channels (not just newly launched English ones) can shout much, much louder.

Coming back to the news item, it was about spate of incidents in/around Delhi where women’s hair were being cut by unknown persons. (Visit http://aajtak.intoday.in/crime/story/police-lodged-fir-against-unknown-person-who-cut-woman-hair-delhi-1-944157.html & you will know how scary this is.) As you know, her hair is very dear to a woman, next only to gossip & golgappas. Thus, the guys behind snipping off women’s hair have dared to go beyond Nihalani or the anti-beef brigade. And this is not bound by class, caste, etc. It could happen to your wife or your neighbour’s. And you will not like it one bit!! Do you now realize how serious this is? Maybe they may turn out better in short, cropped hair but is it worth the risk? Granted, her visits to the saloon will become less frequent & the expenses come down. But will this get her to spend less time getting ready?

Coming back to the topic, is this a new trend or is it a localized fad that would soon disappear? Had it been limited to Delhi, one would have assumed the latter, believing this to be the job of someone who has not yet been able to recover from the impact of demonetization, odd-even & now, GST. But this is happening in UP too, where the anti-Romeo squads target only couples. And rural Rajasthan, where it is so difficult to see the shape of a woman’s eyebrow, let alone the length of her hair, with the pallu doing as good a job as the burqa. And Haryana, where they just do not dishonor their women (so what if they kill them?).

Now, all these states have BJP governments in power. This could be a conspiracy by the opposition (should we say, marginal?) parties to malign the administration. Well, no again. Some of these opposition guys are too busy preparing for the visit by the not-so-friendly authorities looking for cash & jewelry lying about their homes. While some others are worried about the land holdings that can be linked to them. Even Mamta Banerjee & Arvind Kejriwal have been unusually quiet for some time now. Of course, NDTV 24x7 has also picked up this story but I still won’t believe this is a congress ploy. A party that can’t keep its prince safe from stone pelters in a flood affected area can hardly be trusted to plan a mass hair cutting programme.

But is this something to really worry about? I don’t think so, for we have lived our entire lives with this in one form or the other. Haven’t we all grown up with our teachers cutting our marks for the silliest of reasons? Growing up, we ended up with the government slicing away a good portion of our earnings as tax (but that’s lawful, unlike the cut a “Bhai” takes). Of what was saved from the government, the banks slice wee bits (which add up significantly) in the form of numerous charges we do not even know about. And many companies now routinely cut down their headcount for reasons of austerity.

Long back, the cricket administrators cut down the game from five days to one & from one day to 3 hours. Which has made it watchable to more viewers. And the film makers (perhaps inspired by Pahlaj Nihalani’s success) have been cutting down what actresses wear, which has brought in more viewers than those who left. And those who couldn’t become actresses even after wearing these stripped down dresses joined the 3-hour cricket, which made it even more watchable! Those of you who are salivating at the thought that this could potentially lead to something similar happening to the players too (the grapevine is also talking about a women’s IPL), let me remind you that long back Soviets were sent back from the field because they came down to play in shorts. They haven’t been seen since.

So, keep you fantasies in control & watch the men in blue defeat the men in darker blue in the 2^nd test too. All these stories about women’s hair being cut by some unknown “forces” will die down soon. Remember, the tests will be followed by one days & a T-20. As they say, patience pays!

Picture credit: https://tune.pk/video/1452341/sarkai-lo-khatiya-govinda-karishma-raja-babu-song

Why Boycott When We Can Fight Back?

“Please boycott Chinese goods permanently as China has voted against India in United Nations on the question of terrorism & has supported Pakistan openly. I am going to do it in national interest. You may also join in. Your small step will become movement.” 

This message has been doing the rounds of social media. But I am not in favour of such actions, as this will not be very effective (most of the people sent this message from their Chinese made smart phones!) & also alert the Chinese to our intentions. We should play it smart. I believe in a mix of soft & hard measures, some of which are outlined below:

Cultural Warfare

Earliest Chinese exports to the west were the martial arts movies. While they had Kung Fu & Karate, we have our own Yoga & Malkhamb. Yes, Yoga is popular globally, but we have not really promoted it by way of films nor do we have created icons like Bruce Lee. Imagine, yogis doing all sorts of tricks & acrobatics on screen. This would make the west go crazy & get India the respect it truly deserves. In a movie featuring Baba Ramdev v/s. Jackie Chan, who is your pick? Once this happens we should gradually let off other weapons from our arsenal, such as Ayurveda.

