Return of Odd Even (An insider account)

When I heard of it, I wasn’t sure why AAP, a party known for novel antics, should repeat one so soon. I am told it is not for lack of ideas, but absence of sound ideas. A handpicked AAP team met to brainstorm the various ways the Odd-Even could be repeated afresh. Says my source, a usually reliable guy who often has genuine inside dope on such stuff. Here is what he told me of what transpired at the AAP conclave:

Arvind Kejriwal (AK): Comrades, this is not the best of times that we meet in. We have always been in the news, even when we were being lambasted by the likes of Arnab Goswamy or Modi. But because of elections in all these states, no newspaper or TV channel is talking about us. We need to get back the headlines. Today, we have to finalise a plan to recapture our space in the media.

Ashutosh: I know what we should be doing. Let’s do the Odd-Even again. It was a great success the 1^st time, let’s make it an even bigger success this time.

AK: What crap? Do you know how much I have struggled before switching over from my Wagon R to the Innova? And you want me to squeeze into another car with you guys? No way, I will go on a holiday when the next Odd-Even starts.

Ashutosh: Look at it this way… the 1^st time we did it, we were copying what many other cities in the world had done. But none has repeated this within such a short period of time. This will be revolutionary. Ek dum krantikari. Forget Times Now, you would feature in National Geographic.

AK: You have a point there. AAP stands for innovation in politics. Only, this time we will do it differently. But how?

Imran Hussain (IH): Let’s have male & female drivers on alternate days. This will definitely be different & the media will be too busy dissecting the sociology to criticize us.

Satyendra Jain (SJ): I like this idea. If its only women who drive on alternate days, the incidence of rapes would reduce drastically on those days. On other days, they would be driven by male acquaintances & again incidence of rape go down. We should definitely do this.

Gopal Rai (GR): Don’t you know how women drive? Imagine if we only have women drivers on the road for a day. Can you even imagine the no. of accidents that may take place? The cops will get no time to collect challans from violators of Odd-Even, they will be so busy handling accidents.

Alka Lamba (AL): What do you mean? If you study the data, no. of accidents caused by men are much more than those by women. Women are far safer drivers, it’s the men who just can’t look straight if there’s a woman on the road. I prefer this plan as this would change the way men look at women drivers.

AK: I agree with Gopal. Also, the accidents would lead to traffic jams & we would still be facing the same problem with fewer vehicles. I will ditch this proposal.

Kumar Vishwas (KV): Why not disallow different categories on different days. SUV’s, being the most polluting, can be banned for a couple of days. To encourage carpooling, we can have a carpooling day when vehicles with only one person inside will not be allowed on the roads.

Ashutosh: That’s really great. We can also have specific days when luxury cars are kept off the roads. Why should it be only the poor that should suffer. After all, we represent the aam admi. Kumar, this is very krantikari.

Manish Sisodia (MS): Ashutosh, you are not on a TV panel discussion. Speak only when you have something worthwhile to tell. With such a complicated plan, who will remember what vehicle is allowed on a particular day? What if one of our leaders is caught in the wrong vehicle? It would be a big controversy & Arnab will be shouting about it the whole week. Modi will mention it in his rallies for rest of the year.

AL: I can handle Arnab very well, but you send only Raghav or Ashutosh on TV.

Manish Sisodia (MS): We will need to publish a timetable & put it up on hoardings all over the city. Where will we put our pictures then?

AL: If you don’t like this suggestion, I have another one. This does not even involve prohibiting vehicles on the road.

MS: I am not sure about it, but still curious enough to know what you can think of. It has been a depressing period since the state elections were announced. It has been days since I even smiled.

AL: We should organize Dharna’s all over Delhi, at different locations on different days. This will keep the vehicles off the roads, voluntarily. And we will be back in news. There are so many issues that we can rake up.

Mayank Gandhi (MG): Dharna is not something that we do at the drop of a hat. It is a very potent weapon & most effective close to election time.

AK: And I don’t want to sit on a Dharna under the sun during these hot days. I end up with a cough every winter & you want me to suffer heat stroke in summer? But this is a good suggestion & we should definitely use this sometime, in the winter months.

