Post-Delhi 2015: The Road Ahead

The Delhi assembly elections are a watershed not only for the margin of victory, but also the innovative politics of the political novice - AAP. With elections looming in Bihar & UP, and later other states too, the netas need to clearly chalk out their action plan. Here are my suggestions, which they are free to accept or reject:

BJP - They engineered riots in Trilokpuri & expected electoral bounty as elsewhere. But the dividend they received was beyond their (or anyone's) wildest imagination. But course correction is not what I would advise. The next elections are in UP & Bihar, both states being as different from Delhi as Aloo Paratha from Undhiyu. Also, if you restrain Adityanath or Sakshi Maharaj from the playing fields outside, they would play mischief inside the party. I am sure Modi-Shah combine may not have forgotten his boast of being able to make/break governments. So what if the bhakts go on a production spree to meet Sakshi's 4-child criterion, it would only add to BJP's future votes! And hey, pls withdraw Sambit Patra from TV appearances. He not only turns away the loyal BJP voters, but also makes the Congressmen sound polite & humble.

Congress - Its good times ahead for the Congress, as it can't get any worse for them. Having achieved the magical figure of Zero, they are spared the ignominy of being harmless spectators inside the assembly too. But its still a long time before they can sing the old Thums Up jingle - Happy Days are Here Again. With BJP appropriating the freedom fighters associated with Congress (which freedom fighter wasn't one?), it should now aim to be the flagbearer of ancient Indian civilisation (and strike BJP where it hurts most). Wasn't Zero, the Congress score, invented in ancient India? In Sonia, they actually have the perfect Gandhari, blinded by her love for her son (and son-in-law). Only that Rahul appears unfit to be Duryodhan even.

AAP - From Giant Killers to Also Ran's to Giant Killers again, all in a matter of <15 months! For the youngest kid on the political block it has been a fairy tale roller coaster. (Mixing metaphors I may be, but it is nothing compared to the concoction they served the electorate.) Having decimated BJP & exterminated Congress in Delhi, they have set their sights on UP/Bihar to weild the Jhadu against Maya, Mulayam, Laloo, Nitish & everyone else. But I say, desist. As a supporter of AAP, while not bothering about "How", I am concerned about "How Many" of their promises will they fulfill. Anything less than 10% of promises made (they have made so many!) & Kejriwal may very well snatch the sobriquet of "Fenku" too. Would it really be Modi's loss?

JDU+RJD - Biharis know their politics, having little else to do back in Bihar, and I shall not contest the calculations made by these luminaries of heartland politics. If one can gobble up the cattlefeed, digest it & get back on one's feet, he sure has guts that are everyone's envy in addition to a skin thick enough to withstand the curses of the Gaiya Maiya's. However, I am sceptical of the alliance lasting long enough. Nitish thought he could do a Rabri with Manjhi, but the turn of events should make him vary of anyone outside his own family (Laloo was smarter & Rabri not ambitious). Nitish should have been prepared for such a scenario unless he had no choice. Well, Bihar is Politics is Bihar, isn't it? So, no advice for the socialists-turned-downtrodden messiahs. Once should only learn from them!!

Samajwadi Party - Presently, its only the SP government in UP that has proved it can deliver. So what, if it was to recover Azam Khan's buffaloes. SP was also the 1st party to put its nextgen in command. All the rest were followers, but alas, it did not leverage upon its 1st mover advantage. Giving away free laptops has been its only connection with modern thought. For one, they should bring out Dimple Yadav more often, especially with Priyanka Gandhi expected to be in the forefront of the Congress & Shazia Ilmi poached by BJP. Moreover, the expected endorsement by Shri M Katju (retd. supreme court judge) of such a move would give them some sort of respectability (assuming SP really yearns for this).

BSP - There was a time when Mayawati could throw her weight about in the largest state. She legitimised Dalit politics & established it as a cast-in-stone segment, something so many Ambedkarites before her had failed in. Then she had elephant statues carved out of stone & installed all over the place as a testimony to her empire. Today, that's the only thing left behind of her legacy. With the social engineers in Bihar carving out a mahadalit category & SP likely to join hands with them, she needs to do something quickly to retain relevance in the heartland. How about donating her collection of footwear, so that no Dalit ever walks barefoot again? She has more than enough pairs to do so!