Cricket Diplomacy

During 70’s & 80’s, China had perfected the art of Ping Pong diplomacy; we should now get going with our own version Cricket Diplomacy. It helps that most of our neighbours, being wooed by China, play cricket. What do we do currently? Defeat Bangladesh & Sri Lanka, while losing to New Zealand. Can't we lose matches/series to Bangladesh & Sri Lanka too, and give them some feel good moments? They would then long to invite India for cricket matches & win in front of home crowds. This would also stump the bookies & help make cricket cleaner. Of course, we should continue thrashing Pakistan in world cups, no diplomacy here.

IPL

IPL has been the most successful Indian invention after Zero. We should get Chinese play in IPL teams. Recall what Afridi said about being loved more in India than Pakistan? It was his way of being allowed to play in IPL! Make the Chinese cricketers stars of IPL & when they go back, they will be our advocates. They will also promote cricket in China & the Chinese will then end up spending days playing this sport at the cost of other productive activities.

Export Religion

The communist guru said, Religion is the opium of the masses. And we have the largest variety of religions, semi-religions & non religions. We should encourage our gurus & babas to venture out to China. Once the Chinese fall into the trap of religion, there will be a disproportionate fall in their productivity. Not to speak of other ills that religion brings in (superstition, hatred, violence, etc.). This will also deal a deadly blow to communism & communism-induced discipline in China. I suggest releasing MSG (Messenger of God) in China to test the waters there! Asaram Bapu can be unleashed next.

Promote Made in USA products

Years ago before liberalisation came in, a small town outside Mumbai supplied our major demand of American goods. Ulhasnagar still has the skills to export “Made in USA” (Ulhasnagar Sindhi Association) products to China, and “Made in China” products to rest of the world. Only, we need to revive the industry back to shape (isn’t Make in India, the new mantra?). Because once they hit the global market, the world will stop using Chinese products, while the local Chinese imitators would run out of business. Hit where it hurts, is my preferred style.

Achhe Din

No, this does not refer to what our PM promised. This is about the original messiah of Achhe Din, or shall we call him King of Good Times? Yes, we should send Vijay Mallya to China. Let him produce & sell his alcohol there, so that the Chinese are too hungover in the mornings to produce anything of substance. (For the stronger ones, there is also the Kingfisher Calendar!) And make him set up businesses in China with loans from Chinese banks. He will then be able to pay off his debts to Indian banks, leaving the Chinese banks with all those NPA's! Now you know what “killing two birds with one stone” means.

Dump the BRICS Bank

Simply walk out of BRICS Bank. With Russia in a hole & China going nowhere, this Chinese initiative for dominance of global finance will turn out to be a dud. They will then be left selling weapons to Pakistan & Africa, in a head-to-head competition with Americans & Europeans. And lose whatever Western goodwill they have earned in the last few decades.

Expel Dalai Lama

Now, this is very drastic & goes against the Indian ethos of "Atithi Devo Bhava". Hosting Dalai Lama has been one of the irritants to our relations with China. With him gone, the peaceniks in China will get that sliver of a chance to promote healthier relations with India. Not that, this will help. But Dalai Lama, who will most probably be granted asylum by a western nation, will be able to take his peaceful fight to a truly global stage. Dharamshala is too secluded a place for freedom struggle. The Israeli vacationers there are too obsessed with the Arabs to be of any help to Tibetan cause.

While, these are what I could think of immediately, you would also have great ideas yourself. Why don't you share those here?

Pictures courtesy:

Baba Ramdev (http://pyptinternationalyogaday.com/home.php)

Messenger of God (http://www.newsnation.in/article/66452-sequel-msg-the-messenger-god-on-maker.html)

Vijay Mallya (http://daily.bhaskar.com/news/CEL-liquor-babes-moolah-how-the-king-of-good-times-lived-it-up-4976372-PHO.html) 

What they said, when India lost

Amir Khan: This is the result of a growing intolerance in the society. When we were filming Lagaan, Gracy was upset with the way the match was progressing & wanted to leave the sets. But I watched the whole match live on tv yesterday. We have to set things right. We should make Lagaan-2.