Ashutosh: We should have different working hours for different areas. So, if somewhere the offices begin at 7 AM, they begin at 8 AM, 9 AM and so on, at others. The people in different areas would be going to/returning from work at different times. This would reduce peak traffic by spreading it over a longer duration. We will have a longer but lower peak traffic. This again is so krantikari.

Raghav Chaddha (RC): Krantikari, my foot. This will only end up making people work longer hours, at least in private companies. Do you know of any corporate that likes its employees leaving before 8 PM?

KV: We will make it compulsory for offices to work for only 9 hours. This will take care of any exploitation that Raghav fears.

RC: That’s all on paper, but not practical. Do you think I am fool to quit my career for a life in politics? We will lose the services of all those young volunteers who come to us for respite from their oppressive employers.

AL: Raghav has a valid point. We may also end up losing the votes of these youngsters.

Ashutosh: I have gem of an idea. How about mandating different weekly offs for different areas? With people in different areas having an off from work on separate days, this will automatically reduce the no. of vehicles on the road. We can call Delhi, a city of week-long weekend.

GR: What happens to those whose spouse works in a different areas? They will not be able to discuss household issues for the entire period.

MS: Ashutosh, talk some sense. This is not News Hour on Times Now.

RC: This is unworkable because many companies have multiple offices across Delhi & most have 5 day weeks. No business can have different offices interacting only 3 days a week. They will force the employees to work on weekly off. We need to think about these overworked employees too.

AK: Let us not disturb the weekend from Saturday/Sunday. I am scared to think about the rush on a weekend that happens to be a Friday. How will I manage to get tickets for the 1^st day show of new film releases? Do ou know, my followers on Twitter wait for my review of a film before buying the tickets. Whatever you people think of, lands me into trouble. Let us have Odd-Even II. If it succeeds, we can plan for a bigger & better Odd-Even III. If it fails, we can always blame it on Modi.

This brought down the curtains on the discussion. It was unanimously decided to proceed with the tried & tested Odd-Even formula this time round too. But let’s give it to them. They did think of the options, didn’t they?

(Pic courtesy: http://auto.ndtv.com/news/odd-even-rule-violators-will-not-be-allowed-to-park-in-delhi-1261311) 

Why Boycott When We Can Fight Back?

“Please boycott Chinese goods permanently as China has voted against India in United Nations on the question of terrorism & has supported Pakistan openly. I am going to do it in national interest. You may also join in. Your small step will become movement.” 

This message has been doing the rounds of social media. But I am not in favour of such actions, as this will not be very effective (most of the people sent this message from their Chinese made smart phones!) & also alert the Chinese to our intentions. We should play it smart. I believe in a mix of soft & hard measures, some of which are outlined below:

Cultural Warfare

Earliest Chinese exports to the west were the martial arts movies. While they had Kung Fu & Karate, we have our own Yoga & Malkhamb. Yes, Yoga is popular globally, but we have not really promoted it by way of films nor do we have created icons like Bruce Lee. Imagine, yogis doing all sorts of tricks & acrobatics on screen. This would make the west go crazy & get India the respect it truly deserves. In a movie featuring Baba Ramdev v/s. Jackie Chan, who is your pick? Once this happens we should gradually let off other weapons from our arsenal, such as Ayurveda.

Cricket Diplomacy

During 70’s & 80’s, China had perfected the art of Ping Pong diplomacy; we should now get going with our own version Cricket Diplomacy. It helps that most of our neighbours, being wooed by China, play cricket. What do we do currently? Defeat Bangladesh & Sri Lanka, while losing to New Zealand. Can't we lose matches/series to Bangladesh & Sri Lanka too, and give them some feel good moments? They would then long to invite India for cricket matches & win in front of home crowds. This would also stump the bookies & help make cricket cleaner. Of course, we should continue thrashing Pakistan in world cups, no diplomacy here.

IPL

IPL has been the most successful Indian invention after Zero. We should get Chinese play in IPL teams. Recall what Afridi said about being loved more in India than Pakistan? It was his way of being allowed to play in IPL! Make the Chinese cricketers stars of IPL & when they go back, they will be our advocates. They will also promote cricket in China & the Chinese will then end up spending days playing this sport at the cost of other productive activities.

