Winning Kashmir Peacefully

Well, it’s a war out there & a bloody one at that. All our efforts to find a lasting resolution have not succeeded till now & I think we should listen to Sun Tzu. Of course, he is Chinese but his doctrine is the only Chinese product of lasting quality. The following two of his dictum definitely make sense in the case of Kashmir:

• There is no instance of a country having benefited from a prolonged warfare. (Ch. II – Waging War)
• The skillful leader subdues the enemy's troops without any fighting; he captures their cities without laying siege to them; he overthrows their kingdom without lengthy operations in the field. (Ch. III – Attack by Stratagem)

I suggest a three phase strategy to win Kashmir once & for all without shedding any blood along with measures to achieve these objectives. The three phases are:

1. Neutralize the leaders & the militants
2. Divert the energy of the youth
3. Consolidate the wins

Neutralisation:

The first step should be sending Arvind Kejriwal to the scene. He is the miracleman who got practically the entire city state, where no two motorists agree with each other, to vote for him. He also has the audacity to take on anyone, he has spared very few politicians or businessmen. Send him to the valley & he will raise enough muck to defile the heroes of terror. He can push those gun wielding kids into a credibility crisis that no amount of social media heroics can see them through. AK is adept at Twitter warfare too, which is a big help. All he needs is loads of cough syrup to endure the Kashmiri winter.

He has a dossier on everyone plus he knows the law. Put Dr. Subramanian Swamy alongside AK & the two will tango like no one else before. The separatist leaders would be too entangled in the legal maze to be of use to their Paki handlers. Once they are deprived the easy money, this secessionism business will no longer make sense for them. But knowing Dr. Swamy, the established political leaders too run the risk of becoming victims. But we already have AK to fill any political vacuum.

Diversion:

Why did no one think of this before? The valley should be flooded with cheap Gutkha, for the youngsters there need a past time better than picking up a gun. Gutkha has multiple uses. With Gutkha in their mouths, there will be no one shouting slogans in the rallies, thus demoralizing the leaders. Imagine you are firing back at the army or fleeing an army ambush & you get this urge to have a gutkha. You just can’t do both at the same time. The urge for gutkha is strong enough to make them put down their guns, hopefully forever. Even the more peaceful ones who only stone pelt the cops, would stop once they near a gutkha shop. Gutkha is surely the messenger of peace that needs to be sent to the valley. Moreover, the ladies who have been providing them a cover will be too disgusted by the gutkha stains all over the place to sympathise with the rebellious ones. Which would wipe out (or should it be, gutkha smear?)  almost 50% of support base. I agree that Gutkha is injurious to health, but far less than guns & bombs.

As an atheist I don’t believe in god. But if there has to be one, it can be no other than Rajinikanth. Why are we holding him back? The government should make Rajini movies tax free in the valley (all over the country too, if you ask me) & make them compulsory viewing at schools. The only people Kashmiris can look upon as heroes today are those that take the gun. Show them a Rajini starrer, and they will realize that Burhan Vanis of the world are only comic strip class. Rajini posters would replace azaadi banners. Maybe the Kashmiri youth will be inspired enough to take on the baddies of this world, beginning from their neighbourhood. So, why not begin with Kabali? AK is sure to tweet a very favourable review.

Consolidation:

Poonam Pandey always makes a promise to Team India if it wins the World Cup, but the men in blue never do. We should ask Ms. Pandey to make a similar promise to the militants who surrender. Will this work? Well, these young guys are ready to surrender their lives for a promise of 72 virgins, where no further details (of the virgins) are provided. So I think they will definitely put down their arms for a Poonam Pandey show (there’s no pun here, pls). And the selfies of these surrendered militants with Ms. Pandey should inspire the others to do so too. After all, no one has yet seen those 72 virgins.

Once brought back into the fold, we need to reform & prepare the former militants for a normal life. They will need plenty of peace & dollops of spiritualism to undo the hard work put in by our western neighbours. Who better than Ravi Shankar with his Art of Living course? He may be too busy managing his global empire & would not be comfortable in sending his lieutenants to a war zone. But remember, we will have AK on the field who will be all too willing to do all the groundwork for a spiritual show by our godman for all seasons. And I am sure, like all godmen of his stature even Ravi Shankar will have enough influence in the Paki establishment for his shows to be disturbed by fireworks.

On the face of it, the above looks very doable, the only flaw being necessity of having Arvind Kejriwal on the field. He is too busy now governing Delhi & confronting Modi. But with his wife joining AAP, maybe AK will be able to spare some time for Kashmir. Or will have to wait till elections in Punjab & Goa are over.