Arnab Goswamy: The nation wants to know, why the team lost in the semis. Today, in this most watched show, I, Arnab Goswamy, will ask our PM what he is doing in Brussels when India was playing this all important semi final on homeground. The nation wants to know, and I shall make Rahul Gandhi , what has he, as a self-proclaimed youth icon, done for this glorious game, which has given us such lovely memories. He has all the time to visit JNU & HCU, but no time to watch the cricket match? Today, both parties are in the dock & your channel will expose their hypocrisy. Now gentleman, if you will please let me speak. This is my show & you will speak only when i ask you to.

Arvind Kejriwal: This is the result of the corruption in cricket. Look at the muck I exposed in DDCA. The PM should resign after this loss. When I become the PM, I will eliminate corruption from BCCI too. Now, waiting for the release of Ki and Ka…

Assaduddin Owaisi: This team was bound to lose as it did not have representation from the minority community. Teams from England, Australia, Pakistan & Bangladesh had muslim players, but not the Indian team. This government is making cricket a non-exclusive game by keeping out minorities.

Kanhaiya Kumar: Hum le ke rahenge azaadi. Cricket se azaadi. Haar se azaadi. Jeet se azadi. Azaadi…

Mohan Bhagwat: We have to revive the traditional sports. Kabaddi should be made the Rashtiya Khel and included in the school syllabus. All sportspersons should say Bharat Mata ki Jai before a match to prove their nationalism. Sports federations should conduct Satyanarayan Katha before any world/asian championships.

Narendra Modi: Mitro, this loss is the result of the socialistic policies of congress in the last 60 years. Remember Lagaan, where India beat England in cricket? Today, Indian team had nothing to lose, so they lost the match. My government is launching "Har Mohalla, Gend Balla" programme to reclaim the glory of Lagaan. I am also renaming IPL as Bat for India.

Prakash Karat: Cricket is an imperialist game. No great country like Russia, China, Cuba, North Korea, plays cricket. Cricket is a conspiracy of the capitalist forces. Industrialists are promoting cricket to sell their products. Government should form a Joint Parliamentary Committee for nationalisation of cricket.

Rahul Gandhi: India has never won a world cup when there is a non-congress government. This is because of the sacrifice my family has made for the country. Secular forces should come together for revival of the game. Had the Indian team remembered Bernoulli's theorem, they could have got Simmons out early.

Ramdev: Going to the gym only develops the muscles. Team India should also practice Yoga for alround development. Patanjali shall launch herbal, organic food supplements that will make our team physically fitter & mentally stronger.

Uddhav Thackeray: This team cannot carry forward the legacy of Gavaskar, Vengsarkar, Tendulkar. We will not let Team India play in Mumbai if at least 4 Marathi Manoos are not in the playing XI. We also do not want any West Indies player in Mumbai Indians team. We will dig up the road outside Mukesh Ambani's house as a protest.

Picture Credits:

Amir Khan (http://khoobsurati.com/aamir-khans-first-look-pk-yay-nay.html)

Arnab Goswamy (http://topyaps.com/facts-about-arnab-goswami)

Arvind Kejriwal (http://www.ndtv.com/cheat-sheet/one-month-of-arvind-kejriwals-government-five-hits-and-five-misses-549064)

Asaduddin Owaisi (http://www.deccanchronicle.com/151005/nation-current-affairs/article/asaduddin-owaisi-ar-rahman-among-worlds-top-500-most)

Kanhaiya Kumar (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kanhaiya_Kumar)

Mohan Bhagwat (http://www.dnaindia.com/india/report-rss-chief-mohan-bhagwat-calls-for-building-classless-society-2072744)

Narendra Modi (http://www.firstpost.com/politics/the-similarities-between-chandrababu-naidu-and-narendra-modi-664259.html)

Prakash Karat (http://www.thehindu.com/news/cities/bangalore/who-are-devas-shareholders-karat-asks-government/article1451717.ece)

Rahul Gandhi (http://archive.financialexpress.com/news/rahul-gandhi-compares-narendra-modi-to-mass-killer-adolf-hitler-at-rally/1232710)

Ramdev (http://www.newsmobile.in/articles/2015/06/21/bend-it-like-baba/)

Uddhav Thackeray (http://www.maharashtrapoliticalparties.in/uddhav-thackeray.html) 

Is India Still a Cricket Centric Country?