Export Religion

The communist guru said, Religion is the opium of the masses. And we have the largest variety of religions, semi-religions & non religions. We should encourage our gurus & babas to venture out to China. Once the Chinese fall into the trap of religion, there will be a disproportionate fall in their productivity. Not to speak of other ills that religion brings in (superstition, hatred, violence, etc.). This will also deal a deadly blow to communism & communism-induced discipline in China. I suggest releasing MSG (Messenger of God) in China to test the waters there! Asaram Bapu can be unleashed next.

Promote Made in USA products

Years ago before liberalisation came in, a small town outside Mumbai supplied our major demand of American goods. Ulhasnagar still has the skills to export “Made in USA” (Ulhasnagar Sindhi Association) products to China, and “Made in China” products to rest of the world. Only, we need to revive the industry back to shape (isn’t Make in India, the new mantra?). Because once they hit the global market, the world will stop using Chinese products, while the local Chinese imitators would run out of business. Hit where it hurts, is my preferred style.

Achhe Din

No, this does not refer to what our PM promised. This is about the original messiah of Achhe Din, or shall we call him King of Good Times? Yes, we should send Vijay Mallya to China. Let him produce & sell his alcohol there, so that the Chinese are too hungover in the mornings to produce anything of substance. (For the stronger ones, there is also the Kingfisher Calendar!) And make him set up businesses in China with loans from Chinese banks. He will then be able to pay off his debts to Indian banks, leaving the Chinese banks with all those NPA's! Now you know what “killing two birds with one stone” means.

Dump the BRICS Bank

Simply walk out of BRICS Bank. With Russia in a hole & China going nowhere, this Chinese initiative for dominance of global finance will turn out to be a dud. They will then be left selling weapons to Pakistan & Africa, in a head-to-head competition with Americans & Europeans. And lose whatever Western goodwill they have earned in the last few decades.

Expel Dalai Lama

Now, this is very drastic & goes against the Indian ethos of "Atithi Devo Bhava". Hosting Dalai Lama has been one of the irritants to our relations with China. With him gone, the peaceniks in China will get that sliver of a chance to promote healthier relations with India. Not that, this will help. But Dalai Lama, who will most probably be granted asylum by a western nation, will be able to take his peaceful fight to a truly global stage. Dharamshala is too secluded a place for freedom struggle. The Israeli vacationers there are too obsessed with the Arabs to be of any help to Tibetan cause.

While, these are what I could think of immediately, you would also have great ideas yourself. Why don't you share those here?

Pictures courtesy:

Baba Ramdev (http://pyptinternationalyogaday.com/home.php)

Messenger of God (http://www.newsnation.in/article/66452-sequel-msg-the-messenger-god-on-maker.html)

Vijay Mallya (http://daily.bhaskar.com/news/CEL-liquor-babes-moolah-how-the-king-of-good-times-lived-it-up-4976372-PHO.html) 

What they said, when India lost

Amir Khan: This is the result of a growing intolerance in the society. When we were filming Lagaan, Gracy was upset with the way the match was progressing & wanted to leave the sets. But I watched the whole match live on tv yesterday. We have to set things right. We should make Lagaan-2.

Arnab Goswamy: The nation wants to know, why the team lost in the semis. Today, in this most watched show, I, Arnab Goswamy, will ask our PM what he is doing in Brussels when India was playing this all important semi final on homeground. The nation wants to know, and I shall make Rahul Gandhi , what has he, as a self-proclaimed youth icon, done for this glorious game, which has given us such lovely memories. He has all the time to visit JNU & HCU, but no time to watch the cricket match? Today, both parties are in the dock & your channel will expose their hypocrisy. Now gentleman, if you will please let me speak. This is my show & you will speak only when i ask you to.

Arvind Kejriwal: This is the result of the corruption in cricket. Look at the muck I exposed in DDCA. The PM should resign after this loss. When I become the PM, I will eliminate corruption from BCCI too. Now, waiting for the release of Ki and Ka…

Assaduddin Owaisi: This team was bound to lose as it did not have representation from the minority community. Teams from England, Australia, Pakistan & Bangladesh had muslim players, but not the Indian team. This government is making cricket a non-exclusive game by keeping out minorities.