Pics courtesy:

Arvind Kejriwal: http://www.firstpost.com/politics/arvind-kejriwal-takes-charge-as-delhi-cm-at-historical-swearing-in-ceremony-1311317.html

Dr. Subramanian Swamy: http://www.hindustantimes.com/india/tipu-sultan-had-no-qualities-worth-celebrating-subramanian-swamy/story-DpE7IberY2i9lzYiZ9PaCP.html

Gutkha: http://www.orissadiary.com/CurrentNews.asp?id=35138

Rajinikanth: http://indianexpress.com/article/entertainment/regional/rajinikanths-kabali-audio-launched-2848612/

Poonam Pandey: http://www.indiatvnews.com/entertainment/masala/poonam-pandey-top-10-controversies-1716.html

Ravi Shankar: http://www.firstpost.com/india/sri-sri-ravi-shankar-baits-critics-agrees-world-culture-festival-is-his-private-party-as-entire-world-is-my-family-2670658.html

On Appointments, Disappointments & Misappointments

It started with Mr. Gajendra Chauhan being made to head the FTII (appointment), then news leaked that Dr. Raghuram Rajan will not taking up a second term (disappointment), followed by Mr. Chetan Chauhan put at the helm of NIFT (misappointment). As happens these days, all hell broke loose. Things have turned out to be so grave that the opposition to another International Yoga (on the day of posting) is muted this time round.

This is not a very good situation to be in. To help our government smoothly push appointments to important positions, here is my list of candidates for its consideration:

President  of Sahitya Akademi

If Mr. Gajendra Chauhan can head FTII, Mr. Chetan Bhagat can brag of better credentials in the literary field. Of course, his rivals would not be wrong to claim that Mr. Bhagat's books are not as trashy as Mr. Chauhan's films, but merit has not been a consideration for a long time. And, like Mr. Pahlaj Nihalani, Mr. Bhagat doesn't back down when confronted by the high & mighty. This would be useful if (or when) the award wapasi gang returns. This would also keep him too busy to write another book for a long time.

Commissioner at Large for NRI Affairs

I know there is no such position, but one can always be created for Mr. Anupam Kher. Hasn't he been the most vocal supporter of rights of displaced Kashmiris? Though not NRI's in the strictest sense of the term, the KP's are Indians who are non residents in their own homeland - let's call them domestic NRI's. Mr. Kher can be expected to bring the same empathy, as in the case of domestic NRI's, to improve the plight of our expat NRI's too. This may become critical as Trump appears to be the next POTUS.

RBI Governor

He is a businessman/industrialist, an ex-member of Parliament, and has very good working relations with Banks. In other words, a business-friendly person on good terms with the politicians who also makes the banks do his bidding without holding any office. What more do you want in a Governor of RBI? If all this is not enough, Dr. Vijay Mallya, if given this responsibility, can also be expected to manage the unputdownable Dr. Subramanian Swamy!

Permanent Representative to UN

Any other organisation/position will be too low for a person of his mettle. A learned scholar (wasn't he the 1st Indian to teach at Harvard?), trust him to stand up to the world. The foreign service babus may not support this, but Dr. Subramanian Swamy should be privy to enough of their murky secrets for them to make any noise about this.  And the loose cannon that he is, he can scare the shit out of the seasoned diplomats at UN too. Who knows, just to placate Dr. Swamy, they would make India not only a member of NSG but also a permanent member of Security Council. Yes, we need a strong person like him at the apex body of international affairs. After all, akela Modi kya kya karega?

President of India

Times are bad & getting worse. Only Nirmal Baba, as head of the nation, can guide us to salvation in double quick time. I am amazed why the central government never aproached him when all its game changing legislations were stuck in the Rajya Sabha. Nirmal Baba would have told where exactly the "Kripa" was held up. But it's still not too late & making Nirmal Baba the next president can definitely ensure a second term for Mr. Modi by accelerating the arrival of Achhe Din. What's more, the simplistic, down to earth solutions that Nirmal Baba has for the common & not-so-common problems of the common man would definitely endear him to Mr. Arvind Kejriwal & we may finally see the two governments in Delhi seeing eye to eye on an issue.

Well, these are my choices & you may have your own preferences different than these above. Also, this is not the comprehensive list of offices that need to be replaced. So, why don't you add to this list to make our government's task easier?