A few years back this question by Decathlon (see the fine print at the end) would have met with derision, but times change very fast. Today, the sports section of newspapers cover less of cricket than other popular sports. You just need to look at the coverage of various European football leagues vis-à-vis the Ranji trophy & you will understand why these European clubs are on a marketing hyperdrive in India. But once the IPL season starts, it’s a return to the good old times for cricket (the cheerleaders play as important a part in IPL as in this post)!

  

So rather than a simple, straight-forward answer to this question (after all, Decathlon is offering splendid prizes for this one!!), let us list out why’s & why not’s of India still being a cricket centric country.

Why not?

It is the consumers that certify success of a product & the uncontested reign of cricket in the hearts & minds of the Indian sports fan has ended. At an age when the former porn star, Sunny Leone, has an established career in mainstream cinema, cricket only has very few glamorous WAGs to fall back on. This void is filled with other champs endowed with ample oomph factor – the Saina’s & the Sania’s of the racquet world. Moreover, the men in blue score only in the brash quotient, but are outplayed in the brawns department by the likes of Vijender Singh & Akhil Kumar. And these champs are outshining the cricketers. On the personal front too. If Shikhar Dhawan & Irfan Pathan married Australia-based girls, Sania Mirza got herself a foreigner as hubby!

Professionally too, other sportspersons too have made a mark at international level. While we have a Leander Paes in Tennis who has outlasted Sachin Tendulkar in the longevity stakes, we also have a young Saina Nehwal in Badminton who has successfully breached the great wall of China. If India has had a long tradition in cue sports, the early exploits of shooters have made us a strong competitor with an assembly line of upcoming stars. And each success story in these sports is magnified by the media, in turn spawning recognition, awards, adulation, fan following & endorsement deals. Sounds so similar to cricket, doesn’t it?

In cricket, the best batsmen play higher up the order, while the not so good ones are pushed to, what’s called, the lower order. We have examples of many lower order batsman moving up the order as their skills improved (Ravi Shastri, for one). But in this cricket crazy nation, we also have the likes of Patels (in Gujarat), Gujjars (in Rajasthan), etc., who are going against this basic tenet of cricket. Else, why should these worthies be fighting to be included in the lower order of the social hierarchy (at least, for sarkari benefits). Can you ever imagine Virat Kohli asking to come in & bat at No. 8?

Cricket is called a gentleman’s game. Yet how many gentlemen do you come across in everyday life? Go to an end of season sale in a mall, or travel during rush hour traffic or even witness a ganesh visarjan procession. There is nothing gentle, manly or gentlemanly! And we are not even talking about the rapes, riots or discrimination on various grounds. The reality of India differs a lot from the idea of Cricket.

Why?

Traditionally, cricket was a relaxed game played in white flannels by men (the early Lankan stars sported a well-rounded middle too!). Then came the limited overs variety, coloured clothing, year-round games & players who are acrobats. Indian politics too has witnessed a similar transition as cricket. It’s not just the dapper Modi Kurtas replacing the boring white khadi. If the parliament manages to last 5 years, we have major state elections every 8 to 10 months, so much so that the PM is always shunting between election rallies & foreign trips. And the manner in which today’s netas switch sides, ideologies & stance, they put to shame the young cricket stars. (Pls disregard the fact that netas never turn around & ask Howzzat.)

In cricket, an umpire’s decision has always been final. Players take it, even when adverse, in their stride, throw their chin up & continue with the game. With changing times, the players have been given the limited liberty of approaching the 3^rd umpire. In India too, the parents have traditionally played the role of an umpire. But as newer generations get more rebellious, 3^rd umpires are in vogue – we call them the Khap Panchayats. When parents fail, it is these 3^rd umpires that come in & make the truant youngsters fall in line. And just like cricket, there is no appeal beyond the Khap Panchayats. Yes, life often imitates cricket in India.