Kanhaiya Kumar: Hum le ke rahenge azaadi. Cricket se azaadi. Haar se azaadi. Jeet se azadi. Azaadi…

Mohan Bhagwat: We have to revive the traditional sports. Kabaddi should be made the Rashtiya Khel and included in the school syllabus. All sportspersons should say Bharat Mata ki Jai before a match to prove their nationalism. Sports federations should conduct Satyanarayan Katha before any world/asian championships.

Narendra Modi: Mitro, this loss is the result of the socialistic policies of congress in the last 60 years. Remember Lagaan, where India beat England in cricket? Today, Indian team had nothing to lose, so they lost the match. My government is launching "Har Mohalla, Gend Balla" programme to reclaim the glory of Lagaan. I am also renaming IPL as Bat for India.

Prakash Karat: Cricket is an imperialist game. No great country like Russia, China, Cuba, North Korea, plays cricket. Cricket is a conspiracy of the capitalist forces. Industrialists are promoting cricket to sell their products. Government should form a Joint Parliamentary Committee for nationalisation of cricket.

Rahul Gandhi: India has never won a world cup when there is a non-congress government. This is because of the sacrifice my family has made for the country. Secular forces should come together for revival of the game. Had the Indian team remembered Bernoulli's theorem, they could have got Simmons out early.

Ramdev: Going to the gym only develops the muscles. Team India should also practice Yoga for alround development. Patanjali shall launch herbal, organic food supplements that will make our team physically fitter & mentally stronger.

Uddhav Thackeray: This team cannot carry forward the legacy of Gavaskar, Vengsarkar, Tendulkar. We will not let Team India play in Mumbai if at least 4 Marathi Manoos are not in the playing XI. We also do not want any West Indies player in Mumbai Indians team. We will dig up the road outside Mukesh Ambani's house as a protest.

Picture Credits:

Amir Khan (http://khoobsurati.com/aamir-khans-first-look-pk-yay-nay.html)

Arnab Goswamy (http://topyaps.com/facts-about-arnab-goswami)

Arvind Kejriwal (http://www.ndtv.com/cheat-sheet/one-month-of-arvind-kejriwals-government-five-hits-and-five-misses-549064)

Asaduddin Owaisi (http://www.deccanchronicle.com/151005/nation-current-affairs/article/asaduddin-owaisi-ar-rahman-among-worlds-top-500-most)

Kanhaiya Kumar (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kanhaiya_Kumar)

Mohan Bhagwat (http://www.dnaindia.com/india/report-rss-chief-mohan-bhagwat-calls-for-building-classless-society-2072744)

Narendra Modi (http://www.firstpost.com/politics/the-similarities-between-chandrababu-naidu-and-narendra-modi-664259.html)

Prakash Karat (http://www.thehindu.com/news/cities/bangalore/who-are-devas-shareholders-karat-asks-government/article1451717.ece)

Rahul Gandhi (http://archive.financialexpress.com/news/rahul-gandhi-compares-narendra-modi-to-mass-killer-adolf-hitler-at-rally/1232710)

Ramdev (http://www.newsmobile.in/articles/2015/06/21/bend-it-like-baba/)

Uddhav Thackeray (http://www.maharashtrapoliticalparties.in/uddhav-thackeray.html) 

The missing National Family finally pieced together!

We are becoming too sensitive. Last week, 8 persons attempted suicide in Rajkot to get the cow declared as Mother of the Nation. (Pls read http://indianexpress.com/article/india/india-news-india/rajkot-8-attempt-suicide-demanding-cow-be-declared-as-rashtra-maata/). A few months back, a Shiv Sena MP had demanded the same. (Pls read http://indianexpress.com/article/india/india-news-india/declare-cow-as-mother-of-the-nation-shiv-sena-mp/).

This was bound to happen. After declaring Gandhiji as the Father of the Nation, we stopped at that. Didn’t our founders know that Indians are clannish & other national icons should have been so honoured to avoid controversies? With a strong Prime Minister leading a government having a full majority, I request the Government of India to set up a committee and recommend names for the full set of national icons.

To get this going, here are my suggestions for our National Family:

Father: Let’s stick to the venerable MK Gandhi. That there is no other claimant for the position is evidence enough of his universal acceptance.