Pix credit:

Mr. Chetan Bhagat (http://www.indiatimes.com/entertainment/more-bollywood/chetan-bhagat-on-salman-khan-kick-and-middleclass-heroes-163897.html)

Mr. Anupam Kher (http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/anupam-kher-collaborating-with-ashoke-pandit-for-a-film-on-the-plight-of-kashmiri-pandits/articleshow/51950308.cms)

Dr. Vijay Mallya (http://www.newsmobile.in/articles/2016/04/29/willing-to-reach-reasonable-debt-settlement-vijay-mallya/)

Dr. Subramanian Swamy (http://www.hindustantimes.com/india/tipu-sultan-had-no-qualities-worth-celebrating-subramanian-swamy/story-DpE7IberY2i9lzYiZ9PaCP.html)

Nirmal Baba (http://archive.indianexpress.com/news/court-reserves-on-anticipatory-bail-plea-of-nirmal-baba/966927/)

Why stop at Salman, when Bollywood has so much to offer?

Appointment of Salman Khan as the goodwill ambassador of our Olympic squad has created fissures within the sporting community. I have already talked about that in my previous post (Where the Ambassador needs some Goodwill himself). But in the current times when even politicians limit themselves to 140 characters, it’s a good idea to have ambassadors for other areas too. And who better than Bollywood to provide us with these knights? Here’s my choice of Bollywood worthies to promote India & Indianness.

Amitabh Bachchan: How can a Bollywood list begin without the Big B? He may have been made the brand ambassador for Incredible India campaign, but I feel he can be an equally good ambassador for the banking industry. Remember Bofors case, where the Big B’s name cropped up along with brother Ajitabh? That proved that Big B wasn’t just loitering around after his shoots for Yashraj films in Switzerland. But Swiss banks becoming home to all & sundry was not to his comfort & he moved to upcoming destinations like Panama & British Virgin Islands, this time along with daughter-in-law. And it was not just “me & my family” for Amitabh. He also made ordinary Indians into millionaires through his TV show (KBC). Who knows he could be the messiah that Indian banks need after being kingfishered.

Sunny Deol: If love for his wife made him go all the way to Pakistan, imagine what would 125 crore Indians inspire him to achieve. I would like Sunny to be made the goodwill ambassador for the agriculture sector. He will then pull out all the hand pumps in Pakistan, Bangladesh & China which would give some respite to our suffering farmers. I am also sure that BCCI would be willing to shell out the expenses for a smooth conduct of IPL-10. And yes, people staying in Arnab Goswamy’s housing complex would be able to celebrate a wet dhuleti next year!!

Sanjay Dutt: There can be no better person than Sanjay Dutt as the ambassador for our Police force. He not only glamourized the gangster in his movies, but has also played many a memorable role as a cop. In real life too, he made a guarded police premises his second home and the policemen his extended family. Sanju baba is the one to champion the lives of policemen. Of course, I am also hoping that this will also keep him away from real life gangsters & real life guns. And that he will also not play Chatur Singh again!

Alok Nath: If the efforts of people such as Smriti Irani & Yogi Adityanath are successful, we are in for a socio-cultural revolution. But the left/commie/fiberal/sickular brigade is not playing ball. More damaging is the fact that the image of India & Indians is getting sullied abroad. So, who better than Alok Nath to showcase the values of Indian diaspora in the global arena. With the social media frenzy that our Sanskari Babuji generates, the decadent west may finally accept the traditional Indian way of life. But there is a downside to this… Next time our popstar PM performs at Madison Square, it would turn out to be bhajan sandhya. I am not sure whether Modi will like it.

Sunny Leone: It is not just our traditions & values, but also our culture & heritage that need a goodwill ambassador. Today, the world knows us mainly for Yoga & Taj Mahal. What about the other accomplishments of our ancestors in the field of arts, literature, architecture? To promote & popularize past glory, we need a globally known face & Sunny Leone has much more than that!! I don’t expect hordes of tourists waiting for a glimpse of the treasure inside Khajuraho caves just because Sunny is put on the job. But the world will definitely have more interest & better awareness of what our forefathers talked, wrote & created. Maybe, even the IIM’s would start a course in Sanskrit.

Do you have someone in mind who can be added to this list? If so, pls let us all know about him/her.