TMC - Didi appears to be one person most pleased with AAP's success. Is it because she sincerely believes it was her call to her supporters in Delhi to vote for AAP that contributed to the victory? A quick learner, she has already picked the AAP manifesto & has begun making Kolkata a WiFi city (hope it works). Her simple dressing would have made her the Aam Aurat of the East (don't forget, Anna endorsed Didi), while her contribution to the Bangladeshi migrants' welfare would have made her a perfect lieutenant to Modi in his diplomatic efforts in the neighbourhood. But Anna rediscovered his love for Kejriwal while she fell foul of Modi-Shah combine & has suffered their wrath since. The voters in Delhi heeded her call (or so she thinks) to reject those indulging in "politics of vendetta". If only the voters in Bengal are as cooperative! Its a tough task ahead of her, what with CBI under central government. Did has to put her slippers back on & hit the streets, voice rest not advisable for her. Also, forget Rabindra Sangeet & make "aaj blue hai pani pani..." the state anthem to enthuse her street fighters.

Shiv Sena - "Dost dost na raha, Bhai bhai na raha..." should be the song Uddhav Thakarey sings in the bathroom now-a-days. That's the only place he probably sings now, because at other times he is usually venting his ire against partner BJP. What was once a force to reckon with in Maharshtra, is now a spent army in its backyard of Mumbai too. With the wily Sharad Pawar cozying up to BJP, Uddhav should bury the hatchet (only figuratively) with cousin Raj & unleash the footsoldiers on the streets again. We have missed them for so long. After all, what's Mumbai without its Sena? 


Images courtesy:

http://ibnlive.in.com/news/election-cartoons-how-amit-shah-narendra-modi-will-celebrate-this-diwali/507148-37.html (BJP)

http://isamrat.com/best-rahul-gandhi-joke-you-have-heard-of-late/ (Congress)

http://lighthouseinsights.in/mufflerman-arvind-kejriwal.html/ (AAP)

http://www.ndtv.com/india-news/in-lalu-yadavs-own-constituency-no-takers-for-his-buses-as-nitish-kumars-free-bicycles-rule-536089 (JDU+RJD)

http://defenceforumindia.com/forum/politics-society/58023-azam-khans-7-buffaloes-stolen-found.html (SP)

http://www.socialism.in/index.php/mayawati-the-up-elections/ (BSP)

http://www.indiatimes.com/india/should-we-take-mamata-seriously-40587.html (TMC)

Or do you prefer one of these Ghar Wapsi's?

This post is not about the much publicized programme of the very vocal & emboldened Sangh parivar outfits. This is just a year-beginning (too late for a year-ending one) list of those illustrious candidates (in no particular order) who want to have, or those some want to see having, or those have been successful in, their own Ghar Wapsi. So, here I go…

Narendra Modi – The sarcastic opposition parliamentarians were clamouring for his Ghar Wapsi from a longish stint of diplomatic duty & election campaigns. He did, yet they were unable to hear him speak what they wanted to hear. Tough luck, said an even more sarcastic Jashodaben.

Anna Hazare – His was the most dramatic return to base. After firing up an entire nation’s imagination, he went back to Ralegan Siddhi once his lieutenant’s political ambitions outgrew the movement. When he conquered Delhi’s maidan & the streets elsewhere, who would have imagined that 2 years later he would not even make it to the inner pages of newspapers?

Dutee Chand – She was a champion athlete in making. But he had to withdraw from competition owing to excess of androgens in her system. Now he has been cleared & she is gearing up to be back on track, literally. Hope she celebrates her Ghar Wapsi with plenty of medals for herself & India, and muck for her detractors.

Arvind Kejriwal – Whether the Delhi electorate wishes it or not, AK has decided for himself that Ghar Wapsi is the only option left open after the drubbing at Varanasi. As a sympathizer & supporter one can only wish, whatever be the outcome, we don’t end up discussing the rent he pays for the Ghar. And of course, a healthy, cold-free, cough-free Wapsi.

Sanjay Dutt – The frequency with which he has been in & out of Yerawada, it is not just his family but fellow inmates too who keep looking forward to his Ghar Wapsi. One can’t fault Sanju baba though, it’s a homecoming for him in either direction.

Team India – The losses that the men in blue have piled up in overseas contests piling up, the fans have given up on them delivering “ache din”. BCCI has to anchor Team India in India by having a longer IPL because that’s the only time our stars shine.

Azam Khan’s Buffaloes – The entire UP Police turned out in strength to ensure the Ghar Wapsi of these VIP Quadrupeds. Maneka Gandhi would have been proud of our Men in Khaki, had they not been under the orders of a rival political party. Last heard, the ASEAN countries have requested a contingent of UP Police to be permanently stationed there for recovery of missing aircrafts.