Mother: I don’t really back the cow for I want real humans. But I don’t want to have people dying on this account. Also, I will never annoy the Shiv Sena. So, Cow gets my vote for as the Rashtra Mata. Also, the cow has never been considered an animal, rather a part of the family, in our rich tradition. It has also taught us to be modest & humble. I remember, as a kid, we used to say "gai humari mata hai, humko kuchh nahi aata hai". It is still the same story.

Chacha: Nehru has occupied this position for a long time & Indians don’t rock the family boat. So, Nehru remains the Chacha.

Tau: I would go for Sardar Patel, simply because he was older than Nehru & Nehru is the Chacha. But at a time when the Jats are not in the best of moods, let us opt for the original Tau of indian politics – Devi Lal. Isn't a Jat being the Rashtra Tau a far greater honour than anything else? We can now hope that the Jats will forget about reservations for a few years. And that the railways will be able to peacefully move men and goods around.

Mausi: If Cow is the mother, shouldn’t Buffalo be the maternal aunt? After all, gai-bhais are always spoken as a pair. Buffaloes, though not revered as the cows, have been an equally integral part of agrarian life. And Mausis have always been an integral part of the family lore. Even Sholay, the first celebration of male bonding, had a Mausi playing a pivotal role in the movie.

Mama: Now this is the most difficult position. Who should be the role model, Shakuni or Kans? But we are selecting a national icon & Kans is definitely not a role model. My vote goes to Digvijay Singh, being the mentor of Rahul Gandhi in his (so far) failed political journey. For all the good intentions backing the wrong horse, shouldn’t this be the only criterion to emulate Shakuni mama? Diggy Raja wins hands down.

Bua: Umpteen no. of movies (the David Dhawan-Govinda ones are recalled immediately) have had a spinster Bua in a key role, who is wooed by the father/uncle of her nephew’s/neice’s love interest. Reminds you of Jayalalitha? Same here, and so it is her as our Rashtra Bua. Whether in prison, or out of it, she is the most sought after neta by the political backroom boys in Delhi.

Didi: This is a no-contest with Mamata Banerjee the only claimant. (If you do not find an image here, you can very well guess why!)

Bhaiya: Only a UPwala can fill this position for obvious reasons! We can consider the Biharis too, but the greatest of them (Laloo Prasad) will never be accepted by the proposed Rashtra Mata & Rashtra Mausi. Since beginning, every street level wannabe politician in UP has aspired to be the CM & every state level neta has considered himself to be a potential PM. A difficult choice, this one, as every UPwala thinks he is a political strategist. But I have the solution! As a national icon, who can match the Chhora Ganga Kinarewala? Even the most bhaiya of bhaiyas would agree.

Beta: Another no brainer. The one who has managed to stay a youth icon even deep into his middle age, the one who is (Congress’s) hope for the future, the one who is still feeling his steps in the world… Can there be any other National Kid?

Beti: Left out because our nation/society/tradition does not love, respect or care for our daughters.

Which completes our Rashtra Parivar, as far as I am concerned. But these are only suggestions from my side. For, I am a nobody & believe our netas are better suited for the job. I am sure, amidst all the walk-outs & sit-ins in the parliament, they will manage to find time for this job in national interest.

Picture credits:

Father (https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f3/Mohandas_K._Gandhi,_portrait.jpg)

Mother (http://www.gettyimages.in/detail/video/woman-feeding-fodder-to-her-cow-faridabad-haryana-stock-video-footage/157296191)

Chacha (http://acurator.com/blog/Karsh_Nehru_Jawaharlal_01.jpg)

Tau (https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d0/Chaudhary_Devi_Lal.jpg)

Mausi (http://www.hindustantimes.com/rf/image_size_640x362/HT/p1/2013/08/08/Incoming/Pictures/1105281_Wallpaper1.jpg)

Mama (http://static.indianexpress.com/m-images/M_Id_385152_Digvijay_.jpg)

Bua (http://s2.firstpost.in/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/jayalalithaa1AFP.gif)

Bhaiya (https://mrandmrs55.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/amitabh-bachchan-don-2.jpg)

Beta (http://media.indiatimes.in/media/content/2015/Nov/rahul-gandhi-in-bengaluru_5457bca4-9445-11e5-b13b-1ee01ddf34ff_1448604291.jpg)

United by Emblems, Divided by Slogans

Bharat Mata ki Jai!! What was the harm had he said this? What was the harm if he did not say this? But Waris Pathan was suspended from the Maharashtra assembly when they all ganged up after being unable to force him to say this. Surprisingly, Waris Pathan did not have any issues in saying Jai Maharashtra or Jai Hind. So, even if he is not a nationalist (as measured by the current political currency), he can't be called an antinational either. Well, he is a true politician!