And cricket imitates life. At least when it comes to corruption, nepotism, conflict of interest, and what not. The IPL has been accused of all these and more. And hasn’t the misdeeds of sons-in-law led to the downfall of the powerful in cricket & political worlds? Pre-IPL days too, match fixing in cricket always had an Indian connection. Let us also not forget the monkeygate, which is a staple of our casteist/racist/communal cauldron.

Cricket terms are used as metaphors in life & vice versa. Take rape, for example. Aversion to rape unites almost all Indians (except the rapists & Mulayam Singh Yadav). Wasn’t it a rape in the capital that led to candle lit marches across the country by people who skipped their dose of Ektaa Kapoor soaps? Rape is also what most Indians term (at least on social media) a typical batting display by Chris Gayle. And it (Gayle’s batting, stupid, not a rape) also gets all viewers glued to the television screens. Cricket still remains a unifying force.

As you can see, it is difficult to decide whether India still remains a cricket-centric country. Well, at least I can’t. But I do know that, looking at the clout wielded by BCCI & the popularity of IPL, cricket has certainly become an India-centric game. And this is something we can definitely be proud of!

This post was originally submitted to Decathlon for its contest

Picture Source: Cheerleaders (http://ipl8livescore2015.blogspot.in/2014/04/ipl-7-cheerleaders-2014ipl-cheer.html), Collage made from various online sources

Or do you prefer one of these Ghar Wapsi's?

This post is not about the much publicized programme of the very vocal & emboldened Sangh parivar outfits. This is just a year-beginning (too late for a year-ending one) list of those illustrious candidates (in no particular order) who want to have, or those some want to see having, or those have been successful in, their own Ghar Wapsi. So, here I go…

Narendra Modi – The sarcastic opposition parliamentarians were clamouring for his Ghar Wapsi from a longish stint of diplomatic duty & election campaigns. He did, yet they were unable to hear him speak what they wanted to hear. Tough luck, said an even more sarcastic Jashodaben.

Anna Hazare – His was the most dramatic return to base. After firing up an entire nation’s imagination, he went back to Ralegan Siddhi once his lieutenant’s political ambitions outgrew the movement. When he conquered Delhi’s maidan & the streets elsewhere, who would have imagined that 2 years later he would not even make it to the inner pages of newspapers?

Dutee Chand – She was a champion athlete in making. But he had to withdraw from competition owing to excess of androgens in her system. Now he has been cleared & she is gearing up to be back on track, literally. Hope she celebrates her Ghar Wapsi with plenty of medals for herself & India, and muck for her detractors.

Arvind Kejriwal – Whether the Delhi electorate wishes it or not, AK has decided for himself that Ghar Wapsi is the only option left open after the drubbing at Varanasi. As a sympathizer & supporter one can only wish, whatever be the outcome, we don’t end up discussing the rent he pays for the Ghar. And of course, a healthy, cold-free, cough-free Wapsi.

Sanjay Dutt – The frequency with which he has been in & out of Yerawada, it is not just his family but fellow inmates too who keep looking forward to his Ghar Wapsi. One can’t fault Sanju baba though, it’s a homecoming for him in either direction.

Team India – The losses that the men in blue have piled up in overseas contests piling up, the fans have given up on them delivering “ache din”. BCCI has to anchor Team India in India by having a longer IPL because that’s the only time our stars shine.

Azam Khan’s Buffaloes – The entire UP Police turned out in strength to ensure the Ghar Wapsi of these VIP Quadrupeds. Maneka Gandhi would have been proud of our Men in Khaki, had they not been under the orders of a rival political party. Last heard, the ASEAN countries have requested a contingent of UP Police to be permanently stationed there for recovery of missing aircrafts.

Congress – The party of the babalog won’t be able to emulate the fairy tale of Azam Khan’s buffaloes. The party of freedom fighters is now a party of the sons & daughters, nephews & nieces, sons-in law & daughters-in-law of the sons & daughters, nephews & nieces, sons-in law & daughters-in-law of the freedom fighters. And they have a long wait ahead of them before their own Dada/Dadi/Nana/Nani ke Ghar (aka Parliament) Wapsi.