Congress – The party of the babalog won’t be able to emulate the fairy tale of Azam Khan’s buffaloes. The party of freedom fighters is now a party of the sons & daughters, nephews & nieces, sons-in law & daughters-in-law of the sons & daughters, nephews & nieces, sons-in law & daughters-in-law of the freedom fighters. And they have a long wait ahead of them before their own Dada/Dadi/Nana/Nani ke Ghar (aka Parliament) Wapsi.

Mallika Sherawat – If she is still in Hollywood, what’s she doing there? Now that even Ms. Leone (of all people) has started wearing clothes in her movies, its time Ms. MS made a Ghar Wapsi & reclaim the turf that was originally hers!

The Janta Party offshoots – With BJP occupying the right of antics & centre of politics and the left front left behind in the polls, the various left-of-centre, centre-of-left & left-out-of-centre netas who migrated to politics of caste, religion, language, region & what not, have planned a grand Ghar Wapsi & revive the grandeur of the original Janta Party. Relevance may or may not matter in Indian politics, but will it be back to the front for this born again Front?

MS Dhoni – He ended the year with a helicopter shot of an announcement. The Man with a mane turned Captain Cool will now focus only on ODI’s & T-20’s. Not technically a Ghar Wapsi, it is more of a Vidai from the longer formats.

Now, this is a cue for another year-end list – of the vidai’s we long for. But I will keep it for next year! Return to check it out.

Wishing you lots of fun in 2015!!!

Images courtesy  http://www.frontline.in/, http://www.livemint.com/, http://static.ibnlive.in.com/, http://www.niticentral.com/, http://www.youngisthan.in/, http://img.niticentral.com/ & others

Luis Suarez - A Carnivore on the Prowl

This is not the first time a sportsperson has bitten another. This is also not the first time that Luis Suarez (@luis16suarez) has done so. But this is the first time that Suarez dug his teeth into a rival footballer at the biggest stage - the FIFA World Cup. 







Though the referee didn't take any action, this was definitely not a love bite.

Here's what they have been saying about it on Twitter, Facebook & Whatsapp:

Sahil Kothadia - Suarez could not resist the handsome Italian...    
(Should the players take the field wearing a face mask to avoid Suarez's attention?)

Sidd Gandhi If you can't beat them, bite them 
(but, didn't they beat Italy?)

Perseus Contractor - Mike Tyson sues Luis Suarez...... That act was under copyright.... 
(Suarez should be moving to China now!)

BP Singh - Good that incident didn't happen in India otherwise Suarez would have been arrested under Article 377 (homosexual misconduct)!

(Now, you know why I didn't mention India, along with China, above)

The food industry marketers, for obvious reasons, loved this moment & were instantly on the job!

Matt Hamilton ‏@hamiltonboxing - If Snickers don't reach out & sign Luis Suarez up for one of those "you're not yourself when you're hungry" ads, they're failing
(Will Snickers rise to the challenge?)

Talati Ajaj ‏@ProTechtEdLife - #Saurez was so hungry before the match but his coach didn't gave him food to eat so finally he did this.

Saurabh Pai ‏@saurabhpai - When footballers retire they hang up their boots. When Suarez retires he will stop sharpening his teeth.

Arif ‏@ArifakaHarry - Liverpool Fans n Modi Bhakts r going through da same phase now. Both da Fan groups r hurt but still acting Normal.

(Now, this guy has a severe case of Modiphobia)

Nishant ‏@nishantafc - Suarez has taken the concept of a "dangerous striker" to a new level,enough is enough vampire needs to ban before he strike again.

(Does he mean FIFA is a vampire?)

Drunk Buddha ‏@buddhainabar - BREAKING: Mike Tyson accepts Suarez's friend request!

(But so natural!!)

Faizan M SirwaL ‏@FreddieFaizan - #COLOMBIA players to wear garlic necklace in next match to ward off Suarez.

(This should be made the standard wear in EPL too!)

Liar MPs ‏@LiarMPs - Liverpool Echo headline: 'Italian defender viciously shoulder butts King Suarez in the teeth'

Ali Raza ‏@AliRazarizvi34 - I am convinced we need Brad Pitt to step up and save football from this zombie

(I am not, but our Rajinikanth would be a better bet)

Russell Brand ‏@rustyrockets - Suarez! Your teeth are already prominent, stop biting people! It's like @GaryLineker attacking people with his ears.

@AlAgnostic - @FootballFunnys ironically, "Chiellini" in Arabic means "eat me". that means Chiellini was asking for it.

(Footballers should adopt a safe nickname to avoid such risks)

And a couple from @FootballFunnys :
Luis Suarez must like his Italian food. 
Luis Suarez has done a Luis Suarez! Another bite!