But let’s not get drawn into the politics of the matter. Having far more important things to do, let us identify a slogan that would be acceptable to all so that we have a uniform measure to assess a person’s nationalism. We will begin with the ones that have been popular till now:

Bharat Mata ki Jai: This has been a universally accepted phrase, till Waris Pathan refused. We have always addressed our nation as “motherland” & Bharat Mata means just that. Maybe, Waris Pathan does not like to equate the nation with mothers. Even Germans do not. Maybe, there are other Indians too who feel the same way, but are less vocal. That mothers are loved while fathers are respected, could be a reason. But a united nation takes everyone along & we may as well drop this one.

Vande Mataram: This was the first litmus test for nationalism issued by BJP. Naturally, parties representing other communities will not accept this. Also, because it originates in a pre-independence day book (Anand Math) that was about a supposedly religious sect, gives it a communal colour for some. And being a Sanskrit phrase, the non-hindi speaking ones may not really like to the same extent.

Hindustan Zindabad: Now, where is this one lost? Not heard it for a long time. Being an Urdu phrase, the hindu right wing elements will associate this with muslims & not support it. And the non-hindu right wing will oppose it for the term “hindu”. Moreover, Hindustan is supposed to be a persianised term for those who lived along the banks of Indus (or Sindhu) river. Now, Indus is no longer in India & Pakistan should be, technically, called Hindustan. Which means, if someone says Hindustan Zindabad, he is actually praising Pakistan. Better terminate this line of thought here, before they come after my blood!!

Jai Hind: Association with Indus river holds true for this one too. But this slogan was given to us by the left leaning (going by the inclination of the party he founded) Subhash Chandra Bose & may not be acceptable to the rightwing or the centrist parties, though they cannot afford to be vocal about it.

Inqalab Zindabad: It has lost its relevance 70 years after we attained independence. Moreover, not to belittle the efforts each person who fought for our independence, we won our freedom through a largely peaceful struggle while this slogan was chanted by the young idealists who had taken up the gun. Of course, this slogan is still used by those in the extreme left of the political spectrum and still dream of a revolution. This is also heard at JNU, and isn’t it a place infested with antinationals?

Now, if the traditional slogans do not work for everyone it is time we looked at a new one.

Jai Bharat is one which immediately comes to mind & even Waris Pathan should not have any issues with this one. After all, I am not a BJP supporter. But Bharat, as a nation, was very different from the one we live in. States south of the Vindhyachal range may not feel the same emotional bond with Bharat. While, those parts of ancient Bharat that are no longer part of India would not be comfortable with this & make it difficult for our PM to drop down for a cup of tea in the neighbourhood. Also, connecting it with the Akhand Bharat doctrine of the RSS, this may not be acceptable to many.

Hail India would have been a safe bet, being an anglicized term for a country shaped by the brits. But this form of salutation has been used in the past by Hitler, and much later by Mogambo. How can we use it & belittle the efforts of Mr. India?

Mera Bharat Mahan is an old slogan that was in vogue in the mid-eighties. That it was pasted on cars & trucks alike is the proof of its wide acceptability & secular credentials. But that would mean crediting Rajiv Gandhi & who would like to do this? Not with someone like Rahul Gandhi being still around!

I think I should give up. This is a difficult task for someone of low intellect like me. We have enough creative brains in this country who can coin far catchier slogans. A lot of awards are also lying unclaimed & we may as well give those to the ones who come up with the best slogans.

Here’s hoping that we come up with a universally acceptable slogan sometime soon, one that will unite us all (like the Ashok Stambha). Or, accept that each one is good enough.