Picture credits:

Alok Nath (http://www.rediff.com/movies/report/alok-nath-reveals-his-favourite-sanskar-joke/20140103.htm)

Amitabh Bachchan (http://indianexpress.com/article/entertainment/screen/amitabh-bachchans-character-in-aankhen-2-will-be-neither-negative-or-positive/)

Sanjay Dutt (http://www.bollywoodlife.com/news-gossip/is-sanjay-dutt-getting-better-with-age/#!1/sanjay-dutt-policeuniform-220113/)

Sunny Deol (http://www.in.com/sholay/gallery-100-years-of-cinema-unforgettable-cinematic-moments-303498-50004622.html#21)

Sunny Leone (http://www.financialexpress.com/photos/business-gallery/183217/google-trends-india-2015-cricket-wc-beats-bahubali-to-top-sunny-leone-salman-khan-in-top-searches-too/5/)

Where the Ambassador needs some Goodwill himself

The Indian Olympic Association makes Salman Khan the goodwill ambassador of Indian contingent to Rio & its raining reactions. I love sports & adore all Indian sports persons. Not the administrators, though. I would have simply passed over this new IOA action as another of its pointless acts had it not been for Yogeshwar Dutt tweeting his disagreement, followed by Gautam Gambhir speaking against it. And I found my views mirroring those of the sports administrators this time! Here's why:

We have known Salman as an avid cyclist & his dad has also enlightened us of his swimming skills. But we seem to have forgotten his exploits in one of the oldest sports. I allude to the case where a black buck with suicidal tendencies came up against Salman & his bollywood colleagues. While animal lovers & judiciary may not have looked at it kindly, the incident showed Salman's love of sport. And his modesty too, for he did not leave behind any photos like those Maharajas & our Brit rulers in the good old days. 

Next, we come to the most famous (or infamous, if you prefer that) story about Salman - the hit and run case, as the media calls it. Here we have Salman (or his driver, but this is immaterial) driving his car (or SUV, but this is just a technicality) & he finds a person lying (or sleeping, but we are discussing Salman) on his path. Now, this guy could very well have slept in a park or a railway platform but what does he do? He is lying on a footpath, which is meant for pedestrians (the dalits of indian roads) to walk on. We often come upon such people who are sleeping, sitting or simply selling their wares on the footpath & we take the road on those occasions. But Salman doesn't play hockey for India, like those nice guys who mesmerise us with their skills all over the field but freeze in front of the goal. You may call Salman murderous, but I look at it as killer instinct.

And Salman is a proven winner, a champion in his trade. All his movies are super duper hits. And he does it without resorting to making irresponsible statements on politics or social issues. Which was the last Salman flop that you can recall (well, Prem Ratan Dhan Payo was an obligation)? Yes, Salman spells success.

So, here we have a sportsman with a killer instinct & a champion. Attributes you would use for someone like Virat Kohli. But Kohli's are a rarity in Indian sport. I am convinced that Salman matches the specs required for an ambassador of sports. While I respect Yogeshwar, Gauti & the venerable Milkha Singh, I don't agree with the charge that Salman is doing this to promote his film. Had he been commercial minded, he would have bought a team in a sporting league for himself (like Shahrukh, Abhishek or John Abraham). I feel we should not look for hidden agenda in Salman's actions. Remember, he is the guy who bares it all out in his movies. So let us put our differences aside & support Salman in his efforts to promote our Rio-bound athletes.

Bhai tum aage badho, hum tumhare sath hain!!

Return of Odd Even (An insider account)

When I heard of it, I wasn’t sure why AAP, a party known for novel antics, should repeat one so soon. I am told it is not for lack of ideas, but absence of sound ideas. A handpicked AAP team met to brainstorm the various ways the Odd-Even could be repeated afresh. Says my source, a usually reliable guy who often has genuine inside dope on such stuff. Here is what he told me of what transpired at the AAP conclave:

Arvind Kejriwal (AK): Comrades, this is not the best of times that we meet in. We have always been in the news, even when we were being lambasted by the likes of Arnab Goswamy or Modi. But because of elections in all these states, no newspaper or TV channel is talking about us. We need to get back the headlines. Today, we have to finalise a plan to recapture our space in the media.

Ashutosh: I know what we should be doing. Let’s do the Odd-Even again. It was a great success the 1^st time, let’s make it an even bigger success this time.

AK: What crap? Do you know how much I have struggled before switching over from my Wagon R to the Innova? And you want me to squeeze into another car with you guys? No way, I will go on a holiday when the next Odd-Even starts.

Ashutosh: Look at it this way… the 1^st time we did it, we were copying what many other cities in the world had done. But none has repeated this within such a short period of time. This will be revolutionary. Ek dum krantikari. Forget Times Now, you would feature in National Geographic.

AK: You have a point there. AAP stands for innovation in politics. Only, this time we will do it differently. But how?

Imran Hussain (IH): Let’s have male & female drivers on alternate days. This will definitely be different & the media will be too busy dissecting the sociology to criticize us.

Satyendra Jain (SJ): I like this idea. If its only women who drive on alternate days, the incidence of rapes would reduce drastically on those days. On other days, they would be driven by male acquaintances & again incidence of rape go down. We should definitely do this.