Squawka Football ‏@Squawka  

Luis Suarez, with another bad case of toothache. #ITA #URU

(Were the lady in the TV commercial to ask Suarez, "Kya aapke toothpaste mein namak hai?", the whole of Italy would respond "Noooo!!!")

@Almoj_alazra8 not only observed that this was a hat trick of bites, but also put it on record in a single frame. 

(Luis Suarez is a bad boy. And a habitual offender.)

Crime & Punishment: The football fans (apart from those at Anfield) love Suarez for his skills & would like to restrain this trait of his. Some of these (not the ones at Anfield, obviously) fans, probably primary school teachers, came up with excellent ideas to punish (and restrain) Suarez.

D.K. Williams ‏@BlueCarp  - Luis Suarez should have to box Mike Tyson as punishment.

(It may end up being a biting match, rather than a boxing match)

Kishore ‏@ChotaSamosa - If Suarez was from Arab country, as a punishment they would have remove all his 32 teeth 

(The Arab players, going by this, should be the best behaved players!)

There were others too who were looking at possible ways to curb this instinct of an otherwise wonderful player. @FootballFunnys  came up with this solution (on the right).

And Sied van Riel (‏@SiedVanRiel)  knew just the perfect way to prevent a recurrence! (see the pic below)

And finally, an appeal for Suarez. Hope, at least this works...

A Rational Approach to Reorganisation of States

So the Parliament has passed the Telangana Bill. As so many people have been (& still are) saying so many things on the subject that I will not add to the din. 

But this is also the right time to look into the issue of reorganisation of states. The last time it was done, language was the basis of the sculpting. However, it did not end the demand of many sections & we ended up creating a lot more states.  Many of these demands (including mine, though not linguistic) are still not met. 

Also, considering the no. of languages, including dialects, in India, language should not have been the defining criterion for creating a state in the first place. But the wise men of those times did not have any better option. For, how does one go about splitting & uniting a diverse country such as ours? 

Worry not, for I have the answer. Yes, and it is not divisive but a uniting one, the only thing loved by each Indian - Cricket. Now, why should Cricket be the basis of national restructuring? Here are my reasons:

Unifying - Cricket is the only adhesive bond in the country. Bollywood may come close, but does not match cricket in uniting us Indians. (Just consider the no. of films that are protested (and banned) for hurting the sentiments of the people.)

Acceptance - Its only cricket that is accepted by all Indians. Other sports may have their pockets of influence, but are bested by Cricket in those regions too. Proof being the Kochi & Kolkata teams in IPL! 

Inclusive - Cricket is the only activity in India that respects talent & performance, irrespective of religion, caste, ethnicity. This is where a boy from the backyards of Jharkhand can become the captain, while the son of a former world record holder does not find a place in the national team.

Professional - Unlike all other organisations, sporting or others, Cricket is run along professional lines. It is also an extremely profitable venture. This is the result of the way the organisational pyramid is structured & the fact that experts are involved wherever needed.

Representative - Cricket is the only sport where former cricketers (aam admis of the game) are actively involved. Even after their playing days are over, the high & mighty of the game (administrators, IPL franchisees) listen to them & seek their advice. 

Global Influence - While we may have given the world Zero or invented the wheel, the automobiles were invented in the West. Its only cricket where India influences the world opinion & guides the future. 

Nationalism - We are interested only in matches involving the national team, not the regional teams. I hope, if Cricket is the basis of recasting the states, we Indians would also stop bothering about individual states and focus only on the nation & its progress. 

Successful - Is there any other field where India has been so successful? The reasons for this consistent success being all of the above.

For all these reasons, only Cricket qualifies as the model of how India should be run. Step-1 is reorganisation of states.

So how do we restructure the states? Simply create as many states as there are Ranji teams. Except for Services & Railways, the Ranji teams (or the Cricket Associations) are anchored geographically. We just need to demarcate the states on the basis of the catchment area of each Ranji team. While most states have their own associations, some have more than one. These would be carved out into separate states.

I do not foresee any opposition to this proposal because, the demand for new states is raised primarily by disgruntled local/regional politicians who have been denied their share of the cake. Most of our Cricket Associations are infested with politicians. So, if they are satisfied with the geographical spread of their cricket association how can they object to a state created on the same basis? 

Thus, we would see the end of demand for a new state. For those who are worried about what would happen to the Parliament, don't worry. Our politicians are ingenious enough & shall find new excuses for using pepper sprays.