Mallika Sherawat – If she is still in Hollywood, what’s she doing there? Now that even Ms. Leone (of all people) has started wearing clothes in her movies, its time Ms. MS made a Ghar Wapsi & reclaim the turf that was originally hers!

The Janta Party offshoots – With BJP occupying the right of antics & centre of politics and the left front left behind in the polls, the various left-of-centre, centre-of-left & left-out-of-centre netas who migrated to politics of caste, religion, language, region & what not, have planned a grand Ghar Wapsi & revive the grandeur of the original Janta Party. Relevance may or may not matter in Indian politics, but will it be back to the front for this born again Front?

MS Dhoni – He ended the year with a helicopter shot of an announcement. The Man with a mane turned Captain Cool will now focus only on ODI’s & T-20’s. Not technically a Ghar Wapsi, it is more of a Vidai from the longer formats.

Now, this is a cue for another year-end list – of the vidai’s we long for. But I will keep it for next year! Return to check it out.

Wishing you lots of fun in 2015!!!

Images courtesy  http://www.frontline.in/, http://www.livemint.com/, http://static.ibnlive.in.com/, http://www.niticentral.com/, http://www.youngisthan.in/, http://img.niticentral.com/ & others

A Rational Approach to Reorganisation of States

So the Parliament has passed the Telangana Bill. As so many people have been (& still are) saying so many things on the subject that I will not add to the din. 

But this is also the right time to look into the issue of reorganisation of states. The last time it was done, language was the basis of the sculpting. However, it did not end the demand of many sections & we ended up creating a lot more states.  Many of these demands (including mine, though not linguistic) are still not met. 

Also, considering the no. of languages, including dialects, in India, language should not have been the defining criterion for creating a state in the first place. But the wise men of those times did not have any better option. For, how does one go about splitting & uniting a diverse country such as ours? 

Worry not, for I have the answer. Yes, and it is not divisive but a uniting one, the only thing loved by each Indian - Cricket. Now, why should Cricket be the basis of national restructuring? Here are my reasons:

Unifying - Cricket is the only adhesive bond in the country. Bollywood may come close, but does not match cricket in uniting us Indians. (Just consider the no. of films that are protested (and banned) for hurting the sentiments of the people.)

Acceptance - Its only cricket that is accepted by all Indians. Other sports may have their pockets of influence, but are bested by Cricket in those regions too. Proof being the Kochi & Kolkata teams in IPL! 

Inclusive - Cricket is the only activity in India that respects talent & performance, irrespective of religion, caste, ethnicity. This is where a boy from the backyards of Jharkhand can become the captain, while the son of a former world record holder does not find a place in the national team.

Professional - Unlike all other organisations, sporting or others, Cricket is run along professional lines. It is also an extremely profitable venture. This is the result of the way the organisational pyramid is structured & the fact that experts are involved wherever needed.

Representative - Cricket is the only sport where former cricketers (aam admis of the game) are actively involved. Even after their playing days are over, the high & mighty of the game (administrators, IPL franchisees) listen to them & seek their advice. 

Global Influence - While we may have given the world Zero or invented the wheel, the automobiles were invented in the West. Its only cricket where India influences the world opinion & guides the future. 

Nationalism - We are interested only in matches involving the national team, not the regional teams. I hope, if Cricket is the basis of recasting the states, we Indians would also stop bothering about individual states and focus only on the nation & its progress. 

Successful - Is there any other field where India has been so successful? The reasons for this consistent success being all of the above.

For all these reasons, only Cricket qualifies as the model of how India should be run. Step-1 is reorganisation of states.

So how do we restructure the states? Simply create as many states as there are Ranji teams. Except for Services & Railways, the Ranji teams (or the Cricket Associations) are anchored geographically. We just need to demarcate the states on the basis of the catchment area of each Ranji team. While most states have their own associations, some have more than one. These would be carved out into separate states.

I do not foresee any opposition to this proposal because, the demand for new states is raised primarily by disgruntled local/regional politicians who have been denied their share of the cake. Most of our Cricket Associations are infested with politicians. So, if they are satisfied with the geographical spread of their cricket association how can they object to a state created on the same basis? 

Thus, we would see the end of demand for a new state. For those who are worried about what would happen to the Parliament, don't worry. Our politicians are ingenious enough & shall find new excuses for using pepper sprays.