Gopal Rai (GR): Don’t you know how women drive? Imagine if we only have women drivers on the road for a day. Can you even imagine the no. of accidents that may take place? The cops will get no time to collect challans from violators of Odd-Even, they will be so busy handling accidents.

Alka Lamba (AL): What do you mean? If you study the data, no. of accidents caused by men are much more than those by women. Women are far safer drivers, it’s the men who just can’t look straight if there’s a woman on the road. I prefer this plan as this would change the way men look at women drivers.

AK: I agree with Gopal. Also, the accidents would lead to traffic jams & we would still be facing the same problem with fewer vehicles. I will ditch this proposal.

Kumar Vishwas (KV): Why not disallow different categories on different days. SUV’s, being the most polluting, can be banned for a couple of days. To encourage carpooling, we can have a carpooling day when vehicles with only one person inside will not be allowed on the roads.

Ashutosh: That’s really great. We can also have specific days when luxury cars are kept off the roads. Why should it be only the poor that should suffer. After all, we represent the aam admi. Kumar, this is very krantikari.

Manish Sisodia (MS): Ashutosh, you are not on a TV panel discussion. Speak only when you have something worthwhile to tell. With such a complicated plan, who will remember what vehicle is allowed on a particular day? What if one of our leaders is caught in the wrong vehicle? It would be a big controversy & Arnab will be shouting about it the whole week. Modi will mention it in his rallies for rest of the year.

AL: I can handle Arnab very well, but you send only Raghav or Ashutosh on TV.

Manish Sisodia (MS): We will need to publish a timetable & put it up on hoardings all over the city. Where will we put our pictures then?

AL: If you don’t like this suggestion, I have another one. This does not even involve prohibiting vehicles on the road.

MS: I am not sure about it, but still curious enough to know what you can think of. It has been a depressing period since the state elections were announced. It has been days since I even smiled.

AL: We should organize Dharna’s all over Delhi, at different locations on different days. This will keep the vehicles off the roads, voluntarily. And we will be back in news. There are so many issues that we can rake up.

Mayank Gandhi (MG): Dharna is not something that we do at the drop of a hat. It is a very potent weapon & most effective close to election time.

AK: And I don’t want to sit on a Dharna under the sun during these hot days. I end up with a cough every winter & you want me to suffer heat stroke in summer? But this is a good suggestion & we should definitely use this sometime, in the winter months.

Ashutosh: We should have different working hours for different areas. So, if somewhere the offices begin at 7 AM, they begin at 8 AM, 9 AM and so on, at others. The people in different areas would be going to/returning from work at different times. This would reduce peak traffic by spreading it over a longer duration. We will have a longer but lower peak traffic. This again is so krantikari.

Raghav Chaddha (RC): Krantikari, my foot. This will only end up making people work longer hours, at least in private companies. Do you know of any corporate that likes its employees leaving before 8 PM?

KV: We will make it compulsory for offices to work for only 9 hours. This will take care of any exploitation that Raghav fears.

RC: That’s all on paper, but not practical. Do you think I am fool to quit my career for a life in politics? We will lose the services of all those young volunteers who come to us for respite from their oppressive employers.

AL: Raghav has a valid point. We may also end up losing the votes of these youngsters.

Ashutosh: I have gem of an idea. How about mandating different weekly offs for different areas? With people in different areas having an off from work on separate days, this will automatically reduce the no. of vehicles on the road. We can call Delhi, a city of week-long weekend.

GR: What happens to those whose spouse works in a different areas? They will not be able to discuss household issues for the entire period.

MS: Ashutosh, talk some sense. This is not News Hour on Times Now.

RC: This is unworkable because many companies have multiple offices across Delhi & most have 5 day weeks. No business can have different offices interacting only 3 days a week. They will force the employees to work on weekly off. We need to think about these overworked employees too.

AK: Let us not disturb the weekend from Saturday/Sunday. I am scared to think about the rush on a weekend that happens to be a Friday. How will I manage to get tickets for the 1^st day show of new film releases? Do ou know, my followers on Twitter wait for my review of a film before buying the tickets. Whatever you people think of, lands me into trouble. Let us have Odd-Even II. If it succeeds, we can plan for a bigger & better Odd-Even III. If it fails, we can always blame it on Modi.

This brought down the curtains on the discussion. It was unanimously decided to proceed with the tried & tested Odd-Even formula this time round too. But let’s give it to them. They did think of the options, didn’t they?

(Pic courtesy: http://auto.ndtv.com/news/odd-even-rule-violators-will-not-be-allowed-to-park-in-delhi-1261311)