Salt & Pepper

Yesterday's incident in the Parliament when a member used pepper spray to effectively achieve his objective has shocked those outside the Parliament, as much as it did the ones inside. Of course, We the People (outside the parliament), do not deserve any soundbites. But why did media not report the reaction of our more prominent leaders? Possibly because the newspaper hacks had rushed out after the pepper attack. Not to worry, I have toiled and compiled what our eminent personalities said...

Arnab Goswami - India wants to know how such a shameful act took place in our most hallowed institution and tonight on Newshour, I want a commitment from our honourable parliamentarians that such an event will never ever ever ever never ever be repeated.

 

 

 

Digvijay Singh - Congress has a rich tradition of responsible parliamentary practices & is the only party that can provide a stable government. The pepper spray incident is a culmination of what has been happening in the current parliament. BJP has not allowed this parliament to function for the last 4 years. Only Rahulji can take this country forward as Indiraji & Rajivji did.

Rajnath Singh - This is what happens when the Parliament functions. Throughout the last 5 years, Congress has been blaming BJP for adjournments & not letting the Parliament function. Had we done so, this incident would have taken place 4 years back. This is evidence of the foresight displayed by BJP in continuously disturbing the Parliamentary proceedings & proves that only BJP is fit to rule India.

Narendra Modi - You need a 56-inch chest to withstand such attacks. Today Gujarat has 24-hours electricity and every village gets Narmada waters. You can see the waters of Narmada even in the Sabarmati river, which has started flowing again. Congress ruled this country for 60 years & Sabarmati had gone dry. People want change and a Congress-mukt Bharat.

Kapil Sibal - Narendra Modi is running away from real issues. His statement is tacit admission of his involvement in the 2002 riots. Congress is the only secular party in the country & the people are going to vote Congress in overwhelming numbers in the next general elections.

 

 

 

Arvind Kejriwal - I am going on a Dharna to protest against such violent & shameful behavior inside the Parliament. I have also ordered an FIR to be filed against the pepper wholesalers & Vijay Mallya. The central government should hand over the control of Delhi Police to the state government so that action can be taken against these capitalist forces.

Kiran Bedi - AAP should focus on governing Delhi. Even Anna doesn't support Kejriwal. Look, he will campaign for Mamata in the Lok Sabha elections. We need a strong PM like Modi to end corruption.

Mayawati - This is an upper caste conspiracy to oppress the Dalits. I demand elephant statues to be put up all over the Parliament to end the centuries-old exploitation of Dalits.

 

 

 

 

Rahul Gandhi - When this happened, the 1st question that I asked was what I am doing sitting here? We need empowerment of women. We need to change the way the system in this country works. I have initiated US Primaries-style selection of candidates for the Lok Sabha elections. We have brought the RTI Bill & also passed the Jan Lokpal Bill. Mummeee, mera bournvita kahan hai?

 

 

 

 

 

Ram Gopal Varma - This incident has really shocked me. I am now going to make a film based on this incident. Instead of black pepper, I will use red chilly powder. It will be the comeback film of Urmila Matondkar & you will see her in a new avatar. Even Brad Pitt is interested for a role in my film.

Ketan Mehta - RGV, have you not seen my film, Mirch Masala?

 

You may watch it on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/)

 

 

 

 

Ram Gopal Varma - My film will be called RGV ka Mirch Masala.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Old Man in MDH Masala commercial - Asli Masale to Sach, MDH... MDH.

 

 

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Pics lifted from:

Arnab Goswami - http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/times-now-reveals-diet-of-arnab-goswami-that-is-secret-of-his-energy/

Bournvita - http://grabgrocery.com/product-details.php?product_id=172

Elephant Statues - http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/picturesoftheday/4385071/Pictures-of-the-day-29-January-2009.html

Kapil Sibal - http://tech.firstpost.com/news-analysis/kapil-sibal-takes-to-twitter-has-a-bad-first-day-215894.html

MDH Masala Old Man - http://www.prokerala.com/news/photos/mahashay-dharampal-chairman-mdh-masala-received-59260.html

Pepper Spray incident - http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Telangana-bill-Pepper-spray-attack-in-Lok-Sabha-three-MPs-hospitalized/articleshow/30354176.cms

Rajnath Singh - http://www.demotix.com/news/2231660/bharatiya-janata-party-president-rajnath-singh-visits-amritsar#media-2231640 

Ram Gopal Varma - http://news.searchandhra.com/gallery/ram-gopal-varma-photo-gallery-1/attachment/ram-gopal-varma-photo-gallery-1-5

Still from Mirch Masala - http://oldfilmsgoingthreadbare.blogspot.in/2010/08/red-hot-mirch-masala.html